Monthly Archives: January 2013

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Well, today I am in pain…again. Jeez I had both knockers taken off, so that’s bound to happen. I did get some really good news though! yeah!

FYI-when nurses call and say they have results its a good thing. They are not the ones to tell you the bad stuff. If they say “the doctor wants to see you at 4:30” …. uhhh ohh. You are in deep doo doo.

So, my favorite Nurse Krisitn called and said my pathology results were in. Please remember a few months ago I had to google what “pathology” even meant 🙂 haha . Since I left the hospital it felt as though my armpit was on fire. Today I found out why 🙂 15 lymph nodes were taken out and all came back negative.!!!! My oncologist said if it came back negative I wouldn’t need Radiation….so that’s a great thing!

I also showed no margins ( any areas where cancer cells may remain) after the mastectomy. The were there after the lumpectomy, but now they are gone! I also got some new meds, so that helps too tonight.

As I say all this I should have a huge smile on my face…. but I
don’t. Today was bandage change day. I stood there naked infront of my husband with my hands out holding my drains till it was all over. It was horrible, every single minute of it. Whatever use to be there , under my camisole… no longer was.

Just another day of living with cancer. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

oh yes something good for John…. I don’t need Radiation! yeah 🙂

Just because I need a laugh


Cancer Sucks!!!!

So, let’s just get this out in the open…Cancer Sucks. I have a pretty good feeling I won’t be asked to speak in public, or write any articles regarding this. I am pretty much a loose canon.

Today I was uncomfortable. I have tubes, and drains , and bags, and blood, anything else you can think of.
On top of all this I apparently made it on God’s naughtly list and it was decided that I wasn’t nearly in enough agony and had to throw into the mix my monthly period. Just Freakin Great! Like I don’t have enough on my plate, or my self esteem wasn’t low enough. Wonderful.

I did clean up a bit today and that made me feel better ( John that’s about all you’ll get this time around) As days progress I feel like I am already missing things. What did Sophie have as a snack at lunch, or how did Kaylees class go? I have no idea. I am so wrapped up with cancer I feel like everything else will suffer.

For those who don’t me, I am a stay at home mom. Being a mom is my job and that’s what I do. I know everything about everything when it comes to my kids because thats my job to do. Now, what the hell am I? A stay at home
mom who doesn’t even do that job well now. I am sick, and I need to get better so I can go back to doing what I do best….Being a mom.

I could go on and on about how I feel about my husband, but it will probably embarress him. Let’s just say…things have changed. I know I can’t do the things I normally could, and even when I can, he will be looking at someone different.

11 years ago he walked down the isle and married a young girl with short brown hair, spunk, and size D breasts. Yes, I know that is not why he married me, but “it” was me. I’m not sure what I am now. A soon to be bald girl, covererd in scars with no breasts and maybe no reproductive organs either. My husband is wonderful and I know this is not how he feels. This is my blog, and my chance to speak my peace and how I feel.

There are two parts to cancer that I have realized. The part where you are trying to save your life, and the part where you react to what has been done to your body to accomplish the first.

Thursday I have an appt. with my surgeon at 4:00. Most wouldn’t think
twice, but I know damn well
any appt. that late in the day means they want the surgeon to see
you in person. Well, the last two times I had horrible news, and the last good news I had was calling in on the phone. Anyhow, I’ll worry anyway there is no real reason to stop that even if I wanted to.

It has been a long emotional day for me. I know there will be many more to come. John makes me say something good, so I will:

I texted my surgeons personal cell phone because I was in pain tonight and he called me 10 minutes later to help.I know this may be a smaller hospital we have here, but that kind of care is hard to find. I am proud to have him watch over me through this process.

Time for Bed

Today was horrible. It was exhausting and I just want it to be over with. Good night friends and family. 🙂

Positive- I Iove my mom for all she has done to help me through this on a daily basis. 🙂

It happened:

It’s here. I’m overwhelmed. My mom has been my right hand gal and I couldn’t ask for better help. She is everything to me, and she is the one who will help me the most through this. How lucky am I?

Everyone wants to help, and I really just don’t know how. Most of this stems from the fact that I am still in shock.

Maybe even in denial. Why do I need help, I’m 32? I should be healthy.

How is it that a few weeks ago I was bitching about going to some stupid Cancer Gala (I jokingly call it the Senior Citizen Prom) 🙂 the hospital was supporting, and now I am supposed to go… but as a Cancer patient myself?

It just reminds you that everyday is not a given. You are not guaranteed this life you think you deserve, but a life you are given and learn to be thankful for. The small things.

I got a call a bit ago and I am again filled with fear. 4:00 Thursday my surgeon want to see me. Now for all those who don’t know this routine…getting called into the office is usually not a good thing. Now, granted I have bandages, drains, tubes, etc. that need checked on…but I have some major results I’m still waiting on. Getting called in the office, especially a later appt. time is never good.

Growing up, when a customer… or boss… etc. would call my dad the first thing he’d always say is:

“Jen, they sure as hell aren’t calling to tell me what a great job I’m doing.”

The same applies to my situation.

Sinking in…

So, here I am sitting in bed thinking about all the different things people have, and will continue to do for me. I should be happy, but I’m not. I feel bad. I feel bad that because of me they’re going out of their way to buy flowers to send cards to make meals, to help with my kids and just help me out in general. I know that they want to do all this for me, but it still makes me feel a bit guilty.

How in the world am I going to make it up to everybody? How can I ever tell them thank you enough times? I have always been a pretty self-sufficient person that can do most things on my own. And if I can’t…I will sure as hell try. But cancer, cancer is something that I can’t do all by myself and I’m just now realizing it. Will I miss things? Yes, I am sick and can’t do everything I did before. Does that make me sad? Yes.

Cancer affects me, my kids, my husband, my family, my church, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors and everybody inbetween.

I wish this would all just go away. But, as I sit here with this cold icepack lying on my flat chest I realize I am way past wishes.

Thank you to everyone who will be a part of my journey…I love you all.

First night at home… bad at night

well 4:30 am I woke in agony:( pain meds had run out while sleeping…. damn damn damn

someone missed me

Sophie snuggled up and fell asleep with me:)


Who’s sick?

This is what I came home from the hospital to. So very kind and sweet and thoughtful…but it really does make me realize how sick I am. I do have cancer, and I just can’t hide that fact anymore.

My chemo starts in 3 weeks and I have a lot going through my brain. When chemo starts I can’t go anywhere where there are crowds, or people, or where I’d have a chance to get sick. Seems like a sad place to be. I need to make the most out of this time.


bye bye 261n


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