I have said it from the beginning, and I still say it now.
You see, even now as I sit here…months and months and months after finishing treatment…and it was so-called “coming to an end.” It’s not. It seems like it never will….and it makes me so angry. I thought I was making progress with a new drug I was taking….but then here is reality to smack me in the face. Yes, maybe it worked for a bit….but now it’s not and I’m having severe side effects. Terrible leg pain & numbness & my brain is all fuzzy…and it’s driving me nuts! My kids are saying I’m calling them by the wrong names, my words and sentences are not formulating like normal….and it seems as though it’s a page right out of Family Guy, and clearly I’ve had too many free McBurgertown Burgers…(sorry if you don’t get that…it’s a joke about Peter having a stroke)….I’ve never had my brain not function correctly….it’s actually quite scary. Imagine you want to tell a story. In your head you have formulated it all and have the story all planned out and how you will tell it…..then you open your mouth, and you can’t think of any of the right words and you don’t remember any of the sentences. Just a few minutes before it was all planned out, and now you can’t just repeat it…..frustrating.
I want to blab on for paragraphs on in about how frustrated I am…but I’ll spare everyone. I’m back to feeling like crap and I hate that. I want to just move on…and I’m not sure now if that will ever happen. This last medicine I’m on is my last option before trying anti-depressants and so on that I’m not comfortable with. So…..I just want it to work.
I’m hurt.I’m defeated. And I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that at 33 my body is acting like it’s 83. As I type in anger, it’s still ever present that I feel like a jerk for even complaining. Each night I close my eyes and pray to God that I will be given another day on this Earth. But on that same token, I want to enjoy my life and have peace within it. I want to play with my kids without fear I’ll break another bone….I want to hold hands with my 5 year old and not have fear I’ll fall and hurt her… I want to rewind time and get moments back that I am missing… I want to just to scream at the top of my lungs I am angry….that I hate cancer and everything it has done. No one should go through this…
So, above all I will do what I do. Wake up tomorrow put on my Cancer Sucks t shirt and release some anger…and at the same time spread awareness. Cancer does Suck….period.