Category Archives: Waiting for Chemo

Time for Bed

Today was horrible. It was exhausting and I just want it to be over with. Good night friends and family. 🙂

Positive- I Iove my mom for all she has done to help me through this on a daily basis. 🙂

It happened:

It’s here. I’m overwhelmed. My mom has been my right hand gal and I couldn’t ask for better help. She is everything to me, and she is the one who will help me the most through this. How lucky am I?

Everyone wants to help, and I really just don’t know how. Most of this stems from the fact that I am still in shock.

Maybe even in denial. Why do I need help, I’m 32? I should be healthy.

How is it that a few weeks ago I was bitching about going to some stupid Cancer Gala (I jokingly call it the Senior Citizen Prom) 🙂 the hospital was supporting, and now I am supposed to go… but as a Cancer patient myself?

It just reminds you that everyday is not a given. You are not guaranteed this life you think you deserve, but a life you are given and learn to be thankful for. The small things.

I got a call a bit ago and I am again filled with fear. 4:00 Thursday my surgeon want to see me. Now for all those who don’t know this routine…getting called into the office is usually not a good thing. Now, granted I have bandages, drains, tubes, etc. that need checked on…but I have some major results I’m still waiting on. Getting called in the office, especially a later appt. time is never good.

Growing up, when a customer… or boss… etc. would call my dad the first thing he’d always say is:

“Jen, they sure as hell aren’t calling to tell me what a great job I’m doing.”

The same applies to my situation.

Sinking in…

So, here I am sitting in bed thinking about all the different things people have, and will continue to do for me. I should be happy, but I’m not. I feel bad. I feel bad that because of me they’re going out of their way to buy flowers to send cards to make meals, to help with my kids and just help me out in general. I know that they want to do all this for me, but it still makes me feel a bit guilty.

How in the world am I going to make it up to everybody? How can I ever tell them thank you enough times? I have always been a pretty self-sufficient person that can do most things on my own. And if I can’t…I will sure as hell try. But cancer, cancer is something that I can’t do all by myself and I’m just now realizing it. Will I miss things? Yes, I am sick and can’t do everything I did before. Does that make me sad? Yes.

Cancer affects me, my kids, my husband, my family, my church, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors and everybody inbetween.

I wish this would all just go away. But, as I sit here with this cold icepack lying on my flat chest I realize I am way past wishes.

Thank you to everyone who will be a part of my journey…I love you all.

First night at home… bad at night

well 4:30 am I woke in agony:( pain meds had run out while sleeping…. damn damn damn

someone missed me

Sophie snuggled up and fell asleep with me:)

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Who’s sick?

This is what I came home from the hospital to. So very kind and sweet and thoughtful…but it really does make me realize how sick I am. I do have cancer, and I just can’t hide that fact anymore.

My chemo starts in 3 weeks and I have a lot going through my brain. When chemo starts I can’t go anywhere where there are crowds, or people, or where I’d have a chance to get sick. Seems like a sad place to be. I need to make the most out of this time.

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