So yesterday was another hard day. I did get out of the house which is good. I helped take Sophie to school and everyone was so happy to see me up and about after only a week after surgery. Then a good friend watched Sophie and allowed my mom and I to just lay down and watch tv and hold hands for awhile. It was wonderful.
Later on,I had a doctors appt at 4:00. My husband came with me and all I kept thinking about was getting weighed. Not really just my weight in general…but what my weight is without breasts. How much did they really weigh?? Sometimes when your jogging you could swear to to God they weighed 30lbs a piece lol. I think he was upset I made him stand in the corner, but that moment was about me… not him. The office visit went well. I told them I had yet to look at any of my scars and they were respectful of that. They were curious why, and all I could say is “I just wasn’t ready yet.”
I knew the triple negative breast cancer was the shitty one” to get, and my surgeon agreed. But, what I didn’t know was that a big reason the reocurrance is so high with triple negative is because of the lymph nodes coming back positive. Since none of mine did, that was a great sign. Maybe even a Silver Lining of some sorts
The appt. itself was hard though. It was time. Time for the bandages to come all off and well “it is, what it is.” No take Backs.”
I disrobed infront of my husband, put the cape on…and waited. The surgeon came in, said how great I healed, took out the drains and said he’d see me in a few weeks. I could shower and even take a bath.Overall it was good new…right?
When John and I got home that night and things had settled we started to fight. I’m not sure about what, and I doubt he knows either.
This takes me back to my title. “Is cancer a family affair?” Does your whole family get cancer?
We sat in a room just 16 days prior and heard the words “Jen has cancer .” Those words live inside my heart forever. And although my husband, and kids,and mom and dad adore me and love me….those words didn’t include their names. Just mine. That was scary.
It’s never “we need a root canal.”
Or “we sprained (jm I fixed my grammar you spelling nazi) our ankle today.” Or hey “we broke our penis.” Or earlier in the kitchen while cooking dinner “we sliced our finger.” But, for some reason cancer seems like this one “thing” we all go through together.
So, last night as John and I are both frustrated at each other, it all
boiled down to one thing….maybe we were both right. My cancer will be a battle we tackle as a family on some days, and on some days I will tackle it alone.And, I think that’s okay.
I know he means well, and anyone that truly loves someone else
would do the same. But, sadly he can’t be me. He can’t feel every feeling I have. He can’t experience every tear I shed.
I sat in the bath last night for the first time since my surgery. I looked down as I was wearing a tank top in the water with tears flowing down my face. When would I ever feel okay to take that tank top off and be okay with what I saw. Who knows? When I got out and changed into my pajamas I noticed one breast poked out of my shirt weird. I made a
joke that it looked like a torpedo tit. lol
In those momemts….they didn’t feel like family affairs. I doubt anyone would say they were. But, I know there will be plenty that will be. I looked into Johns eyes and told him sometimes I just need someone to shut their mouth and hold my hand…he agreed . The answer is, there are no answers. I have no clue what I am doing, or how it will impact the life of me and the ones I love. I trust in God, and the direction he has for me.