just a memory…

So, yesterday consisted of me trying to ignore the big pink elephant in the room. I knew it was the day I had my double mastectomy last year….but tried to not acknowledge it in any way. But…. as everyone knows the more you push something down, the more it just wants to boil back up. How do you remember something that was traumatic, without dwelling on the past? It was indeed probably one of the most significant days of my life. Yes, it revolves around cancer, and losing part of my body and femininity….but I can’t just forget it happened right?

I have to admit that this time last year I was almost entirely basing my actions on fear. I was scared. I didn’t know much about breast cancer, and what I did know…was that women die from it. After my surgery I did everything possible Not to look at myself and my scars…for weeks. This even included taking down the mirrors in the house & bathroom. I was just scared. My girls were just 4 & 9. So, I did what I thought would give me the best chance of living a long life….and that was to lose both breasts. I knew reconstruction was not something I was going to focus on right away. I was sick, and couldn’t care less about boobs at that point. I just wanted them gone…the cancer to be gone…and to move on from this.

As I sit here now a year later I think I am doing a pretty good job. I know it’s hard for some to understand why I would write or even give any acknowledgment to such an awful day…. but it is a part of me. I can’t close my eyes, open them, and have my breasts just reappear. Something happened… and the fact that I remember that day, or am a bit more emotional…is just part of it I think. I hope that they can understand that.

I sort explain it as a death of someone you loved. You miss that person, and that loss never goes away. Christmas and Thanksgiving you think about that person and how much you wished they were there with you. Just because they are gone, and the day they passed was incredibly sad…it doesn’t make you stop thinking about them.The day of their passing is a day that comes and goes each year and for a moment you still remember that. Do you not still remember their birthday each year, no matter how long ago? This is how I feel.

I will never forget the people I loved that have passed on….no matter how many tears I cry because I still miss them.

So, today is a new day. I can remember where I came from without obsessing over the details that were horrific. I am doing my best, and well that is just as good as it gets. I shed a few tears…I starred in the mirror at my scars for awhile, and now I am moving on. I’m never going to forget…and that’s okay. I just ask for compassion, love, and understanding, from those around me. If they have ever suffered a loss or heartache….of any kind…. they know it’s not easy. Times like this I think of my grandmother who passed years ago. I remember the day she passed, I remember her birthday each year, and at Christmas I know she won’t be visiting. No matter how many years have passed, it doesn’t make me miss her any less. I don’t sit and dwell on it…. but I do shed a tear or two when I think of her.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been supportive and understanding.πŸ’œβ€πŸ’œβ€

First photo was right before i left for surgery. I had Sophie take a picture with me. This was how we felt;) lol The next photo was taken 3 days later in the ICU when I started to feel better.

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1 year ago….

The time has come:
January 16, 2014

Exactly 1 year from the date that changed my life forever. I heard the 3 words that when put together in a sentence will indeed change everything. You.Have.Cancer.

I can close my eyes and it will take me back there. The tears…the sadness…the worry. But, a year later I live to tell the story. My body is changed, and I am changed… but I prayed to God that I live to raise my babies and be a mother, wife, daughter and friend….and I am. So, my prayers were answered. How can I not be the luckiest woman in the world?

Sophie is home sick today and although I may have wanted some time alone with my thoughts…the Lord knew I needed a distraction. He knew this day would be a hard one. I will snuggle her, I will hold her…. and I will thank the Heavens that I am here today for her.

I will never forget this day….ever.

But, I can move on from it.

This day does not define who I am as a person. And quite honestly I’m not sure I would even take it back now. I am a different person….a better person, than I was 1 year ago. I love with all my heart, and I give all I have to give each day…because I know tomorrow is not promised.

I will never give up when it comes to the fight against cancer. Almost 25,000 people have read this blog in the last year. If just one of them read my words and did a breast self exam….or had a mammogram…it was all worth it.

Thank you to my family and friends that stood by me and showed me the true meaning of LOVE. Today is a good day.

I couldn’t have asked for moreπŸ’—

Photos:
The first photo was taken this day one year ago after I was diagnosed. I sat at the kitchen table with my mom (my kids didn’t know yet) and I told her to snap a photo…. I knew it would be a day I’d never forget. I hate the way I look in it… but I love how carefree my children look. The rest of the photos are just favoritesπŸ’œ

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NO CANCER!!

Just got the phone call that the lump was negative for cancer!!!!!

So excited!
Thank you for all the love & prayers!

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Lumpectomy Part II -Done

Another day…. another surgery;)

So, almost exactly 1 year to the date I had my 2nd lumpectomy to check for breast cancer. (Jan 10, 2013 & January 9, 2014) Lets hope this one has a different outcome;)

I was scared going in, but not nearly as scared as I thought I would be. Maybe because it felt like I had done this all before… and, it wasn’t “new” to me anymore. The kids have been off school because of snow all week, so I was actually happy they were home today so they could be with me:)

Surgery went well and I was released pretty quickly after recovery. The immediate feedback seemed pretty good, but we are waiting for the official pathology on Monday or so. Sadly when I was diagnosed last time the needle biopsy before the lumpectomy came back Negative for cancer. Then, after the lumpectomy we had a good feeling by the look, texture etc. of the lump and again…we were wrong. So, this time patience is a virtue;)

I am really trying my hardest to think good thoughts and stay upbeat about the results. I will worry when I need to, but not before.

Thank you to everyone for all the prayers. My family helped me so much today, and I am so lucky. And….all the emails, texts & messages from friends & family was amazing and uplifting. So, thank youπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

I will update as soon as I know more. Hugs & Kisses

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Not the update I wanted:

Sadly, I have surgery on Thursday to check one of my lymph nodes for cancer. I was laying in bed doing my self exam, and all the sudden I felt something hard under my skin.
Now, remember I no longer have breasts so it’s a little easier to feel something…. and a little tougher because all of my chest area, and most of my upper arms are totally numb from the double mastectomy.

So….. I am scared. I am worried. I want this to come back negative so I can keep trying to move my life in a positive direction. If, by chance it is positive… I will need chemo again and also radiation. I’m really only 6-7 months out from finishing the last cancer treatment.

I am terrified, but want to end this on a more positive note. This is the 3rd lump in my breasts I have found on my own. What this means is…. DO YOUR SELF EXAMS EVERY SINGLE MONTH. If anything at all changes, go to the doctor and get it looked at. Thank you
for the constant love and prayers. Thank you from the bottom of my heartπŸ’œ

January 10, 2013 – Lumpectomy
January 9, 2014 – 2nd Lumpectomy

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Christmas πŸ’œβ€πŸ’œβ€

Christmas Eve & Christmas Day was filled with love, traditions, family, and so much more. We watched movies… we made S’mores…. we painted nails.. we read books… we cooked…and at night we went to my favorite Church service of the year: Christmas Eve candle light service. It was amazing… I would even say it was MagicalπŸ’œ

My legs, neuropathy, and broken hand have really been bothering me lately (I think it’s the cold weather) but I really tried my best not to let it show these two days. I wanted to be positive. I wanted to be upbeat. Maybe even called cheerful. :)

It was a wonderful 2 days and it ended with a bit more Magic last night. My legs were giving out after a busy 2 days and had my legs under a heating blanket in bed. Sophie came up and played on her tablet next to me and we started talking about Christmas. I decided to record her without her knowing and what she said amazed me:) I had to load it to youtube because apparently she becomes a bit long winded when she doesn’t know I’m recording her;) lol

SO PLEASE WATCH & ENJOY
πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpVEL8svZ8Y&sns=em

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Christmas Time!

Merry Christmas:)

I love Christmas… and am so happy and thankful I am here to celebrate it with my family. After being diagnosed, I wished for nothing more than to keep my life…and that wish was granted! I am the luckiest girl in the world:)

It has been a long tough year, but I am ready to put that aside and celebrate:) I am here, and I thank God everyday for that.

This year is different in so many ways. Thanksgiving day we sat at the kitchen table and told the girls Christmas would be a bit different this year. They would each get a few small presents…but this year I promised would be the best yet! We talked about traditions and the meaning of Christmas and they jumped on board right away! No big expensive gifts… no lists for us, or Santa ….and no complaining;) I have never seen them this excited. Tomorrow we have plans to make smores while watching the Elf movie… read special Christmas books… paint fingernails… and best of all, a tradition that we have always had: Christmas Eve candle light church service.

Today we got our supplies for smores (never had one;) and all the stuff for Christmas morning breakfast. They were so excited, even Sophie had her list of what we needed. When I went to Walmart with them I thought it would be like other years… I’d have to find a way to stay clear of the toy isles and it would be a pain! “mom look at that” “mom I want that.” But….. this year it was so much different. They didn’t seem to care. We walked right by all the toys, and I never heard a peep from either of them. It was magical:)

This year has taught me so much. I’m most definetly a different person….but that is a good thing:) I am a better wife…a better mother… a better daughter…and a better friend. Cancer taught me all of those, and for that I am grateful.

This Christmas Season take some time to enjoy the small things in life. Understand what you have, and what you can’t possibly live without.

My family is my everything… and the reason I fought to be here.

Merry Christmas
& God Bless πŸ’œ

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