Here are some photos from today:) Deann made these great shirts and also surprised me at the clinic with the girls. They were holding signs and balloons and it was the sweetest thing:) My mom and dad also sent me beautiful flowers. A sweet lady named April left me some treats and a lovely card, and an amazing family friend Michelle stopped by with huge bag filled with tons of goodies and gift cards! My nurse navigator Carol (who I adore:) and is one of my best friends stayed with me today too:) John also came by and went to my appt. with me. (so happy to see his face:)
I also got a graduation paper for finishing up chemo!
I am so lucky to have wonderful people around me:)
So here we are…. months and months and months and months of chemo and it is finally coming to an end. How do I feel you ask?? Not sure. I am feeling so many things at once and not exactly sure why. I am so happy and grateful to the ones who stuck by me and showed support, and also sad and disappointed at the ones who didn’t. I’m scared that this isn’t the last I’ll see of chemo, and one day it’ll come back. I’m happy because my hair will finally grow back and I’ll get to leave the house without a wig or hat. I’m sad that my mom won’t visit as much because I won’t need the help I use to. I’m excited to get back out in the world and enjoy things I couldn’t before. I fear I won’t recover fast enough and people will expect things from me right away that just won’t be possible. I worry that this last treatment will push my body to it’s limits and my remaining strands of hair will vanish. I’m excited and can’t wait to take my girls places and really enjoy time just them and I.
So, my mind is frazzled. Many thoughts…all over the place.
This week I saw a video on Facebook of 2 men who were zapped with electricity to mimic what childbirth feels like. I remember so many times where I tried to (and probably most women;) explain what exactly giving birth feels like. I’m not sure the video was exactly correct, but it didn’t stop me from watching and giggling through it. It’s horribly painful, yet someone who made the video felt the need to try and reenact it so others could “feel their pain.”
I would never in a million years wish what I’ve been through on anyone. But, I also feel like unless you’ve been through it, you’ll never completely understand. Have I earned a “pass?” Can I be bitter, or angry, or upset… and just get a “free pass” for awhile? Do I deserve that? I think I just might.
This blog has been a major learning experience for me. Would I do it again? Not sure. Because, just like a diary that you’re afraid someone wilI find… I haven’t always said what I wanted to say. Some days I want to go off and rant, and I’ve held back. I want to use peoples names, but then again have them never know it was me writing about them. I want to curse and yell and tell stories about what people have said to me… and how bad it hurt me…but then again don’t. So, this has been a learning experience. In my heart I know I have done a good thing. I brought breast cancer in young women to the forefront. I exposed cancer for the demon it is, and showed how quickly it can destroy everything you worked so hard to build. I also think I showed the truth about vanity and what it really is.
I’m absolutely without a doubt a different person than I was 5 months ago. I feel like my eyes are wide and bright and my ears are open. I will love more and live more because of cancer. Period.
So, later on I will blog more. But… I wanted to take a minute to let everyone know that my LAST chemo treatment is tomorrow!!!! Yeah!
My body is wore out, and I feel like I am still recovering from my last treatment 2 weeks ago. My doctor told me this was normal and the body can only take so much punishment before it gets tired.
I have a range of emotions right now that I will save for later;) Overall I have felt so much love, and that is most important. It won’t be easy to not be scared, but I am going to try my best not to be. I wasted so much time these last 5 months with my surgery and chemo, I don’t want to waste anymore. I still have more surgeries to go, but I’ll take it one day at a time like I always have.
I wish it was all just over and I didn’t have 1 left. Today when I looked in the mirror I noticed my eyelashes and now eyebrows are mostly gone. Sometimes I worry it will takes months…maybe even years to make up for the damage I’ve done to my body. But all that comes with the outcome of one day being Cancer Free, and that’s my focus. To raise my babies and see them grow, and make it to 20, 30, 40, 50, 60+ years married to my husband. That was my only goal… to live, and not miss anything. The rest I knew I could handle, or try my hardest too.
So that is it for now. I feel better today and need to get some stuff done:)
Wow, over 17,000 hits on my site! wow! What a fantastic compliment…thank you to everyone who takes time to
stop by and read it:)
Tonight was a good night. It really made feel that my blog was worthy and a great thing I’m doing. John had an awards banquet for the hospital. He wanted me to go with him, and I was so happy I felt good and could go!
I had such great feedback. All night I had people come up to me and say they follow my blog. Also they thought I was doing an amazing thing, and how proud they were of me for putting myself out there. Some of them I knew…some I sort of knew…and some
I didn’t know at all. But… it felt AMAZING!
Just little ol’ me with a little ol’ website has come so far….and I am
proud of myself:) These were my husbands peers and co-workers and they were complimenting me. It felt good:) I really am trying to tell my story the best way I know how…but also
promote womens health and do good things. It’s pretty empowering to change another persons life….even if it is in the tiniest way.
Overall it was a good night. Just spending time with my husband was reward enough, but the rest was the cherry on top:)
And…. lots of people thought I had my own hair and I wasn’t wearing a wig.
Many were actually really shocked and surprised that I was bald under my hair:)
Oh and the countdown till my last chemo continues! Yeah:)
I’d like to say “one week left.” But that’s not really true. The pain after last about a week or so… sometimes longer.
Regardless I ticked the time down and X’d off the calendar… and next Wednesday the 29th is my LAST official chemo. Sounds almost too good to be true…. but it is:)
I have a million things going through my brain, but I’m not going to let that cloud up my happiness.
This is happening. I have changed. I have learned. I am a different person. I know that this was meant to happen to me to learn lessons. Learn who is important in my life, and also help
others along the way.
For those family, or friends who text or call everyday to check on me, I will forever love you. You all showed me what love was all about. I’m sad that other family or friends did not, but I’m not going to let that spoil my happiness. I will NEVER FORGET WHO WAS THERE FOR ME. Thank you:)
What does all this babble boil down to? I had cancer at a young age with a young family. I was so scared and needed help and support on a daily basis. Some stepped up…
and for those
I love you so much:) truly!
Well, when the doc says you will get nerve and joint pain in all your big/major joints… he wasn’t lying. Today it’s my hip and is almost unbearable. I can’t walk, and can barely even move.
I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I am wearing out. I feel like I have been in chemo forever and it just won’t end. This is no sprint, it’s a marathon….and this runner is tired:(