Monthly Archives: April 2013

over 15,000 views!

Wow! As of today over 15,000 views to my blog. I think that is so amazing! Thank you to everyone who is following my journey and with me every step of the way. It means so much to me:) Overall I am feeling okay and ready to get my next chemo over with. After that I will only have 2 to go! yiippee Let’s hope everything stays on track and the Good Lord has mercy on me. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am reading to put a period…and move on 🙂

In sickness & in health

yesterday, an important day:)

Yesterday was a very important day for John and I. It won’t completely make sense to everyone, but it doesn’t have to. It makes sense to us.

Before I go into details I will take you back to January 16th. As John and I sat holding hands in the surgeons office we were about to hear news that would change our life forever. Every single detail in our life would change. We were scared, we were sad, we were worried. As tears rolled down our faces in the office we barely spoke. I’m not even sure what we would have said if we could speak. We just looked at each other, listened to the doctor and went home.

As the weeks set in the wheels were in motion. I was going through my own emotions of my impending future and what that entailed. What would happen to my body just to rid myself of cancer and start to rebuild my life…actually to rebuild OUR life. I was losing both breasts and all my hair….and that was just the start.

This year John and I will have been married for 11 years. It means something to both of us that we took our vows….and we meant it. But to be perfectly honest I know this is not what he signed up for so many years ago. His wife having cancer at 32? Is that something anyone can prepare for? The answer is no.

This long drawn out story brings me to yesterday 🙂 After I was diagnosed and the reality truly set in, I think John felt helpless. He looked at me each day falling apart. From surgery, to recovery, to chemo, to puking and crying and so on. It was a lot. It still is a lot. He mentioned to me that he wanted to get a tattoo. This really took me off guard. I have 2 tattoos that we’ll just say was a little rebellion and a little not 😉 John is not a “tattoo” kind of a person. He is all business. He wears suits, and ties, and has 3 college degrees…. not something I necessarily affiliate tattoos with. After a few months he seemed to still be talking about it. He knew what he wanted. My cross that I have on my back with a pink cancer ribbon wrapped around it, and three roses to represent the girls and I. I thought it was a great idea and couldn’t believe he really still wanted to go through with it. Well, yesterday he did just that:)

It turned out perfect and was exactly what he wanted. As he sat there for hours all I could do was look at him. A million things running through my brain, but most of all how much I loved him. I didn’t make him do this. I never even asked. This was something he wanted to do just for me. The devotion he had towards me was a kind of love I had never experienced. I know what true love is. I saw it first hand and had a front row seat. This man loves me and would do anything for me. It was a day I will forever remember and hold close to my heart.

still sore and raw here is the 1st photo:)

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Update :

So I went to the doctor yesterday and we talked about my last chemo and all the side effects from it. Unfortunately the numbing in my fingers, toes, and feet was not good. It usually doesn’t happen so fast after treatment, so the chemo drug needs to change. Next week is #6 of 8 treatments. We will change to a different drug that the side effects arn’t as bad. It usually is done every 3 weeks, but we will try every 2 and hope my body will hold up for the remaining treatments. If my blood count drops too low then we will have to go back to the drawing board. I am going to try and stay optimistic and not be negative.

Overall today I have had a lot of mixed feelings. I can see the finish line and it is such a good feeling. I am scared of reoccurance and think somedays I will live in fear for the rest of my life. As bad as I want all this to be over with, I also never want to deal with it again….ever. I’m not sure how realistic that really is. I’m only 32 and hope to have a long healthy life ahead of me. I just worry that the next time I won’t find the lump fast enough, or even worse I won’t find it at all. I guess once someone tells you that you have cancer nothing is really ever the same…I’m feeling that right now. On the flip side, I can’t help but feel overjoyed that with only 3 left this part of my journey is ending.

I have learned so much so far. I have learned who is important in my life, and who isn’t. This is the hardest thing I may deal with in my entire life and I needed to lean on others. I needed help, and couldn’t go through this alone. Some stepped up, and some didn’t. There are the ones that text me or call, or just make sure I’m doing okay and need anything. And the ones that I thought would text and check in on me…and they never did. I know now more than ever who is a true friend in my life, and who isn’t. When it comes to family, I feel like we have never been closer. My parents and my husband are my rock on a daily basis. My brothers and I became closer, my church family, and preschool family, my inlaws, and so on. This has been a very long process since January. Some have stuck around, and some haven’t. My heart is over joyed with the love I have felt. I could never thank everyone enough. 🙂

Update…

A very quick update to say I feel like crap and it’s not getting better. I am calling the doctor first thing in the morning. My fingertips, toes, and heels are totally numb. Which makes typing on my iphone very odd. I enjoyed being home with my family, but this was the hardest weekend yet. I can barely walk I am in so much pain. I’m not sure if it’s my joints, or my nerves, but no amount of Advil or pain meds is helping.

I want to be done with this so bad. I can see the finish line and I won’t allow anything to stand in my way….not even this pain.

My night ended good though. My husband sent me a very sweet text before bed. It may not sound like much, but it really showed me how much he cares for me and is sad I have to go through this. Just a few words in a text….but those words made the difference between going to bed sad, and going to bed feeling loved.

Night time update:

Still in a lot of pain. Can’t wait till Monday morning to call and make sure everything is okay. The numbness in my fingers and toes are killing me and the joint pain is just not letting up. Hopefully a good nights sleep will help.

A big thank you to my hubby for staying home and watching over me today:) This year marks 11 years of marriage and I wouldn’t want to spend my life with anyone else. He is my soul mate and God sent him to me to help me through this. xoxo

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New drug…new problems

I haven’t posted much because of the immense pain I have been in. It is like nothing I have ever felt before. My fingertips and toes and parts of my feet are numb most of the time….and it feels as though someone may have run over my legs and knees with their car. I guess after chemo your body is trying to reproduce healthy white blood cells and this happens in the joints. I can barely sit still, I feel like needles are constantly being jabbed into my feet…and to make it all worse??? I can barely sleep or stand…or even sit comfortably. So, to sum it all up it is hell.

My mom is gone today taking her conceal carry class. Although I’d like her here to baby me all day, I’m glad she is taking the class and learning some good info.

Sometimes I feel like she has given up the most to help me get through this. We’re not talking about a few hours here and there…. this is months and months and months long. Her here helping take the kids to and from school… dinner …cleaning etc. It’s a lot, and I am so grateful. My dad also had to give up his wife for a bit….and I know that must be hard too. When I was first diagnosed I remember getting info I may need on a nurse or caretaker….maybe even a part time nanny. How all the things I use to be able to do for my family, I wouldn’t be able to do much longer. You cannot battle this disease alone. Today is proof. I am totally useless. I can literally do nothing and that sucks:(

Such a long day:(

So, I went to the Bond Clinic to start chemo at 9am and left at 3:30pm. It was a very long hard day. This drug is much much stronger and goes in very slow…that’s why it takes so long. I was totally exhausted when I was done. I was already on no sleep from taking my steroids at 3am anyways… but mom and I kept busy by watching Netflix on my iPhone:) Overall it is one more down and that’s all I can think of… just 3 more!

I did talk to my Oncologist about the lump I found under my mastectomy scar and said he was a bit worried…which made me worried 😦 I told him I’d rather not get another biopsy because the last one was wrong ( 96% accurate my ass;) And he agreed. If it comes down to it when my
surgeon removes some excess skin after chemo, this bump can be removed and looked at then. Part of me wants to totally freak out… part of me doesn’t.

Overall it was one of the hardest days of my life. It was so much in the IV I just wanted it to be over with. I was also told today about some bills that had finally started rolling in, and that made me nervous too. They mentioned a payment plan and we may try that. I found out on paperwork one boob was over $5,000 (the one w/cancer, where the other one was only $1,500) Wow what a steal! 🙂 This $850 bill was the first to come in since everything started with the biopsy, mammogram, ultrasound, lumpectomy, double mastectomy, chemo, etc. So, not too bad overall.

Hopefully with all the steroids I can still get some sleep. Wish me luck;)

Thank you to my mom today who stuck by me all day no matter how boring it was. My very good friend Mary who took Sophie to play at her house all day and took her to gymnastics (where another good friend surprised her) She has become such a wonderful friend to me and really steppes up in my time
of need:( love you:) Also to my hubby who dragged home a basketball hoop that will probably take hours to put together, but made the girls happy:) He also took me for a late night run to DQ because I hadn’t eaten all day. Love you babe.

Here are videos of my mom and I. I take a short one before each chemo. Here are the first 5:
#5

#4

#3

#supposed to say #2
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#1

Taxol hell…

Today is going to be long and horrible. Someome please knock me into a coma till the day… slash that….2 months….is over 😦

big day tomorrow…

Just hit 14,000 views on my website! Yeah! Thank you everyone:)

So, tomorrow is a big day. It is chemo #5 of 8 and it feels sort of like a turning point. I change drugs to Taxol and that worries me. I need to take 5 steroids at 7pm and 3am before each treatment. I have no clue how I will be able to fall back to sleep after I wake up at 3am, gobble down 5 pills, and then try to go back to bed:( Oh well, I guess I’ll just wait and see. The drug takes much longer to go in and chemo itself will take around 4 hours tomorrow. I really wish I wasn’t changing chemo drugs. I have been thinking of it nonstop. I have no idea what to expect or the side effects. I just want to get it over with.

Today I felt totally rushed. This usually happens the day before chemo. I know that I won’t feel up to doing much after, so I try my best to run and do everything the day before. I even wanted to do some yard work today that got done. I have 2 small trees out front that the roots are popping up
some and wanted to put up some edging with mulch around them to protect. I couldn’t do it without mowing the grass …and then it all went down hill from there:) lol.

I also had Sophies Kindergarten registration today. I was somewhat worried because Sophie is only 4 years and 9 months old. She makes the cutoff by one week and I was afraid she wasn’t going to be ready. Well….she did amazing. She had great scores and they said she should most definitely go. Two of the women who went over her scores also had cancer at one time and they were very understanding. I told them I was trying my best to practice with her and prep her…but it’s been a little crazy. They totally understood and said she was doing great and I should be proud:) They also said NOT to send her to any of the pre-k summer camps or any camps and just spend time with her and Kaylee this summer. I couldn’t agree more:-)

Overall the chores got done and I feel like I got all my errands done….now I just sit and wait for tomorrow 😦

lots of thoughts

Well tonight I have many many things running through my head . I think the realization of the BRCA coming back positive is really starting to set in. No one wants to know they have a genetic mutism that they could have passed on to their children or future children. I feel terrible about it. I feel like everyone gets screwed…and not just me. I may be messed up, but what right do I have to pass it onto to others? What right do I have to marry someone and have children with them…and they not know? The truth is it’s not fair for anyone…but sadly it’s reality.

So somehow someway I need to make sense of this senseless thing and move on. I guess knowledge is power and that’s a good thing right??? It’s better to know….than not know….right?

I have no clue really how to feel. I could shed a million tears over how this could impact my girls. That because of me…and this…they too have an 84% chance of getting breast cancer. But, on the other hand I am happy that they will be continually monitored and not have to wait the normal “40 years of age for a mammogram.” Because of this and I helping them? or hindering them? The truth is I bet it’s a little of both. How can a glass be both half full and half empty?

So tonight as I go to shut my eyes I will say I don’t know how to feel just yet. Every minute brings a new emotion and that’s just the facts.

I throw my hands up to God and say “I don’t have all the answers.. I don’t know why… I can’t explain everything… but YOU do and YOU can.” I have to live with the fact that sometime there is no rhyme or reason…there just “is.”

Good Night my friends 🙂 xoxo

ps- this is how Sophie fell asleep tonight. I told her a story about how she use to crawl into my arms and I would gently brush her hair until she fell asleep as I sang her lullabies. I did just that, and she fell fast asleep. Just a reassurance that I didn’t want to think of anything else in that moment. Just live in it, and absorb every second:)

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