For some reason today I feel as though I have taken a step back. Yesterday I was laughing and happy and enjoying life. Today, some sort of switch was flipped. Every second I opened my mouth to speak (even if it was a stranger) a tear couldn’t help but roll down my cheek. Some days I really feel like I can beat this, and others my mind gets in the way and says “maybe I can’t.”
It is hard to explain. Maybe my blog post should just be a bunch of empty lines and that is how I really feel. Just a blank page with nothing on it. I know in my heart I am blessed. I have had the most amazing
wonderful people around me who have done so many nice things for me. Like my mom. Every time I look at her, I think I am the luckiest lady in the world. She would switch places with me in a heartbeat if she could…that is what make a good mom.
That is not when my heart is heavy or sad… it is the moments when I am alone and all I have are my own thoughts. Tonight that has happened. Today I took a bath with no shirt on for the first time. I am a mess. I think I probably wasn’t ready, and it was in reality too soon. I was gross at what I saw. I am not me right now…atleast not with clothes off.
I am sad. I am scared. I am pissed off. I am angry. I feel defeated. I feel jipped. I feel wronged. I feel bitter. I feel ugly. I feel deformed. I feel stupid. I feel like less of a woman.
I am also scared waiting on my Genetic Tests to that come back. Part of it doesn’t really matter because my breasts are removed now. But, the other part of the Genetic Test says whether or not I need a hysterectomy. Now to some, it is just another surgery…but for me it is so much more.
I perceive a future where I am filling out a form of some kind. I grab my pen and paper and clipboard and begin the argues task of filling out the dreaded “forms” we all hate to do.
The first few questions are always the easy ones. But who knew—MALE or FEMALE would be a tricky one for me. It’s supposed to be one of the easy ones at the beginning of the form right???
But….since January 16th that question is just not easy anymore. I have no breasts. I soon will have no hair. And maybe even eventually I’ll need to lose my reproductive organs too. What in the world am I???? I’m not even sure if my test comes back positive which Gender I am even closer too???? But, those are my internal issues that fill my brain from time to time.
I also get upset that I have screwed over my two daughters. They are perfect in every way and now because of me they have to have genetic tests run, and mammograms at 22. I don’t feel like they deserve that from me, and deserve better.
Some days I dream some Billionaire will see my blog and want to give me millions of dollars. Not that money fixes everything, or money makes things better…but my guess is it helps. I can tell my kids, husband, parents, in laws, brothers, family and so on I am sorry for all the extra stress this will cause them as they lay on a beach somewhere and sip Pina Coladas;) I’d rather give bad news while looking at the crystal clear water and white sand.:)
Maybe that conversation will be something I will remember in a positive way, instead of a sad disappointing way.
I feel like my genetics have failed me…and in turn one day may fail them too. I am so deeply sorry for that.
Because I promised John I will always end this on a positive note… here it is :
I love you John. I am nothing without you and my kids…and I would give up this fight tomorrow if it weren’t for you all. You are my light at the end of the tunnel…This photo was the day our family of 4 was born. I love this picture. 🙂