The night before….

So here we are…. months and months and months and months of chemo and it is finally coming to an end. How do I feel you ask?? Not sure. I am feeling so many things at once and not exactly sure why. I am so happy and grateful to the ones who stuck by me and showed support, and also sad and disappointed at the ones who didn’t. I’m scared that this isn’t the last I’ll see of chemo, and one day it’ll come back. I’m happy because my hair will finally grow back and I’ll get to leave the house without a wig or hat. I’m sad that my mom won’t visit as much because I won’t need the help I use to. I’m excited to get back out in the world and enjoy things I couldn’t before. I fear I won’t recover fast enough and people will expect things from me right away that just won’t be possible. I worry that this last treatment will push my body to it’s limits and my remaining strands of hair will vanish. I’m excited and can’t wait to take my girls places and really enjoy time just them and I.

So, my mind is frazzled. Many thoughts…all over the place.

This week I saw a video on Facebook of 2 men who were zapped with electricity to mimic what childbirth feels like. I remember so many times where I tried to (and probably most women;) explain what exactly giving birth feels like. I’m not sure the video was exactly correct, but it didn’t stop me from watching and giggling through it. It’s horribly painful, yet someone who made the video felt the need to try and reenact it so others could “feel their pain.”

I would never in a million years wish what I’ve been through on anyone. But, I also feel like unless you’ve been through it, you’ll never completely understand. Have I earned a “pass?” Can I be bitter, or angry, or upset… and just get a “free pass” for awhile? Do I deserve that? I think I just might.

This blog has been a major learning experience for me. Would I do it again? Not sure. Because, just like a diary that you’re afraid someone wilI find… I haven’t always said what I wanted to say. Some days I want to go off and rant, and I’ve held back. I want to use peoples names, but then again have them never know it was me writing about them. I want to curse and yell and tell stories about what people have said to me… and how bad it hurt me…but then again don’t. So, this has been a learning experience. In my heart I know I have done a good thing. I brought breast cancer in young women to the forefront. I exposed cancer for the demon it is, and showed how quickly it can destroy everything you worked so hard to build. I also think I showed the truth about vanity and what it really is.

I’m absolutely without a doubt a different person than I was 5 months ago. I feel like my eyes are wide and bright and my ears are open. I will love more and live more because of cancer. Period.


8 thoughts on “The night before….

  1. Judy Fox May 29, 2013 at 2:42 am Reply

    You’ve done good girl, I am proud of you. This blog was also a good thing, an eye opener for many of us. God Bless.

  2. April May 29, 2013 at 3:48 am Reply

    Thinking of you!!!

  3. Anita Lynch May 29, 2013 at 4:05 am Reply

    Amen sister…cancer sure has a way of changing us both good & bad…you have fought strong & hard. I know your family is proud of you. Keep your head held high, keep smiling & keep trying! Love ya girl!

    • jenrd1012 May 29, 2013 at 3:40 pm Reply

      Thank you for all the support Anita:) love you too

  4. Barbara Thomas May 29, 2013 at 3:32 pm Reply

    You are an inspiration to everyone, even those who have never had cancer! You are a good person.

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