So, yesterday consisted of me trying to ignore the big pink elephant in the room. I knew it was the day I had my double mastectomy last year….but tried to not acknowledge it in any way. But…. as everyone knows the more you push something down, the more it just wants to boil back up. How do you remember something that was traumatic, without dwelling on the past? It was indeed probably one of the most significant days of my life. Yes, it revolves around cancer, and losing part of my body and femininity….but I can’t just forget it happened right?
I have to admit that this time last year I was almost entirely basing my actions on fear. I was scared. I didn’t know much about breast cancer, and what I did know…was that women die from it. After my surgery I did everything possible Not to look at myself and my scars…for weeks. This even included taking down the mirrors in the house & bathroom. I was just scared. My girls were just 4 & 9. So, I did what I thought would give me the best chance of living a long life….and that was to lose both breasts. I knew reconstruction was not something I was going to focus on right away. I was sick, and couldn’t care less about boobs at that point. I just wanted them gone…the cancer to be gone…and to move on from this.
As I sit here now a year later I think I am doing a pretty good job. I know it’s hard for some to understand why I would write or even give any acknowledgment to such an awful day…. but it is a part of me. I can’t close my eyes, open them, and have my breasts just reappear. Something happened… and the fact that I remember that day, or am a bit more emotional…is just part of it I think. I hope that they can understand that.
I sort explain it as a death of someone you loved. You miss that person, and that loss never goes away. Christmas and Thanksgiving you think about that person and how much you wished they were there with you. Just because they are gone, and the day they passed was incredibly sad…it doesn’t make you stop thinking about them.The day of their passing is a day that comes and goes each year and for a moment you still remember that. Do you not still remember their birthday each year, no matter how long ago? This is how I feel.
I will never forget the people I loved that have passed on….no matter how many tears I cry because I still miss them.
So, today is a new day. I can remember where I came from without obsessing over the details that were horrific. I am doing my best, and well that is just as good as it gets. I shed a few tears…I starred in the mirror at my scars for awhile, and now I am moving on. I’m never going to forget…and that’s okay. I just ask for compassion, love, and understanding, from those around me. If they have ever suffered a loss or heartache….of any kind…. they know it’s not easy. Times like this I think of my grandmother who passed years ago. I remember the day she passed, I remember her birthday each year, and at Christmas I know she won’t be visiting. No matter how many years have passed, it doesn’t make me miss her any less. I don’t sit and dwell on it…. but I do shed a tear or two when I think of her.
Thank you so much to everyone who has been supportive and understanding.💜❤💜❤
First photo was right before i left for surgery. I had Sophie take a picture with me. This was how we felt;) lol The next photo was taken 3 days later in the ICU when I started to feel better.