Category Archives: The Surgery

just a memory…

So, yesterday consisted of me trying to ignore the big pink elephant in the room. I knew it was the day I had my double mastectomy last year….but tried to not acknowledge it in any way. But…. as everyone knows the more you push something down, the more it just wants to boil back up. How do you remember something that was traumatic, without dwelling on the past? It was indeed probably one of the most significant days of my life. Yes, it revolves around cancer, and losing part of my body and femininity….but I can’t just forget it happened right?

I have to admit that this time last year I was almost entirely basing my actions on fear. I was scared. I didn’t know much about breast cancer, and what I did know…was that women die from it. After my surgery I did everything possible Not to look at myself and my scars…for weeks. This even included taking down the mirrors in the house & bathroom. I was just scared. My girls were just 4 & 9. So, I did what I thought would give me the best chance of living a long life….and that was to lose both breasts. I knew reconstruction was not something I was going to focus on right away. I was sick, and couldn’t care less about boobs at that point. I just wanted them gone…the cancer to be gone…and to move on from this.

As I sit here now a year later I think I am doing a pretty good job. I know it’s hard for some to understand why I would write or even give any acknowledgment to such an awful day…. but it is a part of me. I can’t close my eyes, open them, and have my breasts just reappear. Something happened… and the fact that I remember that day, or am a bit more emotional…is just part of it I think. I hope that they can understand that.

I sort explain it as a death of someone you loved. You miss that person, and that loss never goes away. Christmas and Thanksgiving you think about that person and how much you wished they were there with you. Just because they are gone, and the day they passed was incredibly sad…it doesn’t make you stop thinking about them.The day of their passing is a day that comes and goes each year and for a moment you still remember that. Do you not still remember their birthday each year, no matter how long ago? This is how I feel.

I will never forget the people I loved that have passed on….no matter how many tears I cry because I still miss them.

So, today is a new day. I can remember where I came from without obsessing over the details that were horrific. I am doing my best, and well that is just as good as it gets. I shed a few tears…I starred in the mirror at my scars for awhile, and now I am moving on. I’m never going to forget…and that’s okay. I just ask for compassion, love, and understanding, from those around me. If they have ever suffered a loss or heartache….of any kind…. they know it’s not easy. Times like this I think of my grandmother who passed years ago. I remember the day she passed, I remember her birthday each year, and at Christmas I know she won’t be visiting. No matter how many years have passed, it doesn’t make me miss her any less. I don’t sit and dwell on it…. but I do shed a tear or two when I think of her.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been supportive and understanding.💜❤💜❤

First photo was right before i left for surgery. I had Sophie take a picture with me. This was how we felt;) lol The next photo was taken 3 days later in the ICU when I started to feel better.

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Lumpectomy Part II -Done

Another day…. another surgery;)

So, almost exactly 1 year to the date I had my 2nd lumpectomy to check for breast cancer. (Jan 10, 2013 & January 9, 2014) Lets hope this one has a different outcome;)

I was scared going in, but not nearly as scared as I thought I would be. Maybe because it felt like I had done this all before… and, it wasn’t “new” to me anymore. The kids have been off school because of snow all week, so I was actually happy they were home today so they could be with me:)

Surgery went well and I was released pretty quickly after recovery. The immediate feedback seemed pretty good, but we are waiting for the official pathology on Monday or so. Sadly when I was diagnosed last time the needle biopsy before the lumpectomy came back Negative for cancer. Then, after the lumpectomy we had a good feeling by the look, texture etc. of the lump and again…we were wrong. So, this time patience is a virtue;)

I am really trying my hardest to think good thoughts and stay upbeat about the results. I will worry when I need to, but not before.

Thank you to everyone for all the prayers. My family helped me so much today, and I am so lucky. And….all the emails, texts & messages from friends & family was amazing and uplifting. So, thank you💜💜💜

I will update as soon as I know more. Hugs & Kisses

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Not so good… but a silver lining.

So tonight wasn’t good. But, thank goodness it’s almost over. Most of the day I was in pain, and the last part of the day I was in tears. Mom was helping change my bandages when John walked in from work and took over. I cried through most of it. I cried on Johns shoulder and just needed to hear him say he loved me…. in probably the most vulnerable moment in my life. Standing there with no clothes on, blood soaked bandages and tears rolling off my face.

Mom ran me a bath so I could clean off a bit, but the tears wern’t far behind. I sat in the tub looking at my bandages and scars, and just couldn’t keep it together. Of course mom heard me, and came in like any great mother would. I leaned on her and cried my eyes out while she washed off my back. I really needed that.

I’m not sure what made me fall apart, but I have a guess. If I keep my body this way and have no reconstruction…this is it. This is what I’m left with. With the pain of these surgeries it makes me lean further and further away from any other surgery. I am tired of it.
I’m tired of the pain and the surgeries… and cancer. I just want it all to stop.

After everything today I am also so blessed. My mom and mother in law Pam worked their butts off today helping me get ready for Sophies party. My good friend Deeann brought everyone pie! yummo. And her wonderful husband is putting together Sophie’s birthday present tonight for me:) John and mom were also there for me just in the knick of time for my breakdown;) Overall, it’s a day I am ready to put past me.

Tomorrow is my baby girls 5th birthday and I need to see the brighter side of things:) 5 years ago I was so ready to meet her. I knew what her name would be, and couldn’t wait to see her. She was my Sophie Rose. Funny enough, it was my very first surgery ever- a C section. I was scared, but all that went away because I knew what gift I was about to get. The gift of new life:) She was worth it all…. and I think one day I’ll say the same about all the rest. These are the steps that I have to take to rid myself of cancer and raise my baby girls. I will do whatever is needed to stay here:) Thank you for all the prayers. xoxo

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Surgery:

1:45 in the morning, I better get some sleep before my surgery. I’m always a little nervous… Will update more tomorrow. Prayers needed:) Thank you everyone for the on-going love and support. This has been a long journey, so thank you for sticking by me through it all:) xoxox Big thanks to Deann for watching my little ones while I’m in surgery… Love you:) and my mom for driving in early in the morning to help:) Night all!

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Quick Update.. it’s Midnight;)

Well, I am soaking my sore legs and thinking of my upcoming surgery. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Anytime you go under, you have a fear you won’t wake up. I know in my heart I have a great surgeon and hospital, and that would never happen. But, I still get scared.

This surgery is not nearly as scary as the last when I was losing both breasts and starring down the barrel of 4 months of chemo. I will be happy to see my port go bye bye! They will also remove my side breasts and fix my front a bit. Hopefully it won’t be too long of a surgery and I’ll be home in the afternoon.

One other quick bit I’m not happy about. Since chemo ended May 29th…. I have lost EVERY SINGLE eyelash and eyebrow hair!! Damnit! I was doing so good too. That last treatment must have put me over 😦

Enjoy some photos from Chicago!

Anyhow, better get to bed! xoxo

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bye bye 261n

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