Today was a big turning point for me. For the first time since I was diagnosed I felt like me again. The real me, not the newer sicker me. It was WONDERFUL! I still had a few moments of tears today, but overall I was optimistic. That is something I haven’t seen in awhile.
See cancer is a crazy thing. It can make your mind take you to your lowest low…and your highest high. All in a split second. My morning was mostly spent complaining that I can’t leave the house at all. I woke up pissed, and felt I’d probably be that way the rest of the day. Now, this is where things get interesting…. Then all the sudden as I cleaned the house, and did chores I was allowing my brain to finally focus on something else. It worked! I wasn’t thinking about chemo in a few days, or anything really. It was great 🙂
Later in the day is when I started showing signs of optimism. I was looking at John and I said “Hey guess what, after this week I only have 6 chemo treatments left.” Where the hell did that come from???? I have no idea. I decided to see my glass half full instead of half empty and that hasn’t happened in a really long time. It felt good:)
I also gave my husband 2 or 3 amazing hugs tonight. It was everything I could have ever wanted or needed. At first I did think about my breasts not being there, and then all the sudden I realize it only means I could hold him closer 🙂
I realize that sometimes my mind is all over the place. Cancer can bring out so many emotions and actions you’d never dream about. You can be everything from mad, to pissed, to angry, to hurt, to sad, to grateful, to loving, to happy, to peacful. Every single spectrum of emotion. But, the funniest part is…. it’s okay to be any, all, or some of those things. No one will judge you when you have cancer and feel those feelings. Maybe even some sort of rite of passage:) So, who knows what tomorrow brings, but today was alright in my book. Chat more tomorrow:)
Here is a photo taken the night I was diagnosed. I was so scared. I feel like I have come along way since January 16th at 5:15pm 🙂