Taking it from the top

Well, today I am in pain…again. Jeez I had both knockers taken off, so that’s bound to happen. I did get some really good news though! yeah!

FYI-when nurses call and say they have results its a good thing. They are not the ones to tell you the bad stuff. If they say “the doctor wants to see you at 4:30” …. uhhh ohh. You are in deep doo doo.

So, my favorite Nurse Krisitn called and said my pathology results were in. Please remember a few months ago I had to google what “pathology” even meant 🙂 haha . Since I left the hospital it felt as though my armpit was on fire. Today I found out why 🙂 15 lymph nodes were taken out and all came back negative.!!!! My oncologist said if it came back negative I wouldn’t need Radiation….so that’s a great thing!

I also showed no margins ( any areas where cancer cells may remain) after the mastectomy. The were there after the lumpectomy, but now they are gone! I also got some new meds, so that helps too tonight.

As I say all this I should have a huge smile on my face…. but I
don’t. Today was bandage change day. I stood there naked infront of my husband with my hands out holding my drains till it was all over. It was horrible, every single minute of it. Whatever use to be there , under my camisole… no longer was.

Just another day of living with cancer. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

oh yes something good for John…. I don’t need Radiation! yeah 🙂

So, let’s just get this out in the open…Cancer Sucks. I have a pretty good feeling I won’t be asked to speak in public, or write any articles regarding this. I am pretty much a loose canon.

Today I was uncomfortable. I have tubes, and drains , and bags, and blood, anything else you can think of.
On top of all this I apparently made it on God’s naughtly list and it was decided that I wasn’t nearly in enough agony and had to throw into the mix my monthly period. Just Freakin Great! Like I don’t have enough on my plate, or my self esteem wasn’t low enough. Wonderful.

I did clean up a bit today and that made me feel better ( John that’s about all you’ll get this time around) As days progress I feel like I am already missing things. What did Sophie have as a snack at lunch, or how did Kaylees class go? I have no idea. I am so wrapped up with cancer I feel like everything else will suffer.

For those who don’t me, I am a stay at home mom. Being a mom is my job and that’s what I do. I know everything about everything when it comes to my kids because thats my job to do. Now, what the hell am I? A stay at home
mom who doesn’t even do that job well now. I am sick, and I need to get better so I can go back to doing what I do best….Being a mom.

I could go on and on about how I feel about my husband, but it will probably embarress him. Let’s just say…things have changed. I know I can’t do the things I normally could, and even when I can, he will be looking at someone different.

11 years ago he walked down the isle and married a young girl with short brown hair, spunk, and size D breasts. Yes, I know that is not why he married me, but “it” was me. I’m not sure what I am now. A soon to be bald girl, covererd in scars with no breasts and maybe no reproductive organs either. My husband is wonderful and I know this is not how he feels. This is my blog, and my chance to speak my peace and how I feel.

There are two parts to cancer that I have realized. The part where you are trying to save your life, and the part where you react to what has been done to your body to accomplish the first.

Thursday I have an appt. with my surgeon at 4:00. Most wouldn’t think
twice, but I know damn well
any appt. that late in the day means they want the surgeon to see
you in person. Well, the last two times I had horrible news, and the last good news I had was calling in on the phone. Anyhow, I’ll worry anyway there is no real reason to stop that even if I wanted to.

It has been a long emotional day for me. I know there will be many more to come. John makes me say something good, so I will:

I texted my surgeons personal cell phone because I was in pain tonight and he called me 10 minutes later to help.I know this may be a smaller hospital we have here, but that kind of care is hard to find. I am proud to have him watch over me through this process.