Taking it from the top

I’d like to say “one week left.” But that’s not really true. The pain after last about a week or so… sometimes longer.

Regardless I ticked the time down and X’d off the calendar… and next Wednesday the 29th is my LAST official chemo. Sounds almost too good to be true…. but it is:)

I have a million things going through my brain, but I’m not going to let that cloud up my happiness.

This is happening. I have changed. I have learned. I am a different person. I know that this was meant to happen to me to learn lessons. Learn who is important in my life, and also help
others along the way.

For those family, or friends who text or call everyday to check on me, I will forever love you. You all showed me what love was all about. I’m sad that other family or friends did not, but I’m not going to let that spoil my happiness. I will NEVER FORGET WHO WAS THERE FOR ME. Thank you:)

What does all this babble boil down to? I had cancer at a young age with a young family. I was so scared and needed help and support on a daily basis. Some stepped up…
and for those
I love you so much:) truly!

Wow! As of today over 15,000 views to my blog. I think that is so amazing! Thank you to everyone who is following my journey and with me every step of the way. It means so much to me:) Overall I am feeling okay and ready to get my next chemo over with. After that I will only have 2 to go! yiippee Let’s hope everything stays on track and the Good Lord has mercy on me. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am reading to put a period…and move on

Just hit 14,000 views on my website! Yeah! Thank you everyone:)

So, tomorrow is a big day. It is chemo #5 of 8 and it feels sort of like a turning point. I change drugs to Taxol and that worries me. I need to take 5 steroids at 7pm and 3am before each treatment. I have no clue how I will be able to fall back to sleep after I wake up at 3am, gobble down 5 pills, and then try to go back to bed:( Oh well, I guess I’ll just wait and see. The drug takes much longer to go in and chemo itself will take around 4 hours tomorrow. I really wish I wasn’t changing chemo drugs. I have been thinking of it nonstop. I have no idea what to expect or the side effects. I just want to get it over with.

Today I felt totally rushed. This usually happens the day before chemo. I know that I won’t feel up to doing much after, so I try my best to run and do everything the day before. I even wanted to do some yard work today that got done. I have 2 small trees out front that the roots are popping up
some and wanted to put up some edging with mulch around them to protect. I couldn’t do it without mowing the grass …and then it all went down hill from there:) lol.

I also had Sophies Kindergarten registration today. I was somewhat worried because Sophie is only 4 years and 9 months old. She makes the cutoff by one week and I was afraid she wasn’t going to be ready. Well….she did amazing. She had great scores and they said she should most definitely go. Two of the women who went over her scores also had cancer at one time and they were very understanding. I told them I was trying my best to practice with her and prep her…but it’s been a little crazy. They totally understood and said she was doing great and I should be proud:) They also said NOT to send her to any of the pre-k summer camps or any camps and just spend time with her and Kaylee this summer. I couldn’t agree more:-)

Overall the chores got done and I feel like I got all my errands done….now I just sit and wait for tomorrow

Well tonight I have many many things running through my head . I think the realization of the BRCA coming back positive is really starting to set in. No one wants to know they have a genetic mutism that they could have passed on to their children or future children. I feel terrible about it. I feel like everyone gets screwed…and not just me. I may be messed up, but what right do I have to pass it onto to others? What right do I have to marry someone and have children with them…and they not know? The truth is it’s not fair for anyone…but sadly it’s reality.

So somehow someway I need to make sense of this senseless thing and move on. I guess knowledge is power and that’s a good thing right??? It’s better to know….than not know….right?

I have no clue really how to feel. I could shed a million tears over how this could impact my girls. That because of me…and this…they too have an 84% chance of getting breast cancer. But, on the other hand I am happy that they will be continually monitored and not have to wait the normal “40 years of age for a mammogram.” Because of this and I helping them? or hindering them? The truth is I bet it’s a little of both. How can a glass be both half full and half empty?

So tonight as I go to shut my eyes I will say I don’t know how to feel just yet. Every minute brings a new emotion and that’s just the facts.

I throw my hands up to God and say “I don’t have all the answers.. I don’t know why… I can’t explain everything… but YOU do and YOU can.” I have to live with the fact that sometime there is no rhyme or reason…there just “is.”

Good Night my friends xoxo

ps- this is how Sophie fell asleep tonight. I told her a story about how she use to crawl into my arms and I would gently brush her hair until she fell asleep as I sang her lullabies. I did just that, and she fell fast asleep. Just a reassurance that I didn’t want to think of anything else in that moment. Just live in it, and absorb every second:)

So today I woke up feeling crappy as always. My joints are still killing me and I have zero energy. We ran a few errands today and that was good to get out of the house….but I could tell something was different…I was sick. I felt sick to my stomach most of the time and just felt weak. When we were out all I could think about was coming home and getting under my warming blanket. This is not typical for me. I love getting out and running errands. Even if if it’s just a few things we need…. I loved it. Today I could tell something was different. Scratch that…someone was different. Me.

I am so thankful for everyone that follows my blog and facebooks/emails/and texts me daily to check on me. It has truly shown me who is there for me during my time of need. I have never in my life needed more support than I do now.

It’s hard to explain, but everyday I wake up I have to engage in a battle. A battle to suffer and get beaten down in order to come out ahead and beat this disease. I can’t hide from it. I can’t even run away from it. It will totally break me down, and somehow someway I need to still be standing at the end. It has given me a whole new compassion for anyone who fights a disease of any kind. It is life changing.

I am sore and tired and need some rest. Until tomorrow, hugs and kisses

Today was a typical DBC (day before chemo). I rush around trying to do all the cleaning and last minute errands before chemo day. It’s stressful, but it’s better that I get it done before….than worry about it when I’m not feeling well.

I also found out my article in the paper comes out tomorrow. I’m nervous over it, because I’m not exactly sure how others will perceive it. I guess I shouldn’t really care, but I do. I hope there is a lot of good info for women with breast questions. The paper contacted me and I did my best to tell my story and my true life situation of having a family and a husband…with cancer.

I always get a little nervous the day before. It’s really the same damn thing over and over… but I still get nervous for some reason. In my heart I am happy it will be one more that is done and 5 to go….but I also wish it was all over now Chemo is hard on your body, and just want it over with.

Attached are a few photos from today. My good friend Ashley fixed my wig and it looks really good. I still prefer just to throw a hat on, but the wig does me feel like the “old me.” Still all up in the air:)

http://takingitfromthetop.com/

Yesterday I felt like I had made some progress. Today….not so much. The impending doom of chemo Wednesday is all that I am thinking about (that, and the fact I can’t leave the house.)

This is just how it goes, and the reason for the blogging. No two days are ever the same when you have cancer. Nothing is ever as it seems. It is a world all to it’s own that I can’t wait to get away from it. I guess, I feel like I can’t move forward because something is holding me back…. I just want to move on and never say the “c” word ever again. But, it’s just not that easy.

Oh dear Lord my next actual doctors office visit what the paperwork will be like!! It’s going to take hours to fill it out. I actually starting logging dates into my phone because I was forgetting all my surgeries and so on.

I just want to go back and be “me.” I have never ever wanted that more than now. This so-called “c” word will follow me forever. Whether it’s paperwork…or insurance…or the endless bills that we are about to be flooded with.

End on a good note: John I love you. You, the girls, and our families are the only things that keeps me from fully losing my mind…and my faith.
Thank You

http://takingitfromthetop.com/

You forget how much going out is fun. Anywhere…doing anything…at all. But, I do realize it’s for my own good and will listen to the doctors orders. I want chemo to be exactly 8 treatments and 4 months long…no extra. So I’m being a good girl. Although later I may send my hubby to Slice of Pie, been craving a Tollhouse soooo bad.

Overall it’s been a good day. I cleaned mostly, and the girls went to their grandparents house all day to play. (they were all couped up!) Haven’t thought much about cancer today which is a good thing. Altgough it’s 5:00 and I also forgot to eat today, so I better go:) More later…