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I made it!

Well, the day has come. In just a few short hours (because I can never sleep;) both my girls will be off to school. This summer went by so fast, and I wish I could get some more time. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them. I know they are both getting older, and this time is precious. I feel like I had to give up so much time while I was sick, I didn’t want to be away from them anymore. So, it was a wonderful summer:) I know the girls enjoyed all the stuff we did together as a family. There are some things in life you can get back, but sadly time is not one of them. I started to get back to the “old me” again… and it felt good. I have so many memories of a great summer with them I wouldn’t trade for a million dollars. Down deep I know my girls better than most anyone else… and I know they needed me. They wanted their mommy to wake up everyday, and tuck them in at night…just the little things I use to take for granted….never again. Life is precious, and I’m not wasting a moment.

So, tomorrow I will no doubt shed some tears. My little girls are growing up infront of my very eyes. I am not exactly sure why I am so emotional… but I am. I think for awhile it will just be fear….. that maybe tomorrow was a day I wouldn’t have made it too if I didn’t do that breast exam and find cancer. I was told my kind of cancer was the most aggressive and it gets very bad…very fast. It was enough to scare me. I guess to be honest, I’m still scared:(

I was 8 years away from getting my first needed mammagram…. the doctor said it would have been 7 1/2 years too late for me. So…at 32, with a husband, a toddler, and a 9 year old… this wasn’t something I expected. But, I did it! With the help from the most wonderful friends and family. I kicked cancers ass… and this bald mama will proudly walk into school tomorrow with a smile on my face and realize just how lucky I am to be here.

God had mercy on me, and I am forever grateful. I went through the pitts of Hell…. but tomorrow when I see Sophie & Kaylee walk into their classrooms, I know in my heart I wasn’t ready to leave this Earth. I still had more to do. My family and my children are my whole world. I wouldn’t have done any of the things I did if it wern’t for the fact that I needed more time with them. Moments like tomorrow are the reason Cancer survivors fight every single day…. through the pain… through the hurt…. through it all. At it’s core, making memories is what it is all about. We don’t want that cut short because of cancer. So we continue to fight…. and never stop.











More Flashbacks:)

Today I’m not sad. Just looking back at the journey I took. Flowers I had been given, my ICU room, my drains (sorry, gross) more pictures and some videos taken … and more. My focus is always moving forward….but also not forgetting my past:) xoxo











5 weeks, over 8,000 views!

In just 5 short weeks I have had over 8,000 views to my site! That is wonderful. I hope women (or men;) read my story and get their mammos and do self-exams. It saves lives.

I was also sent a care package from good friends:) cheered me up after the cannoli catastrophe 😉


Just the call I didn’t want :

Like I’ve said before this is a roller coaster There are ups and there are downs. I had a fun weekend in St. Louis and never wanted it to end. It was amazing. What wasn’t amazing was the feeling I’ve had the last day or so that I don’t want to leave St.Louis. The moment I leave St. Louis, is the moment chemo and reality starts for me in Rolla.

Before heading home I promised my mom I’d take her shooting with her new gun to try. We had a blast! We laughed, we chatted, and without the kids screaming it was a bit of relaxation. She is a good shot, so criminals be aware. That was until the phone call….

I get a call from the place I will have chemo. She wanted to talk to me and remind me of the fact that chemo could put my body into menopause at 32. They knew we were trying for a baby before and needed to remind me of the risks that go with chemo. I did have a bit of time to put off chemo and try to harvest some eggs if we wanted. I am pretty sure unless I intend on winning the lottery anytime soon harvesting eggs, surrogates , etc. Is just not in the cards for us.

We decide to leave it in the Lords hands and hopefully when all is said and done we may still be able to have our baby after all. But, unless a miracle happens it will be quite unlikely.

Some days I want to hide in a hole so deep no one will ever find me. In one hand I have a great family and am the luckiest girl in the world… on the other hand I don’t know how much more I can take. My heart stops a beat every time the phone rings, and most days I hate my life and how it’s affected everyone around me.

I don’t want breast cancer. I don’t want my kids to be affected, I don’t want my parents to be affected, I don’t want my husband to be affected… my kids, johns parents.. family etc. I just want it all to go away. I don’t want to be a hassle, I don’t want anyone going broke because of me. I just want to disappear, and make everything go back to how it was.

What a total mess this is. I should write a book called “How Cancer will totally Fu** Up your entire Life”

I bet it will be a best seller 🙂

Just was reminded by John to end with something positive: I’m happy my dad took me to Target to shop and relax… and now play a Larry the Lobster slot machine 🙂

What an unfair burden.

After a bit of sleep and a very long day things in my brain are still a bit foggy.The feelings you have one day that may totally rule your life, may have zero impact on your life the next day.

Yesterday I felt like cancer was this horrible thing that was laid on my lap and I never asked for it. Down deep I never thought I would be in this situation, so most days I just roam around lost.

Do you feel like a burden? You probably are. Less than 5% of women under 40 get breast cancer…so if/ when this happens there is no way to prepare. Your family will suffer, your body will suffer, your kids will suffer…and to make it all worse ….your finances will suffer. In one week I had $200 worth of prescriptions alone. That has nothing to with medical bills that will role in soon, and even basic preparations for chemo next week. This just seems unfair in a way. Yes…at 32 with 2 small children at home while battling cancer isn’t punishment enough… there is still the stress of every other daily activity too. Something just sounds wrong.

Today I went to a tea party for breast cancer survivors at the hospital. It was not as easy as I thought. I panned the room and quickly noticed I was one of the youngest. Probably the only one who had a 4 year old child. I was in a room full of survivors… and I wasn’t one yet. That didn’t sit well with me. They were all very sweet and kind…it’s just our stories were all different…and I wasn’t sure I was ready to tell mine, or to hear theirs just yet.

Tomorrow is a great day as I head to my parents for some R & R . I get to have some laughs and maybe even forget I have cancer for a minute or two. Saturday I go to the wig shop and it will be a major turning point ( and I don’t mean me.)

What most don’t know is Sophie (my 4 year old) has mentioned to multiple people, including myself….”If I was going to die?”

She prays for me at school and knows I’m sick…but that’s about it. So Saturday my mom, her, and I will go wig shopping. I’ll try to mostly laugh, and do what I do best…be a great mom. We’ll try on funny wigs, be silly, and somehow show her I will be fine.

Even if I had a million dollars, or even a million do-overs I’m not sure I’d change a thing. (well except cure cancer of course) This is me. The real me, doing the best I can everyday the Good Lord gives me.

Since I have to end on a positive note for John this is all I’ll say:

I know the value of life now, and it doesn’t start with a dollar sign.

I love my kids , my husband, family and friends. Happy Valentines Day to all 🙂

Time for Tea… sorry TT

Just an Update:

Well, part of me wants to go off on some long sad rant about how cancer affects all aspects in life…kids, husbands, burdens, money… etc. but I shall save that for another day.

Tonight we shall talk about my TT or so I have called it. ( be aware all my church going, christians and so on for what I’m about to say;) Torpedo tit, or I will call for short TT is sort of what I call one of my breasts:) With almost 5,000 people reading my blog in 22 days, I feel sort of bad for even bringing it up:) But, I said I’d keep it real…so on with TT! I had a double mastectomy. One side is what they call simple, just looks kind of mushy skin and a scar. Thank goodness there was no cancer in that breast!

My other breast was a modified radical mastectomy and that means they don’t give a rats ass what they need to do to get the cancer out.

Sure, they do their best, but the priority is your life…not your vanity. So, that breast looks a bit wonky and mine comes out to a small point. So I started calling it my TT ( no worries I’ll stop using the real word) It may seem totally nuts, but even with my breasts being gone my TT bugs me the most. I can’t wear bras because I have no ta ta’s…but then I can’t wear a t-shirt or jersey material because it pokes out.

Anyhow, today my armpit where the 15 lymph nodes were taken was really hurting swelling. Just to be safe I called my favorite nurse Kristen (yo yo shout out to Kristen;) to see if this was normal. She had me come in at 1:30
and someone would look at if. There were mainly 3 things it could be. Swelling.Fluid. or Fat. She asked if I wanted it drained to see if that would relieve some pressure…so I opted to. I did grow up with a dad that gambled and played the horses, so I asked for my odds upfront and it seemed like a good bet. So, I did it…and well my old broke down pony ran dead last. No real fluid came out.

So now we are left with two options. It’s mainly just swelling… or fat. Clearly it has to be swelling 😉 I did get good news that after my chemo I could get the “fat… scratch that, swelling removed and my TT fixed in outpatient surgery that Insurance would cover.That made me feel better. But, mostly hoodies and sweatshirts etc. till it can be fixed. Wow is my insurance company probably pissed at me this year so far:) lol So,I was sent home on my merry way.

Because my appt. was a bit out of the blue I had to drop Sophie off at Johns office for an hour or so. Didn’t want to scar her for life at my procedure. We saw Johns dad in the hallway and Sophie looked a bit like she wasn’t feeling good… that was until the words “gift shop” were said! She perked right up and headed that way. She picked out a Dr’s uniform and from now on I take all my medical advice from Dr. Sophie 🙂 Anyhow enough about my TT and so on, night world:)


Logo is DONE!

Today I picked up the polos and fleeces with the new logo and they look amazing! My guess is it would be a best seller at the hospital gift shop 🙂 Hopefully they are not too upset I decided to change the logo a bit to fit my current situation:)

I made it, and I think it’s super cute!




Just not the same:(

So, today was the day I had
been looking for. The day
I could get back in my hot tub!!!! yeah! So my mom gets in and then I do next.This is it! I waited 2 whole weeks!

Why the hell am I sinking and not floating? Oh yeah, my flotation devices were to be used if my plane crashed in the Atlantic. Oh, well.

I had fun, but I still didn’t look down.
I don’t even have a clue what my scars look like yet…just not reeady.

Bedore we got out of the tub I reached over and squeezed my moms boobs twice. She didn’t say a whole lot, and neither did I. I just knew at that moment I was different… and hated it.


So much today, but it is 2am and I have church tomorrow. Will give a long update then:) lots of love —

It’s a family affair…or is it?

So yesterday was another hard day. I did get out of the house which is good. I helped take Sophie to school and everyone was so happy to see me up and about after only a week after surgery. Then a good friend watched Sophie and allowed my mom and I to just lay down and watch tv and hold hands for awhile. It was wonderful. 🙂

Later on,I had a doctors appt at 4:00. My husband came with me and all I kept thinking about was getting weighed. Not really just my weight in general…but what my weight is without breasts. How much did they really weigh?? Sometimes when your jogging you could swear to to God they weighed 30lbs a piece 😉 lol. I think he was upset I made him stand in the corner, but that moment was about me… not him. The office visit went well. I told them I had yet to look at any of my scars and they were respectful of that. They were curious why, and all I could say is “I just wasn’t ready yet.”

I knew the triple negative breast cancer was the shitty one” to get, and my surgeon agreed. But, what I didn’t know was that a big reason the reocurrance is so high with triple negative is because of the lymph nodes coming back positive. Since none of mine did, that was a great sign. Maybe even a Silver Lining of some sorts 🙂

The appt. itself was hard though. It was time. Time for the bandages to come all off and well “it is, what it is.” No take Backs.”

I disrobed infront of my husband, put the cape on…and waited. The surgeon came in, said how great I healed, took out the drains and said he’d see me in a few weeks. I could shower and even take a bath.Overall it was good new…right?

When John and I got home that night and things had settled we started to fight. I’m not sure about what, and I doubt he knows either.

This takes me back to my title. “Is cancer a family affair?” Does your whole family get cancer?

We sat in a room just 16 days prior and heard the words “Jen has cancer .” Those words live inside my heart forever. And although my husband, and kids,and mom and dad adore me and love me….those words didn’t include their names. Just mine. That was scary.

It’s never “we need a root canal.”
Or “we sprained (jm I fixed my grammar you spelling nazi) our ankle today.” Or hey “we broke our penis.” Or earlier in the kitchen while cooking dinner “we sliced our finger.” But, for some reason cancer seems like this one “thing” we all go through together.

So, last night as John and I are both frustrated at each other, it all
boiled down to one thing….maybe we were both right. My cancer will be a battle we tackle as a family on some days, and on some days I will tackle it alone.And, I think that’s okay.

I know he means well, and anyone that truly loves someone else
would do the same. But, sadly he can’t be me. He can’t feel every feeling I have. He can’t experience every tear I shed.

I sat in the bath last night for the first time since my surgery. I looked down as I was wearing a tank top in the water with tears flowing down my face. When would I ever feel okay to take that tank top off and be okay with what I saw. Who knows? When I got out and changed into my pajamas I noticed one breast poked out of my shirt weird. I made a
joke that it looked like a torpedo tit. lol

In those momemts….they didn’t feel like family affairs. I doubt anyone would say they were. But, I know there will be plenty that will be. I looked into Johns eyes and told him sometimes I just need someone to shut their mouth and hold my hand…he agreed . The answer is, there are no answers. I have no clue what I am doing, or how it will impact the life of me and the ones I love. I trust in God, and the direction he has for me.


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