Somethings you can’t get back…

As I sit here in bed all I am thinking about is my girls last day of school tomorrow. How I will soon be the mother to a Kindergartener and a 5th grader! How in the world did that happen?? Well, it’s making me think of summer break and how important it is to me this year.

It’s hard to make others understand this, but I lost something this year that meant more to me than my breasts.. surgeries…scars… and chemo.

I lost time.

Time is something I can’t get back. More than anything I want to go back and have a re-do of all the weekends my kids were off school and I was too sick to play with them. Gymnastics… Taekwondo… Dinners…Shopping… Church…Traveling. I can’t remember the last time I went grocery shopping with my girls…or went to Kmart and had them nag me for a toy;) I realize none of these things seem all that important, but for me they are. I was robbed of time with my family, and this summer when I’m back on my feet, I want to make up for it.

I’m not saying they will be in the form of big grand gestures…because we just can’t afford that. But, it will be traveling to see my parents, picking up Mark, parks, museums, and just being together. As much as possible. They will each do 1 camp or so like normal this summer, but that’s about it. I want time with them, and don’t think anyone will wonder why.

Since they were born I always hated leaving them. I guess it’s just the obsessive mother in me;) They maybe have spent the night without me a handful of time their whole lives.
Now that I have cancer it’s made me know that I always made the right choices. So, John and I never got a week, or two, or a month alone without the kids. But we got a day or two here or there…and that was just fine by us. He knows how much I love them and want to be with them, and I know he wants the same. Now looking back, I see just how fragile life is. Nothing is a guarantee… and I don’t want to waste a second of it.

This summer is about me healing, making new memories…and re-claiming what I lost. I don’t know many people who were 9 & 4 years old when their mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have zero clue what that must have felt like for them. It makes me sad. It actually breaks my heart. They say you never know someone till you walk a mile in their shoes… how true that is. I know my journey was hard.. but my families was hard too.

I will end this post by saying on January 16th when I was told I had cancer THE ONLY thing that was on my mind was I wanted more time with my husband and kids. That what I had with them was not enough…and I needed more. Please God, Please Please tell me I can beat this. I can survive. Take my breasts… take my hair… I’ll take the pain and the tears.. and the agony of it all if YOU will just say I will make it.

So this summer is going to be a great one:) I know it! I hope everyone understands and supports us, because we need this… we deserve this.


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