Taking it from the top

Update: So, I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been having so many feelings running around in my head, I needed some time to sort through them. Some of them are a bit kooky, so bear with me;)

Overall I have felt pretty good. My nerve pain in my legs is enough to drive me nuts, but lets hope that gets better soon. My fingers and toes are still numb from chemo, but I’m slowly getting use to it.

After my pet scan came back clear a huge rush of relief came over me. It was every feeling I had ever felt all swooping in at once. I was so over-joyed to be cancer free, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started with a yummy margarita… and even got a tattoo to celebrate….but, was I hiding something?

So, if I truly am cancer free, how quickly can I move past this and never say the “c” word again? When would it be likely that my life would go back to the way it was before… or would that ever happen? My paperwork from the Doctors office states my last appt. is June of 2018. That seems like an eternity from now.

I have a retreat in September for young women with breast cancer that I can’t wait to go to. I have so many questions to ask. Most days I have no idea if my thoughts are “normal” or “far from normal.” I need to hear from others who have walked my path and hear how they came out the other end from it.

Lately I have even been thinking of destiny and what that entails….. and if I screwed with it? Did God have a plan for me and I just messed with it? Or was it my destiny to find my cancer early and spread the word to others to check themselves? As I remember back posting over 200 flyers around my hometown and even starting this blog. Was that my plan?

I did my self breast exams monthly since as far back as I can remember…..and then BAM … cancer. I found a lump in my breast 8 years before i even QUALIFIED for a mammogram. What? I’m only 32, this shouldn’t of even been on my radar. I think that’s why it was such a shock. So, was this all part of the plan? I guess I’ll never really know. What I do know for sure is that WE as women have to take charge of our bodies and take care of ourselves. We are nurturers by nature, but when it comes to our own Doctors appts. and so on, it seems to go on the back burner.

I will never fully know why this happened to me. Was I supposed to be a survivor or was I just extra pro-active… I have no clue.

My dad told me awhile back he had a dream where I was pregnant and it was a little boy. Was that dream my destiny to full fill and the Good Lord knew it?

I guess what I am babbling on about is maybe what I feel is guilt. I had cancer and get to live another day…and some do not. I’m afraid at my Retreat I’ll meet women and get to know them and then the unthinkable may happen…and they will lose there battle. How will I deal with that?

But then again how do I know my cancer is gone for good, and others will one day feel guilt for me?

My mind is all over the place thinking all kind of things. What I do know for sure is I am grateful for every minute I have on Earth. I do know how fragile life really is. Nothing is a guarantee for any of us, cancer or no cancer.

I have no idea what my future holds, but I have to believe in my heart I was left here for a reason.

Hug your family and your kids just a bit tighter tonight… for me:)

Here is a great video: http://youtu.be/ZYNOXRifXKQ

NO CANCER FOUND! The greatest feeling in the entire world was finding out the pet scan was clear and no cancer was found. I could cry forever I was so happy. All I did was hug my nurses and my Oncologist over and over again. Now it’s time to celebrate!

Almost everyday (including today at the bank;) I meet people that say they have visited my website. Many of them say that they saw my flyers up around town, or saw it in the newspaper. Every time I hear this I realize how far I’ve come. I took something that was so incredibly personal and stuck it out there on the internet for all to see. I posted over 220 flyers in Rolla alone that encouraged women to do their breast self-exams each month and visit my site for info. I am thankful for every person that visits my blog and learns a little about me, and maybe even a little about breast cancer. So, to anyone reading this…whether or not we have even ever met, Thank You. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me love and support:)

18,000 visitors since the end of January! wow!

This owl is a recent gift from an amazing nurse, and wonderful friend. She is a life long friend now who I love dearly:)

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Sorry this is a little late. I’m still recovering from the last chemo and haven’t felt too well. So, this appt. was really important to me. It was the last one that was setup for me for my treatment. I knew I’d still go in once a month or so, but this one was the last OFFICIAL appointment I had. I also wore my “I love My Oncologist” t-shirt and my doctor and nurses totally loved it. My doctor was smiling from ear to ear:)

So, I went with my mom and dad and my uncle Charlie came for support too. My mom, dad, and I went back to talk to my Oncologist and heard nothing but good news. He said he was proud of me and how far I’d come:) I know in my heart he believes, and so do I, that my cancer is indeed gone. But…. I asked for a Pet Scan. The pet scan will show if I have any cancer anywhere in my body. They inject you with dye and you pray to God that nothing shows up.

I remember in January how scared I was to get in that machine. I had just found a lump in my breast, and this big machine was about to tell me just how fast I found it. Did I catch it early on? Or had it been there for months? I was soon about to find out. I remeber laying in the machine reciting “The Serentity Prayer”over and over and over again in my head. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” I was so scared. I never was more scared in my whole life. This big piece of machinery was about to determine my destiny…. and here we are again. I will most likely be just as emotional the second time around. I just want a clean bill of health. I know this test I didn’t really even need to have…. but then again I don’t think I’ll have peace of mind till it’s done. So….we meet again. It is not scheduled yet, but will be soon.

I also found out at my appt. that my chemo port has to be flushed once a month…and I DO NOT WANT that to happen…ever again. It is so painful. So, after my pet scan I will schedule surgery to have it taken out.

Overall it was a good appointment, but there are still some unknowns. I just want to get past this pet scan and really truly start to put this behind me. Overall since chemo I have felt like total crap. My fingers, toes, and most of my feet are numb. I have been really sick to my stomach, and my nerve pain has never been worse. I just want to start feeling better…and hope it happens soon:(

Thank you again to everyone for all the support. I couldn’t do it without you:) Will update more as soon as I know!

So, I had my final chemo Wednesday and it is now Saturday night. Well, I feel like total crap. This is all very normal for me now, and lately it’s been taking almost 2 weeks to start feeling better after each chemo. This time I don’t feel the rush to “get better” like I normally do because I don’t have another treatment creeping up on me. Thank Goodness:)

I am getting nervous though. This Wednesday is my last “official” appointment with my Oncologist. He was out of town for my final treatment, so I will be glad to see him. I get blood work done and then….we talk. I have zero idea what he is going to say. I’m not sure if it’s a time to celebrate….a time to reflect….or a time to look into the future. I wish he would walk in the room, throw his papers in the air and say “it’s a miracle… you are cured.” But, I won’t be betting on that. My hope is he’ll use the word “Remission” and let me know how often I need to come back for check ups. I would be comfortable coming back every month or so…but not much more than that. I saw how fast my first lump grew, and never want to be in a position where I have let it go too long.

See that’s the weird thing about all this. I’m not really scared that it will come back. If it does I know there are medicines and treatments that can help fix it. I’m most scared that whatever it is….I won’t catch it in time like I did before. If I hadn’t done my self-exam, and we conceived a baby like we were trying to do…I don’t even want to think of the pickle we would be in. So, I guess I am scared after all. But who with cancer isn’t a little bit scared it will come back?

Now onto some great news I found out this week. 🙂 Through a new friend that was introduced to me over Facebook who had breast cancer, I learned about Women Rock For A Cure. It is a non profit that does a bunch of wonderful things. One great thing is something called Young Survivors Retreat. It is a 4 day retreat in Nashville for women diagnosed with breast cancer under 40 years of age. They do this mainly because only 5% of breast cancer patients are under the age of 40. I was 32. So, they pick 20 or so women and give them an all expense paid trip to Nashville to this retreat. Well the day we were to submit our application and essay I had chemo. And this chemo was a bad one! It was over 6 hours long and I kept trying to fill out the info on my iphone..but I just didn’t have the energy. Later that night I sat in the office all ready to get my essay going to then find out they had closed it because of so many applicants! I sat at the computer crying my eyes out. I emailed them, and sent them a Facebook message explaining everything and to please atleast give me a chance to apply. Well, the next day I was told I was able to email my info and it would be submitted for me.
Well, Friday morning I got an email saying I was chosen to go! Yeah! I have already been in contact with a few other ladies going. When we message each other our stories all sound so much alike it’s scary. I can’t wait to go and learn about all these women.

Anyhow, my legs are throbbing from nerve pain and I need to take a bath… so I will end it here. Like everyday, there are ups and there are downs. This is no different after you are diagnosed with cancer. Each and every day is a gift from God….and I’m not going to waste a single one… cancer or no cancer.

Attached is a picture of a shirt I’ll wear to my appointment on Wednesday. I have really made a connection with my Oncologist and his staff. They were there at my lowest of low’s, and want to be there to celebrate my highest of high’s. He promised to “get me through this.” and indeed he did. That atleast deserves a shirt 😉