Taking it from the top

So, tomorrow is Easter and I am excited to be going to church for the first time since starting chemo. Rule of thumb is to stay away from crowds…. but it’s Easter, and I’m going 🙂

I’m trying not to think of the new lump I found under my arm…but it’s hard. I just want to go to my appt Monday and hear him say everything is okay. This is such a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I think in a positive way that I am almost half done with chemo…and other days I am super negative and only fill my brain with bad thoughts. I guess it’s all part of the journey.

Well, tomorrow is Easter and I am going to try my best to be a “glass is half full” kind of a gal 😉 Wish me luck. I want to enjoy the day and celebrate it with friends and family.

What I have learned through all this is nothing in life is a guarantee. Not a
single moment…not a single day… not even a single breath. So, I will do my best to live by this…at least for tomorrow:)

So, today while taking a bath I feel a small lump under my armpit. This is where some lymph nodes were taken out, and pray to God it just has something to do with that. Down deep I am scared out of my mind. I can’t think or focus on anything else.

Is this my new reality? Even if it is nothing…is this my life? Poking and prodding…checking for lumps and bumps everyday. Is this anyway to live? It’s not.

I’d love to go on a “Why Me” rant about now, but I’ll hold off. It is just so frustrating:(

Well, I am back home:) Glad to be back home, but had a great time getting away for a few days. I always have fun at my parents house, and I can sure get use to my dad taking care of me. He bends over backwards to get me stuff and make sure I’m good… and a girl can get use to that 🙂

Now, I am back home and back to reality. My mom is with me for a few days as my white blood cells are on their way back down. She has to stay to help with the girls because when my white blood cells go down I have a hard time doing a lot of stuff…but mainly taking care of the kids. I’m lucky she is so nice to do everything she has:) I would be lost without her here. Love you mom:)

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for my weekly blood work. This is usually the time when Doc says “Jen your white count is down, don’t go anywhere.” 😉 And I do exactly what he says and stay home. This weekend is Easter and I have every intention of going to church for the first time since chemo started. I miss my family there, and it will be good to see them.
Hopefully I will feel good and I can go because I am looking forward to it. I also get to wear my wig for the first time….should be interesting;)

Overall I feel okay. Still nervous about the tumor marker going up and trying not to think about it. I just want all this over with as soon as possible and don’t want anything to stand in my way. I’m feeling the effects of chemo and it’s starting to take a tole on me emotionally and physically. My skin is darkening up and blotching in spots and no one is sure why. It bugs me, and is just another reason I can’t wait for chemo to be over! I feel like it never will 😦 I’m glad to be back home and see John and get back to a routine. The kids are on Spring Break and it will be nice to see them and hopefully they won’t drive me crazy;) lol

On a side note, I’ve been dealing with my baldness better. My mom and dads was a real eye opener. They have all mirrored bedroom doors and it seemed like every time I turned around I was looking at my big bald head in a mirror. I feel better being home and having just the one mirror with doors. It took a few days at my parents to get use to myself… but I eventually did.

Enjoy photos of the snow at my parents house (14 inches of snow) and some pics of the effects of chemo. 😦

For some reason my mind has been all over the place. This is the first time I have visited my parents since starting chemo. I thought it would be loads of fun, and for the most part it has. What I wasn’t ready to deal with was the change in environment. All the mirrors , white bedding…and so on. While typing this I am disgusted with myself and what I see….a white pillowcase covered in my hair. Maybe at home the same hair is there, but my lights are more dim…maybe the floral pattern is distracting on my pillow cases…. whatever “it” is… I can tell I’m more sensitive here.

Today when I was out with my dad I told him I was hot and my head was sweaty. I was wearing a hat like usual. But in public I reached for my hat, took it off for a brief second…and put it back on. As the tears rolled down my cheek I realized even in St.Louis I can’t run from my problems. I have cancer…. no matter where I am. So that’s making me more emotional. I know this is all probably very normal, but it doesn’t feel good.

Tomorrow I am taking my girls to Disney on Ice. I pray the weather holds out and they have a great time. John was supposed to go, but the snow is making it a pain… so my dad said he would take us and drive.(thanks dad)
I didn’t want John to deal with the weather and wanted him to stay home and have some r&r. He deserves it. Love you babe:)

not sure what is up with me, but I am much more emotional today. I think it has to do with all the testing and still my worry over the tumor marker going up. I have cried non-stop. Sometimes it’s a sad cry….sometimes it’s a just because cry.

What it boils down too is everyday brings new feeelings and emotions and today I had all of them. I am very sore from my shot (makes all your joints and bones hurt) and that’t not helping. I’m also in St. Louis and miss John.

Hopefully tomorrow is a new day with a new perspective. Today I had a pity party and a why me??? moment. I hope tomorrow is different. I’ve said before that once you are diagnosed with cancer your whole world stops. Today, that’s how I felt.

But, by the gift of God I will wake up tomorrow and try to do/be better. I promise. 🙂

Well the internal pelvic ultrasound was no fun at all… but the results came back fast that they didn’t see anything to worry about. 🙂 yeah

My tumor marker also came back and was okay at best. It went from a 33 to a 32. I was praying it would go back down to 23:( oh well. He said he didn’t want to do any further tests…. so I’ll let it be.

I’m on my way to St Louis now. This is first time I have left since chemo started. John is meeting us tomorrow and Sunday we see Disney On Ice. Should be fun, and get my mind off of things

Thanks for the Prayers:)

waiting for my ultrasound on my ovaries…. fingers crossed it was nothing. I want a fun weekend, with no more worries. prayers

Well today was okay at best. I felt pretty crappy all day from the chemo. I went in for my day after shot (rebuilds white blood cells) and also had an appt. for a check up with my surgeon.

My surgeon suggested that I get a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow to check my ovaries. When I had a PET scan way back after being diagnosed, they noticed a small spot on one ovary. At the time we wern’t going to worry about it, but it’s best to check it out and make sure it’s not cancer or anything else. Prayers needed.

I also wait to hear back about my tumor marker. I pray and pray the number goes down, and it was just the infection that made it spike up. I told the nurses I will never again ask, because I don’t want to know. If the numbers truly do fluctuate , I can’t handle that. I’m too much of a worrier.

Overall, I need a good nights sleep and some good news tomorrow:)

Prayers Please

Just some fun photos I like 🙂 the girls & Peanut

Well chemo #3 is over. It went well but I found out my tumor marker number went up (from 23 to 33) can be nothing (blood was taken during my bladder infection ) or that the cancer is spreading. one of the two. So, prayers needed. Trying to stay positive, but it’s not easy. There was also a spot on one ovary during my PET scan, so getting a pap Monday to check that all is well.

getting ready for chemo. #3 and reading the paper:)