Just some random thoughts….
So everyday, multiple times a day, my brain wants to take me to certain points in the past. Whether it was the day I got the news, the day of my surgery… or maybe even the day I cut off all my hair. I sit alone in my room and look at the photos on my phone. They are in chronological order, so it’s almost like a day by day of what was happening. I know this probably isn’t healthy, but I just can’t stop myself.
I’m not sure what I am even looking for. Do I just want to make myself sad? Do I want to torture myself by replaying these moments over and over again? Or….are these just moments in time that were part of my journey, and nothing to feel guilty about? I guess I don’t know the answer.
I wish there was a way to just wipe my brain clear of anything cancer related. It would make life so much easier. It really would. If I could just forget everything that has happened and just move on from this day forward. But is that what I truly want? Because it seems like I am always saying “I just want to be the old me again.” Maybe I’m not sure who I want to be. Is it the “old me” … or maybe even the “new better me?” Who the hell am I?
Whoever I am, I just need to keep working towards finding peace. Peace with everything that has happened, peace with myself and my looks, and peace with my life. I know in my heart I need to stop looking back. There is no way I can move on if I keep doing that. But then again this is me… these are photos of me….and my life… and I can’t hide from it. No matter how deep I bury these photos….they still exist.
Now, someone from the outside looking in would think that I mourn the loss of my breasts probably more than I do. Yes, I have awful scars and look disfigured… but, I swear most days I never even think about it. I don’t really think about that part of my body much, so it doesn’t really bother me. Now, somedays I may try on a old dress or top that now looks awful… but that doesn’t happen too often. I think my brain is too busy saying “those things just tried to kill you.” !!!!! So, I don’t go to a place of sadness, I go to a place of relief that I found it… and realize no, they didn’t kill me:) I won.
So, these are my random thoughts for the night. I’ll attach some of my favorite photos to look at. One is the day I found out and I had my mom take a picture at the kitchen table to remember… one is the day of my mastectomy and Sophie and I were sticking our tongues out…. and one of me the day I cut my hair. Oh… and one of Peanut just because it makes me laugh:) There are others, but these I go to the most for some reason. xoxo
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