For some reason today I feel as though I have taken a step back. Yesterday I was laughing and happy and enjoying life. Today, some sort of switch was flipped. Every second I opened my mouth to speak (even if it was a stranger) a tear couldn’t help but roll down my cheek. Some days I really feel like I can beat this, and others my mind gets in the way and says “maybe I can’t.”
It is hard to explain. Maybe my blog post should just be a bunch of empty lines and that is how I really feel. Just a blank page with nothing on it. I know in my heart I am blessed. I have had the most amazing
wonderful people around me who have done so many nice things for me. Like my mom. Every time I look at her, I think I am the luckiest lady in the world. She would switch places with me in a heartbeat if she could…that is what make a good mom.
That is not when my heart is heavy or sad… it is the moments when I am alone and all I have are my own thoughts. Tonight that has happened. Today I took a bath with no shirt on for the first time. I am a mess. I think I probably wasn’t ready, and it was in reality too soon. I was gross at what I saw. I am not me right now…atleast not with clothes off.
I am sad. I am scared. I am pissed off. I am angry. I feel defeated. I feel jipped. I feel wronged. I feel bitter. I feel ugly. I feel deformed. I feel stupid. I feel like less of a woman.
I am also scared waiting on my Genetic Tests to that come back. Part of it doesn’t really matter because my breasts are removed now. But, the other part of the Genetic Test says whether or not I need a hysterectomy. Now to some, it is just another surgery…but for me it is so much more.
I perceive a future where I am filling out a form of some kind. I grab my pen and paper and clipboard and begin the argues task of filling out the dreaded “forms” we all hate to do.
The first few questions are always the easy ones. But who knew—MALE or FEMALE would be a tricky one for me. It’s supposed to be one of the easy ones at the beginning of the form right???
But….since January 16th that question is just not easy anymore. I have no breasts. I soon will have no hair. And maybe even eventually I’ll need to lose my reproductive organs too. What in the world am I???? I’m not even sure if my test comes back positive which Gender I am even closer too???? But, those are my internal issues that fill my brain from time to time.
I also get upset that I have screwed over my two daughters. They are perfect in every way and now because of me they have to have genetic tests run, and mammograms at 22. I don’t feel like they deserve that from me, and deserve better.
Some days I dream some Billionaire will see my blog and want to give me millions of dollars. Not that money fixes everything, or money makes things better…but my guess is it helps. I can tell my kids, husband, parents, in laws, brothers, family and so on I am sorry for all the extra stress this will cause them as they lay on a beach somewhere and sip Pina Coladas;) I’d rather give bad news while looking at the crystal clear water and white sand.:)
Maybe that conversation will be something I will remember in a positive way, instead of a sad disappointing way.
I feel like my genetics have failed me…and in turn one day may fail them too. I am so deeply sorry for that.
Because I promised John I will always end this on a positive note… here it is :
I love you John. I am nothing without you and my kids…and I would give up this fight tomorrow if it weren’t for you all. You are my light at the end of the tunnel…This photo was the day our family of 4 was born. I love this picture. 🙂
Keep your chin up Jen! You can do this.
Remember, God says:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)
Also remember to be easy on yourself. It’s natural to have good days and bad – you are going through a lot!
Remember God says:
“Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
Jen, Cancer has invaded your life and changed a lot of things. It’s not fair. It SUCKS. I HATE cancer. It’s very hard to understand what good will come of this … But I do pray that one day you will look back and say “wow! What a difficult time that was – but look how God brought me through it! Look at all the people God helped through my journey.”
Remember God says:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”(Romans 8:28 NIV)
Keep up the good fight! You have many people praying for you!
Jen I know you are going threw a rough time right now, but remember something Grandma Dailey said to me when I came out of surgury, you have the Dailey Fight in you and that will help you threw this . You are only part Dailey but we are all fighter . We can handle anything because we will take it one day at a time with one step after another. You have a good mother that will be there for you and a loving supportive husband that will bring you the supprt you need. When I came out of surgury Mark was standing by my bed and told Mom that I was going to be mad because I told him I was going to get Dolly Parton boobs to replace the one I lost and when he looked under the sheet they had me all wrapped tight and flat for the pressure ,and Mark said they don’t look that big to me. I was coming out of being gassed and remember that the pain was bad about busted my stitches laughing. When your hair starts falling out Just shave it off, It isn’t as bad as pulling handful out at a time .You are surprized how great you look in those stylish wigs ,You can buy a different one for every day of the week and be new hot mama every day. You are not weak and with your support of your family you can do it. I can tell you when you can get reconstruction surgury done do it , I didn’t and I regret it ,I know it is another surgury but I think you feel better about your self and your clothes fit and look better Mark is really worried about you so if you could skype him someday I think it would releave his mind that you aren’t leaving him too , Since Bob death he think anybody gets sick the are going to die. Take care and if you need something just e-mail me cause I work werd hours If you skype Mark let me knoe a day before so I can make sure he is here . Remember you have kids and they need there mom so fight you can do this. Aunt Sandy loves you and remember Grandma and Grandpa are up there praying for you every day, they don’t want to see you up there for another 40 years ,they would rather watch you down here on earth with your family raising them girls and to see you enjoy every day of your life happy.Just think I had a mastocomy 16 years ago and still have no problems so you can fight and out do my years because I work to hard and to many hour and don’t take real good care of my self so I know you can do it. If you need to talk I am not an doctor but I will give you all I can . Mark and Sandy
Don’t know how but I googled the following passage from Matthew 11 (preparing for Sunday School tomorrow) and found your blog…
Matthew 11 – ‘Come to me all who are sad . . .you will find rest for your souls… my yoke is easy and my burden is light’
I don’t know if you have a faith but I pray that you will get better and hope that by sharing your journey you can find rest in your soul and the people who have read and donated will help to lighten your burden.
I have donated a VERY small amount as we aren’t wealthy but I hope that mine and hopefully others donations help, our ‘yokes’ are easy compared to yours right now. Be brave, be strong for your family, they need you and I pray that one day your sickness will be far behind you and you can look back with relief, satisfaction and achievement.
Good luck stranger, and may the Lord watch over you.
Soham, Cambridgeshire, England
Wow! I am so amazed by the wonderful people in this big World we live in. Thank you so very much for taking the time to send me a message, and the donation…. it is so greatly appreciated. God Bless you sweet lady.
I will keep you in my thoughts and if you don’t mind, we will add you to our prayer list tomorrow at church? Bx
Yes, that would be wonderful! Thank you for your kindness.
Have a blessed day