Monthly Archives: May 2013
Here are some photos from today:) Deann made these great shirts and also surprised me at the clinic with the girls. They were holding signs and balloons and it was the sweetest thing:) 🙂 My mom and dad also sent me beautiful flowers. A sweet lady named April left me some treats and a lovely card, and an amazing family friend Michelle stopped by with huge bag filled with tons of goodies and gift cards! My nurse navigator Carol (who I adore:) and is one of my best friends stayed with me today too:) John also came by and went to my appt. with me. (so happy to see his face:)
I also got a graduation paper for finishing up chemo!
I am so lucky to have wonderful people around me:)
So here we are…. months and months and months and months of chemo and it is finally coming to an end. How do I feel you ask?? Not sure. I am feeling so many things at once and not exactly sure why. I am so happy and grateful to the ones who stuck by me and showed support, and also sad and disappointed at the ones who didn’t. I’m scared that this isn’t the last I’ll see of chemo, and one day it’ll come back. I’m happy because my hair will finally grow back and I’ll get to leave the house without a wig or hat. I’m sad that my mom won’t visit as much because I won’t need the help I use to. I’m excited to get back out in the world and enjoy things I couldn’t before. I fear I won’t recover fast enough and people will expect things from me right away that just won’t be possible. I worry that this last treatment will push my body to it’s limits and my remaining strands of hair will vanish. I’m excited and can’t wait to take my girls places and really enjoy time just them and I.
So, my mind is frazzled. Many thoughts…all over the place.
This week I saw a video on Facebook of 2 men who were zapped with electricity to mimic what childbirth feels like. I remember so many times where I tried to (and probably most women;) explain what exactly giving birth feels like. I’m not sure the video was exactly correct, but it didn’t stop me from watching and giggling through it. It’s horribly painful, yet someone who made the video felt the need to try and reenact it so others could “feel their pain.”
I would never in a million years wish what I’ve been through on anyone. But, I also feel like unless you’ve been through it, you’ll never completely understand. Have I earned a “pass?” Can I be bitter, or angry, or upset… and just get a “free pass” for awhile? Do I deserve that? I think I just might.
This blog has been a major learning experience for me. Would I do it again? Not sure. Because, just like a diary that you’re afraid someone wilI find… I haven’t always said what I wanted to say. Some days I want to go off and rant, and I’ve held back. I want to use peoples names, but then again have them never know it was me writing about them. I want to curse and yell and tell stories about what people have said to me… and how bad it hurt me…but then again don’t. So, this has been a learning experience. In my heart I know I have done a good thing. I brought breast cancer in young women to the forefront. I exposed cancer for the demon it is, and showed how quickly it can destroy everything you worked so hard to build. I also think I showed the truth about vanity and what it really is.
I’m absolutely without a doubt a different person than I was 5 months ago. I feel like my eyes are wide and bright and my ears are open. I will love more and live more because of cancer. Period.
So, later on I will blog more. But… I wanted to take a minute to let everyone know that my LAST chemo treatment is tomorrow!!!! Yeah!
My body is wore out, and I feel like I am still recovering from my last treatment 2 weeks ago. My doctor told me this was normal and the body can only take so much punishment before it gets tired.
I have a range of emotions right now that I will save for later;) Overall I have felt so much love, and that is most important. It won’t be easy to not be scared, but I am going to try my best not to be. I wasted so much time these last 5 months with my surgery and chemo, I don’t want to waste anymore. I still have more surgeries to go, but I’ll take it one day at a time like I always have.
I wish it was all just over and I didn’t have 1 left. Today when I looked in the mirror I noticed my eyelashes and now eyebrows are mostly gone. 😦 Sometimes I worry it will takes months…maybe even years to make up for the damage I’ve done to my body. But all that comes with the outcome of one day being Cancer Free, and that’s my focus. To raise my babies and see them grow, and make it to 20, 30, 40, 50, 60+ years married to my husband. That was my only goal… to live, and not miss anything. The rest I knew I could handle, or try my hardest too.
So that is it for now. I feel better today and need to get some stuff done:)
Wow, over 17,000 hits on my site! wow! What a fantastic compliment…thank you to everyone who takes time to
stop by and read it:)
Tonight was a good night. It really made feel that my blog was worthy and a great thing I’m doing. John had an awards banquet for the hospital. He wanted me to go with him, and I was so happy I felt good and could go!
I had such great feedback. All night I had people come up to me and say they follow my blog. Also they thought I was doing an amazing thing, and how proud they were of me for putting myself out there. Some of them I knew…some I sort of knew…and some
I didn’t know at all. But… it felt AMAZING!
Just little ol’ me with a little ol’ website has come so far….and I am
proud of myself:) These were my husbands peers and co-workers and they were complimenting me. It felt good:) I really am trying to tell my story the best way I know how…but also
promote womens health and do good things. It’s pretty empowering to change another persons life….even if it is in the tiniest way.
Overall it was a good night. Just spending time with my husband was reward enough, but the rest was the cherry on top:)
And…. lots of people thought I had my own hair and I wasn’t wearing a wig.
Many were actually really shocked and surprised that I was bald under my hair:)
Oh and the countdown till my last chemo continues! Yeah:)
I’d like to say “one week left.” But that’s not really true. The pain after last about a week or so… sometimes longer.
Regardless I ticked the time down and X’d off the calendar… and next Wednesday the 29th is my LAST official chemo. Sounds almost too good to be true…. but it is:)
I have a million things going through my brain, but I’m not going to let that cloud up my happiness.
This is happening. I have changed. I have learned. I am a different person. I know that this was meant to happen to me to learn lessons. Learn who is important in my life, and also help
others along the way.
For those family, or friends who text or call everyday to check on me, I will forever love you. You all showed me what love was all about. I’m sad that other family or friends did not, but I’m not going to let that spoil my happiness. I will NEVER FORGET WHO WAS THERE FOR ME. Thank you:)
What does all this babble boil down to? I had cancer at a young age with a young family. I was so scared and needed help and support on a daily basis. Some stepped up…
and for those
I love you so much:) truly!
Well, when the doc says you will get nerve and joint pain in all your big/major joints… he wasn’t lying. Today it’s my hip and is almost unbearable. I can’t walk, and can barely even move. 😦
I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I am wearing out. I feel like I have been in chemo forever and it just won’t end. This is no sprint, it’s a marathon….and this runner is tired:(
As I sit here in bed all I am thinking about is my girls last day of school tomorrow. How I will soon be the mother to a Kindergartener and a 5th grader! How in the world did that happen?? Well, it’s making me think of summer break and how important it is to me this year.
It’s hard to make others understand this, but I lost something this year that meant more to me than my breasts.. surgeries ..hair…scars… and chemo.
I lost time.
Time is something I can’t get back. More than anything I want to go back and have a re-do of all the weekends my kids were off school and I was too sick to play with them. Gymnastics… Taekwondo… Dinners…Shopping… Church…Traveling. I can’t remember the last time I went grocery shopping with my girls…or went to Kmart and had them nag me for a toy;) I realize none of these things seem all that important, but for me they are. I was robbed of time with my family, and this summer when I’m back on my feet, I want to make up for it.
I’m not saying they will be in the form of big grand gestures…because we just can’t afford that. But, it will be traveling to see my parents, picking up Mark, parks, museums, and just being together. As much as possible. They will each do 1 camp or so like normal this summer, but that’s about it. I want time with them, and don’t think anyone will wonder why.
Since they were born I always hated leaving them. I guess it’s just the obsessive mother in me;) They maybe have spent the night without me a handful of time their whole lives.
Now that I have cancer it’s made me know that I always made the right choices. So, John and I never got a week, or two, or a month alone without the kids. But we got a day or two here or there…and that was just fine by us. He knows how much I love them and want to be with them, and I know he wants the same. Now looking back, I see just how fragile life is. Nothing is a guarantee… and I don’t want to waste a second of it.
This summer is about me healing, making new memories…and re-claiming what I lost. I don’t know many people who were 9 & 4 years old when their mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have zero clue what that must have felt like for them. It makes me sad. It actually breaks my heart. They say you never know someone till you walk a mile in their shoes… how true that is. I know my journey was hard.. but my families was hard too.
I will end this post by saying on January 16th when I was told I had cancer THE ONLY thing that was on my mind was I wanted more time with my husband and kids. That what I had with them was not enough…and I needed more. Please God, Please Please tell me I can beat this. I can survive. Take my breasts… take my hair… I’ll take the pain and the tears.. and the agony of it all if YOU will just say I will make it.
So this summer is going to be a great one:) I know it! I hope everyone understands and supports us, because we need this… we deserve this.
Exactly 5 months ago today I had a biopsy done on the lump in my breast. I found it during a self-exam and figured I better get it checked out to be safe. The little research I did showed 80% of all biopsies are negative for cancer and the biopsy test itself is about 97% accurate. Well, I need to stay away from the casinos!
The biopsy actually came back negative for cancer. I remember that moment ever so clearly when I told John and my parents I did not have cancer. It was the first time I ever heard my dad cry. I could be upset that it was not accurate, but I choose not to. I actually thank my lucky stars that we have wonderful doctors here and they thought I needed further testing to check again. Looking back I have to admit I was pissed;) I just had a needle jabbed into my boob, and now they have the nerve to say I need surgery for a lumpectomy? But…… that decision saved my life.
It has been a crazy 5 months. The double mastectomy was no walk in the park…and neither has 4 months of chemo. I am physically and mentally exhausted. BUT…. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels oh so good:) I didn’t think at 32, with 2 young kids and a husband I could handle all this… but I did. With the help of many, many people I think am doing a pretty damn good job! I love my life, my family and my friends… and this girl isn’t going to give up easily. I will beat cancer, and hopefully help other women in the process:)