Monthly Archives: July 2013

Quick Update.. it’s Midnight;)

Well, I am soaking my sore legs and thinking of my upcoming surgery. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Anytime you go under, you have a fear you won’t wake up. I know in my heart I have a great surgeon and hospital, and that would never happen. But, I still get scared.

This surgery is not nearly as scary as the last when I was losing both breasts and starring down the barrel of 4 months of chemo. I will be happy to see my port go bye bye! They will also remove my side breasts and fix my front a bit. Hopefully it won’t be too long of a surgery and I’ll be home in the afternoon.

One other quick bit I’m not happy about. Since chemo ended May 29th…. I have lost EVERY SINGLE eyelash and eyebrow hair!! Damnit! I was doing so good too. That last treatment must have put me over 😦

Enjoy some photos from Chicago!

Anyhow, better get to bed! xoxo

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Broken Heart

Well, I finally have a post that is not totally revolving around cancer. Yes, I have an upcoming surgery, so that’s on my mind….but right now all I can think about is Mark. And how I miss him terribly. I wish I could just kidnap him and keep him forever. I had so much fun with him the last two weeks. I spent as much time as possible with him, John spent time with him… and he even met some of my close friends. We had the best time and made great memories. I am so happy my girls were able to spend so much time with him. We all had a fantastic time:)
But……… I miss him.

What’s not to love? He is the kindest, sweetest, most gentle person I have ever met. He loves so much, and he isn’t afraid to show emotions. About 20 minutes before my dad picked him up I walked into my room and just saw him standing there looking down. I walked up to him and he raised his head and said “I’m going to miss you so much Jenny.” (he use to call me that when I was young:) And then he just starred at me with tears rolling down his cheeks. I couldn’t do anything but give him a huge hug and cry with him.

All weekend he called me “Gods little Angel.” I have no idea why, but I loved it everytime he said it. I love him like he was my child. I will protect him, stand up for him, cry with him, and do whatever he needs me to do. Without a doubt in my mind I would take care of him if I was asked. He means that much to me. As I have gotten older my relationship with him has changed. I feel like I need to protect him and watch after him. More than anything I just want to see him smile and be happy.

I couldn’t even begin to put into words how his world ended the day his mother passed away. Everything changed. She was his rock… and although she was sick for a very long time before…. when she died, a part of Mark died too. He didn’t just love his mother…. he absolutely adored her. When his dad passed many years before he knew it was his job to be the new Man of the House and take care of her. And, he did such a great job at that. The way he looked at her was an emotion I may never see again from someone. It was much more than love…it was Faith… it was Devotion… it was Appreciation… it was Admiration all wrapped into one.

These past few weeks my husband especially has shown Mark so much love. He went out of his way time and time again to tell Mark how much he loved him. One day he even took him to lunch with his dad and showed him off to people around the hospital. He loved that so much! He couldn’t stop talking about it:) John sent him home with a bag full of gifts from the hospital and Mark was grinning from ear to ear. John knows how much Mark means to me and that just reassured me that John is my soul mate. 11 years of marriage and he still makes me proud of him everyday. He is a great man who loves me and loves my family too.

Without a doubt my life is better because Mark has been a part of it. He has made me a better person. A better daughter… a better wife… and most of all a better mother. I know he will never read this, but one day my kids will and all the memories of Mark when they were children will come flooding in:)

In my next post I will go into detail on my amazing (yet exhausting;) trip to Chicago with my girls and John. We had time to reconnect as family ….. and it was amazing. Every surgery I went through and chemo appointment was worth it. This is my family, and I wouldn’t change it for the world!

Here are some of my favorite photos of Marks trip;) Also a beautiful sign a great friend of mine made to send home with Mark. (he loved it!) 20130711-232627.jpg

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Yippee over 19,000 views

Wow! Over 19,000 views since Jan 21st. Yeah! Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my story, and all the prayer:) xoxo

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Surgery Update, and Mark Update

Well I’ve been having a pretty good time lately. Mark has been visiting and I’m trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Today we went to Maramec Springs, he spent time with John at the hospital, and we set off fireworks:) fun fun:) He is having such a good time, I’m sure going to miss him when he leaves:(

Update on surgery. Well, I met with my surgeon today and we set a date for July 15th. My chemo port will come out, my side breasts that were left after my mastectomy will be removed…. and thank the Lord TT is getting fixed! (please refer to earlier posts on what exactly a “TT” is;) haha. Let’s just say it’s a part of my body I wasn’t comfortable with and gave it this very funny nickname:) lol

I’m a little scared about the surgery, but hey who wouldn’t be. I remember a conversation I had with my dad after getting diagnosed, and starring down the barrel of a double mastectomy. He said “Jen, you need to start putting things in the rear view mirror.” and that motto has stuck ever since. So…. this is just another thing down and out of the way. But, down deep I’m still scared. It’s out patient, so that’s good….and he said my scars wouldn’t be too bad…also good. I just need to keep moving forward:) Here are some fun photos…my favorite is Mark wearing my wig! lol:) But also one of Mark standing infront of the Navy sign at a Veterans Park by my house. You can see in his face just how proud he is of his dad.

I’ve had a long night and am tired. Night all. xoxoxo

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More Flashbacks:)

Today I’m not sad. Just looking back at the journey I took. Flowers I had been given, my ICU room, my drains (sorry, gross) more pictures and some videos taken … and more. My focus is always moving forward….but also not forgetting my past:) xoxo

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Time to start looking forward….

Just some random thoughts….

So everyday, multiple times a day, my brain wants to take me to certain points in the past. Whether it was the day I got the news, the day of my surgery… or maybe even the day I cut off all my hair. I sit alone in my room and look at the photos on my phone. They are in chronological order, so it’s almost like a day by day of what was happening. I know this probably isn’t healthy, but I just can’t stop myself.

I’m not sure what I am even looking for. Do I just want to make myself sad? Do I want to torture myself by replaying these moments over and over again? Or….are these just moments in time that were part of my journey, and nothing to feel guilty about? I guess I don’t know the answer.

I wish there was a way to just wipe my brain clear of anything cancer related. It would make life so much easier. It really would. If I could just forget everything that has happened and just move on from this day forward. But is that what I truly want? Because it seems like I am always saying “I just want to be the old me again.” Maybe I’m not sure who I want to be. Is it the “old me” … or maybe even the “new better me?” Who the hell am I?

Whoever I am, I just need to keep working towards finding peace. Peace with everything that has happened, peace with myself and my looks, and peace with my life. I know in my heart I need to stop looking back. There is no way I can move on if I keep doing that. But then again this is me… these are photos of me….and my life… and I can’t hide from it. No matter how deep I bury these photos….they still exist.

Now, someone from the outside looking in would think that I mourn the loss of my breasts probably more than I do. Yes, I have awful scars and look disfigured… but, I swear most days I never even think about it. I don’t really think about that part of my body much, so it doesn’t really bother me. Now, somedays I may try on a old dress or top that now looks awful… but that doesn’t happen too often. I think my brain is too busy saying “those things just tried to kill you.” !!!!! So, I don’t go to a place of sadness, I go to a place of relief that I found it… and realize no, they didn’t kill me:) I won.

So, these are my random thoughts for the night. I’ll attach some of my favorite photos to look at. One is the day I found out and I had my mom take a picture at the kitchen table to remember… one is the day of my mastectomy and Sophie and I were sticking our tongues out…. and one of me the day I cut my hair. Oh… and one of Peanut just because it makes me laugh:) There are others, but these I go to the most for some reason. xoxo20130701-004046.jpg20130701-004112.jpg20130701-004222.jpg20130701-004315.jpg20130701-004323.jpg

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