Update: So, I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been having so many feelings running around in my head, I needed some time to sort through them. Some of them are a bit kooky, so bear with me;)
Overall I have felt pretty good. My nerve pain in my legs is enough to drive me nuts, but lets hope that gets better soon. My fingers and toes are still numb from chemo, but I’m slowly getting use to it.
After my pet scan came back clear a huge rush of relief came over me. It was every feeling I had ever felt all swooping in at once. I was so over-joyed to be cancer free, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started with a yummy margarita… and even got a tattoo to celebrate….but, was I hiding something?
So, if I truly am cancer free, how quickly can I move past this and never say the “c” word again? When would it be likely that my life would go back to the way it was before… or would that ever happen? My paperwork from the Doctors office states my last appt. is June of 2018. That seems like an eternity from now.
I have a retreat in September for young women with breast cancer that I can’t wait to go to. I have so many questions to ask. Most days I have no idea if my thoughts are “normal” or “far from normal.” I need to hear from others who have walked my path and hear how they came out the other end from it.
Lately I have even been thinking of destiny and what that entails….. and if I screwed with it? Did God have a plan for me and I just messed with it? Or was it my destiny to find my cancer early and spread the word to others to check themselves? As I remember back posting over 200 flyers around my hometown and even starting this blog. Was that my plan?
I did my self breast exams monthly since as far back as I can remember…..and then BAM … cancer. I found a lump in my breast 8 years before i even QUALIFIED for a mammogram. What? I’m only 32, this shouldn’t of even been on my radar. I think that’s why it was such a shock. So, was this all part of the plan? I guess I’ll never really know. What I do know for sure is that WE as women have to take charge of our bodies and take care of ourselves. We are nurturers by nature, but when it comes to our own Doctors appts. and so on, it seems to go on the back burner.
I will never fully know why this happened to me. Was I supposed to be a survivor or was I just extra pro-active… I have no clue.
My dad told me awhile back he had a dream where I was pregnant and it was a little boy. Was that dream my destiny to full fill and the Good Lord knew it?
I guess what I am babbling on about is maybe what I feel is guilt. I had cancer and get to live another day…and some do not. I’m afraid at my Retreat I’ll meet women and get to know them and then the unthinkable may happen…and they will lose there battle. How will I deal with that?
But then again how do I know my cancer is gone for good, and others will one day feel guilt for me?
My mind is all over the place thinking all kind of things. What I do know for sure is I am grateful for every minute I have on Earth. I do know how fragile life really is. Nothing is a guarantee for any of us, cancer or no cancer.
I have no idea what my future holds, but I have to believe in my heart I was left here for a reason.
Hug your family and your kids just a bit tighter tonight… for me:)
Here is a great video: http://youtu.be/ZYNOXRifXKQ