Ohhhhh how I have thought about whether or not to write anything. It took me awhile, but I decided that any of the 21,000 people that had read my blog so far… love and care for me, would want to know what’s going on.
I recently deleted Facebook. I just needed a break from constantly updating my life and every event in it. I also think I just need some space. After everything that has happened this year… I just needed some breathing room. I am not against Facebook by any means, I just want to take a step back from it. And it’s also not that I don’t want to enjoy others life events and joys….I just have my plate full right now, and need to focus on me….for now. My friends and family know my email and phone and can text and so on any time they want.
More news: my leg and numbness is no better… and I have even fallen once because I couldn’t feel my feet under me…so that has been crappy to deal with. But, pushing forward and doing the best I can with the situation.
More news: before I was diagnosed John and I were off birth control. We decided to go off, and just see what happened…. well damn me!! Cancer happened! hahah… no that wasn’t a result.. buy yes, Cancer did happen. Please remember I am 32. John and I have never had super in depth conversations about having a baby, we just talked about it from time to time and one day said we wanted another… but no pressure, I’m fairly young and we’ll see how long it takes. Well, I found the lump in December I had no idea it would take me down the path of cancer…. never in a million zillion years did I expect that. So, babies were off the table, and it was time to “Heal Jennifer.” …. so that’s what we did. It couldn’t be solved in a week or a month….. it couldn’t be done when I had free time…. It was ASAP get your butt ready for a rollercoaster….we are strapping you in NOW! Double mastectomy… chemo…. and so on… months and months and months and months and months of treatment. It honestly felt like it would never end…. but thankfully it did:) It was a battle… but I live to tell the story….
So….. when I was first diagnosed I talked to all my doctors and was honest. I was worried we would never get the chance to have another baby and it was over for us. I was told I am Triple Negative Breast Cancer (no hormone involvment) so…. out of all the types of cancer to have mine was the harshest and did have the highest mortality rate…. but……. the silver lining…….I wouldn’t really be on any post treatment meds, and we could try for a baby at some point when my body was ready. So, I figured….we’ll wait a bit longer, but we’ll get there some day:)
Fast forward to now. I had some blood work done to see if I was in menopause… it was crazy ass high! 93.5. So… yes I am most definetly in menopause. 😦 I have terrible hot flashes, so i’m not all that surprised really. We talked to a few doctors and the news wasn’t good. My body, as of now… cannot make a baby. But… more than that.. it may never. (insert sobbing here) It may never re-boot and allow us to conceive and that’s just a fact. The ability to wait 5 years and “just see” is unfortunately off the table. I have the genetic deformation Brac2. What does this mean? Well…. it means I was at a high risk for breast cancer…. and got it. I’m also at a high risk for ovarian cancer, so I need to have a hysterectomy at some point to prevent that from possibly happening. So…. time is of the essence a bit. You wouldn’t think at 32, it would be an issue… but for me it is. So, where does this leave us? We heard from another doctor who talked to a fertility person and again it was bad news. I heard everything from …. “be happy you have 2 children.” “you could still try invitro and donor eggs (at $30,000+) a try.” “some women get steralized after they find out they are brac2 positive.” “we’ll see where we stand in 5 years.” So, everything was sad and not what I wanted to hear. I cried the whole time, and I’ve cried everyday since.
I look at my Drivers License from time to time and see a young woman, early 30’s… who’s married, healthy …. so on and so forth. All the basic information that makes me a “person.” …..Then I look in the mirror. I see a bald, breastless woman who looks beaten, scarred and now I have to add infertile. It’s just a hard pill to swallow. I don’t know who I am?
I agree that I found the lump in my breast on my own and did whatever medically possible to save my life. Some of it was drastic, but I wanted the very best chance to live a long life. Having no breasts and no hair… well, living was worth more to me than any of that.
I feel ungrateful to say I want another baby, when some are never allowed to have a baby of their own…. but then again I look in the mirror and see a 32 year old lady who has been to hell and back, and who’s body was ready in December to do this.
But why the guilt? Why “should I just be happy with the two I have?” Why are they saying this to me? I don’t think that is very nice to say. I don’t judge others… I don’t ask each person I meet everyday if they got on their knees each morning and thanked God himself for the gift of sight….for the gift of hearing….for the gift of life? In my eyes every second on Earth is a gift… but do people stop their busy lives and really sit down and tell all the things they are thankful for each and everyday? The answer is no. You could go on and on and on about how ungrateful everyone is. It’s just such a slippery slope where you want to have your own sadness, without others judging you on whether it is a valid reason or not.
I am sad. And I will be hearbroken for awhile if I am told at 32 and because of Cancer, the ability to expand my family naturally…. is finished. It’s a loss.
And I will grieve.
We see a doctor related to this November 1st and we’ll see what she says and go from there. But, for now… I am just going to focus on living one day at a time and making the best out of each one of them:)
ps- for those of you who don’t know, I am heading to Nashville Thurs-Sunday of this week for a Young Breast Cancer Survivors Retreat. I won the all expense paid trip with an essay I wrote, and I am so excited. I am scared, but so over the moon I get the chance to be a part of it:)
pps- enjoy some updated photos:)