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Monthly Archives: July 2013
Time for a birthday celebration:)
A Celebration:
So, this weekend was fun:) and exhausting! We celebrated Sophie’s 5th birthday with a water slide party. It was so darn hot, it worked perfectly. I also talked to Kaylee and let her invite a friend as
well. In February (her birthday) I was still at the begining stage of my cancer and I couldn’t do a whole lot for her. She had a sleep over at my in-laws, but I couldn’t really be a part of it. So, this celebration was for both girls:) They had such a great time and it went perfectly.
I also, looked around at our friends and family who were there and realized how lucky we are. These people are all like family to us now, and stepped up so much while I was sick.
I haven’t mentioned it, and didn’t really want to…but my heart has been heavy for a long time. Besides my husband, and of course my mom, I haven’t had that many Best Friends in my lifetime. I had one in High School (long story;) and met another when I first moved to Rolla. Sadly, shortly after chemo started… she never contacted me again. Honestly, it broke my heart. It’s taken me awhile to move past this, but slowly I am.
I remeber quite vividly the day I was diagnosed. I was a mess. I texted and called the ones close to me… and one person in particular really stood out for me. Mary & I were good friends, but that day I needed more…and she was there. An hour after I talked to her…and we cried together….she was on my front porch hugging me. Willing to use every resource she knew of to help me in some way. She dropped everything to be by my side and comfort me. She and her entire family reached out to me. They all became like family to me, and love each one dearly. Her and her son were here to celebrate with us this weekend and I loved having them here:) She is what Best Friends should thrive to be.
I also never thought that Sophies preschool teacher would become such an important part of our lives too. From the moment I got sick Deeann has texted me almost everyday asking what she can do to help. Every surgery, not just the mastectomy…. she was there. I had surgery this week and she immediately set out to help me with it in any way possible. She knew Sophies party was coming up and it would be hard on me. She is a loving and caring person and I am so lucky to have her and her husband be a part of our lives. My girls love her, and so do I. She too is the definition of a Best Friend.
I have made so many new friends this year. I have mentioned just 2, but there are so many more who have stepped up to help me. I will never ever forget that. I also have so much more knowledge on how to be a friend to others. These people have changed my life forever.
I know that I can sit and be sad for what I have lost…but I’m not going to. This year showed me just how fragile life is. I know in my heart I am a good person. I would be there for them every step of the way if life handed them something unimaginable.
When you get sick your whole life changes. You ask yourself everyday “why me?” But…..then I think of all the people that I wouldn’t be close to if it wern’t for cancer. In my heart I’m not sure I’d go back and change a single thing. I have wonderful true friends, an amazing family and feel like I’m the luckiest girl on Earth.
I was able to spend so much time with my mom while she was here, (I miss her terribly) make amazing friends, enjoy my family….and so much more. I know God has a path for me, and always has. I just have to trust in Him. 🙂
Enjoy some party pics!
Not so good… but a silver lining.
So tonight wasn’t good. But, thank goodness it’s almost over. Most of the day I was in pain, and the last part of the day I was in tears. Mom was helping change my bandages when John walked in from work and took over. I cried through most of it. I cried on Johns shoulder and just needed to hear him say he loved me…. in probably the most vulnerable moment in my life. Standing there with no clothes on, blood soaked bandages and tears rolling off my face.
Mom ran me a bath so I could clean off a bit, but the tears wern’t far behind. I sat in the tub looking at my bandages and scars, and just couldn’t keep it together. Of course mom heard me, and came in like any great mother would. I leaned on her and cried my eyes out while she washed off my back. I really needed that.
I’m not sure what made me fall apart, but I have a guess. If I keep my body this way and have no reconstruction…this is it. This is what I’m left with. With the pain of these surgeries it makes me lean further and further away from any other surgery. I am tired of it.
I’m tired of the pain and the surgeries… and cancer. I just want it all to stop.
After everything today I am also so blessed. My mom and mother in law Pam worked their butts off today helping me get ready for Sophies party. My good friend Deeann brought everyone pie! yummo. And her wonderful husband is putting together Sophie’s birthday present tonight for me:) John and mom were also there for me just in the knick of time for my breakdown;) Overall, it’s a day I am ready to put past me.
Tomorrow is my baby girls 5th birthday and I need to see the brighter side of things:) 5 years ago I was so ready to meet her. I knew what her name would be, and couldn’t wait to see her. She was my Sophie Rose. Funny enough, it was my very first surgery ever- a C section. I was scared, but all that went away because I knew what gift I was about to get. The gift of new life:) She was worth it all…. and I think one day I’ll say the same about all the rest. These are the steps that I have to take to rid myself of cancer and raise my baby girls. I will do whatever is needed to stay here:) Thank you for all the prayers. xoxo
:( Sad face = how I’m feeling
Time to complain:
Somedays I am perfectly fine, and other days I am pissed the whole day. I am so tired of all this. Tired of cancer…tired of laying in bed…tired of pain….tired of damn near everything. I keep feeling I take two steps forward and one step back:(
More recently, I’m even upset about my hair. This whole time….months and months of no hair, and just now I feel vulnerable about it. I find myself starring at people with hair. Even getting a bit pissy when a shampoo commercial comes on;) I don’t have a single hair on my face and it is REALLY annoying! I am wearing the biggest glasses I have, and it still doesn’t seem to cover up my face nearly enough.
So, my self esteem is down, and I’m a total disaster. What’s new. Somedays I want to cry all day, and this just seems to be one of them. I hate cancer, I hate what it has done to my body, done to my life, done to my self esteem… and damn near everything else possible. Overall I guess I am just tired….tired of all of it.
That’s it, I have nothing positive to say today.
This is the only photo that I have to show how I’m feeling
All surgeries Suck!
I don’t care what type of surgery you are having…it sucks. You will be in pain, they will stick you with needles… and at some point you will be brought to tears. Guaranteed.
Today has been a lond day. It started off with no sleep last night. Then, I went to the hospital and was admitted…they immediately drew blood.. big fun. Then it’s IV time. On the 4th try they finally got it and I had tears rolling down my cheeks at this point.
I have bad veins.. can’t blame them, just my stupid body revolting on me yet again. 😉
Now we are prepping for surgery. I’m all marked up and ready to go. My port is coming out and he is also cutting off the scar to make a new cleaner one. TT is going bye bye (refer to earlier posts;) my other breast just needed to be less “pointy” 😉 and then on the radical mastectomy side a mass of skin was removed that was left over. So…. just a bunch of fun was had by all 😉
I woke up in agonizing pain, like usual and couldn’t get it under control. I was told by 3 different people that maybe I should “stay the night to receive meds.”
No way! I wasn’t staying. So, I took my pills and relaxed…. and eventually was ready to roll!
So, now I am home in bed with ice packs on my chest 🙂 Lets hope the medicine works… because I still have a 5 years party to finish up, and a Doctors appt. Friday with a doctor about my leg pain (chemo)
Thanks for all the prayers, lots of love!
Surgery:
1:45 in the morning, I better get some sleep before my surgery. I’m always a little nervous… Will update more tomorrow. Prayers needed:) Thank you everyone for the on-going love and support. This has been a long journey, so thank you for sticking by me through it all:) xoxox Big thanks to Deann for watching my little ones while I’m in surgery… Love you:) and my mom for driving in early in the morning to help:) Night all!
Quick Update.. it’s Midnight;)
Well, I am soaking my sore legs and thinking of my upcoming surgery. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Anytime you go under, you have a fear you won’t wake up. I know in my heart I have a great surgeon and hospital, and that would never happen. But, I still get scared.
This surgery is not nearly as scary as the last when I was losing both breasts and starring down the barrel of 4 months of chemo. I will be happy to see my port go bye bye! They will also remove my side breasts and fix my front a bit. Hopefully it won’t be too long of a surgery and I’ll be home in the afternoon.
One other quick bit I’m not happy about. Since chemo ended May 29th…. I have lost EVERY SINGLE eyelash and eyebrow hair!! Damnit! I was doing so good too. That last treatment must have put me over 😦
Enjoy some photos from Chicago!
Anyhow, better get to bed! xoxo
Broken Heart
Well, I finally have a post that is not totally revolving around cancer. Yes, I have an upcoming surgery, so that’s on my mind….but right now all I can think about is Mark. And how I miss him terribly. I wish I could just kidnap him and keep him forever. I had so much fun with him the last two weeks. I spent as much time as possible with him, John spent time with him… and he even met some of my close friends. We had the best time and made great memories. I am so happy my girls were able to spend so much time with him. We all had a fantastic time:)
But……… I miss him.
What’s not to love? He is the kindest, sweetest, most gentle person I have ever met. He loves so much, and he isn’t afraid to show emotions. About 20 minutes before my dad picked him up I walked into my room and just saw him standing there looking down. I walked up to him and he raised his head and said “I’m going to miss you so much Jenny.” (he use to call me that when I was young:) And then he just starred at me with tears rolling down his cheeks. I couldn’t do anything but give him a huge hug and cry with him.
All weekend he called me “Gods little Angel.” I have no idea why, but I loved it everytime he said it. I love him like he was my child. I will protect him, stand up for him, cry with him, and do whatever he needs me to do. Without a doubt in my mind I would take care of him if I was asked. He means that much to me. As I have gotten older my relationship with him has changed. I feel like I need to protect him and watch after him. More than anything I just want to see him smile and be happy.
I couldn’t even begin to put into words how his world ended the day his mother passed away. Everything changed. She was his rock… and although she was sick for a very long time before…. when she died, a part of Mark died too. He didn’t just love his mother…. he absolutely adored her. When his dad passed many years before he knew it was his job to be the new Man of the House and take care of her. And, he did such a great job at that. The way he looked at her was an emotion I may never see again from someone. It was much more than love…it was Faith… it was Devotion… it was Appreciation… it was Admiration all wrapped into one.
These past few weeks my husband especially has shown Mark so much love. He went out of his way time and time again to tell Mark how much he loved him. One day he even took him to lunch with his dad and showed him off to people around the hospital. He loved that so much! He couldn’t stop talking about it:) John sent him home with a bag full of gifts from the hospital and Mark was grinning from ear to ear. John knows how much Mark means to me and that just reassured me that John is my soul mate. 11 years of marriage and he still makes me proud of him everyday. He is a great man who loves me and loves my family too.
Without a doubt my life is better because Mark has been a part of it. He has made me a better person. A better daughter… a better wife… and most of all a better mother. I know he will never read this, but one day my kids will and all the memories of Mark when they were children will come flooding in:)
In my next post I will go into detail on my amazing (yet exhausting;) trip to Chicago with my girls and John. We had time to reconnect as family ….. and it was amazing. Every surgery I went through and chemo appointment was worth it. This is my family, and I wouldn’t change it for the world!
Here are some of my favorite photos of Marks trip;) Also a beautiful sign a great friend of mine made to send home with Mark. (he loved it!) 
Yippee over 19,000 views
Wow! Over 19,000 views since Jan 21st. Yeah! Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my story, and all the prayer:) xoxo
Taking it from the top 