Monthly Archives: July 2013

Surgery Update, and Mark Update

Well I’ve been having a pretty good time lately. Mark has been visiting and I’m trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Today we went to Maramec Springs, he spent time with John at the hospital, and we set off fireworks:) fun fun:) He is having such a good time, I’m sure going to miss him when he leaves:(

Update on surgery. Well, I met with my surgeon today and we set a date for July 15th. My chemo port will come out, my side breasts that were left after my mastectomy will be removed…. and thank the Lord TT is getting fixed! (please refer to earlier posts on what exactly a “TT” is;) haha. Let’s just say it’s a part of my body I wasn’t comfortable with and gave it this very funny nickname:) lol

I’m a little scared about the surgery, but hey who wouldn’t be. I remember a conversation I had with my dad after getting diagnosed, and starring down the barrel of a double mastectomy. He said “Jen, you need to start putting things in the rear view mirror.” and that motto has stuck ever since. So…. this is just another thing down and out of the way. But, down deep I’m still scared. It’s out patient, so that’s good….and he said my scars wouldn’t be too bad…also good. I just need to keep moving forward:) Here are some fun photos…my favorite is Mark wearing my wig! lol:) But also one of Mark standing infront of the Navy sign at a Veterans Park by my house. You can see in his face just how proud he is of his dad.

I’ve had a long night and am tired. Night all. xoxoxo

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More Flashbacks:)

Today I’m not sad. Just looking back at the journey I took. Flowers I had been given, my ICU room, my drains (sorry, gross) more pictures and some videos taken … and more. My focus is always moving forward….but also not forgetting my past:) xoxo

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Time to start looking forward….

Just some random thoughts….

So everyday, multiple times a day, my brain wants to take me to certain points in the past. Whether it was the day I got the news, the day of my surgery… or maybe even the day I cut off all my hair. I sit alone in my room and look at the photos on my phone. They are in chronological order, so it’s almost like a day by day of what was happening. I know this probably isn’t healthy, but I just can’t stop myself.

I’m not sure what I am even looking for. Do I just want to make myself sad? Do I want to torture myself by replaying these moments over and over again? Or….are these just moments in time that were part of my journey, and nothing to feel guilty about? I guess I don’t know the answer.

I wish there was a way to just wipe my brain clear of anything cancer related. It would make life so much easier. It really would. If I could just forget everything that has happened and just move on from this day forward. But is that what I truly want? Because it seems like I am always saying “I just want to be the old me again.” Maybe I’m not sure who I want to be. Is it the “old me” … or maybe even the “new better me?” Who the hell am I?

Whoever I am, I just need to keep working towards finding peace. Peace with everything that has happened, peace with myself and my looks, and peace with my life. I know in my heart I need to stop looking back. There is no way I can move on if I keep doing that. But then again this is me… these are photos of me….and my life… and I can’t hide from it. No matter how deep I bury these photos….they still exist.

Now, someone from the outside looking in would think that I mourn the loss of my breasts probably more than I do. Yes, I have awful scars and look disfigured… but, I swear most days I never even think about it. I don’t really think about that part of my body much, so it doesn’t really bother me. Now, somedays I may try on a old dress or top that now looks awful… but that doesn’t happen too often. I think my brain is too busy saying “those things just tried to kill you.” !!!!! So, I don’t go to a place of sadness, I go to a place of relief that I found it… and realize no, they didn’t kill me:) I won.

So, these are my random thoughts for the night. I’ll attach some of my favorite photos to look at. One is the day I found out and I had my mom take a picture at the kitchen table to remember… one is the day of my mastectomy and Sophie and I were sticking our tongues out…. and one of me the day I cut my hair. Oh… and one of Peanut just because it makes me laugh:) There are others, but these I go to the most for some reason. xoxo20130701-004046.jpg20130701-004112.jpg20130701-004222.jpg20130701-004315.jpg20130701-004323.jpg

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