Like I’ve said before this is a roller coaster There are ups and there are downs. I had a fun weekend in St. Louis and never wanted it to end. It was amazing. What wasn’t amazing was the feeling I’ve had the last day or so that I don’t want to leave St.Louis. The moment I leave St. Louis, is the moment chemo and reality starts for me in Rolla.

Before heading home I promised my mom I’d take her shooting with her new gun to try. We had a blast! We laughed, we chatted, and without the kids screaming it was a bit of relaxation. She is a good shot, so criminals be aware. That was until the phone call….

I get a call from the place I will have chemo. She wanted to talk to me and remind me of the fact that chemo could put my body into menopause at 32. They knew we were trying for a baby before and needed to remind me of the risks that go with chemo. I did have a bit of time to put off chemo and try to harvest some eggs if we wanted. I am pretty sure unless I intend on winning the lottery anytime soon harvesting eggs, surrogates , etc. Is just not in the cards for us.

We decide to leave it in the Lords hands and hopefully when all is said and done we may still be able to have our baby after all. But, unless a miracle happens it will be quite unlikely.

Some days I want to hide in a hole so deep no one will ever find me. In one hand I have a great family and am the luckiest girl in the world… on the other hand I don’t know how much more I can take. My heart stops a beat every time the phone rings, and most days I hate my life and how it’s affected everyone around me.

I don’t want breast cancer. I don’t want my kids to be affected, I don’t want my parents to be affected, I don’t want my husband to be affected… my kids, johns parents.. family etc. I just want it all to go away. I don’t want to be a hassle, I don’t want anyone going broke because of me. I just want to disappear, and make everything go back to how it was.

What a total mess this is. I should write a book called “How Cancer will totally Fu** Up your entire Life”

I bet it will be a best seller 🙂

Just was reminded by John to end with something positive: I’m happy my dad took me to Target to shop and relax… and now play a Larry the Lobster slot machine 🙂