Taking it from the top

Like I’ve said before this is a roller coaster There are ups and there are downs. I had a fun weekend in St. Louis and never wanted it to end. It was amazing. What wasn’t amazing was the feeling I’ve had the last day or so that I don’t want to leave St.Louis. The moment I leave St. Louis, is the moment chemo and reality starts for me in Rolla.

Before heading home I promised my mom I’d take her shooting with her new gun to try. We had a blast! We laughed, we chatted, and without the kids screaming it was a bit of relaxation. She is a good shot, so criminals be aware. That was until the phone call….

I get a call from the place I will have chemo. She wanted to talk to me and remind me of the fact that chemo could put my body into menopause at 32. They knew we were trying for a baby before and needed to remind me of the risks that go with chemo. I did have a bit of time to put off chemo and try to harvest some eggs if we wanted. I am pretty sure unless I intend on winning the lottery anytime soon harvesting eggs, surrogates , etc. Is just not in the cards for us.

We decide to leave it in the Lords hands and hopefully when all is said and done we may still be able to have our baby after all. But, unless a miracle happens it will be quite unlikely.

Some days I want to hide in a hole so deep no one will ever find me. In one hand I have a great family and am the luckiest girl in the world… on the other hand I don’t know how much more I can take. My heart stops a beat every time the phone rings, and most days I hate my life and how it’s affected everyone around me.

I don’t want breast cancer. I don’t want my kids to be affected, I don’t want my parents to be affected, I don’t want my husband to be affected… my kids, johns parents.. family etc. I just want it all to go away. I don’t want to be a hassle, I don’t want anyone going broke because of me. I just want to disappear, and make everything go back to how it was.

What a total mess this is. I should write a book called “How Cancer will totally Fu** Up your entire Life”

I bet it will be a best seller 🙂

Just was reminded by John to end with something positive: I’m happy my dad took me to Target to shop and relax… and now play a Larry the Lobster slot machine 🙂

After a bit of sleep and a very long day things in my brain are still a bit foggy.The feelings you have one day that may totally rule your life, may have zero impact on your life the next day.

Yesterday I felt like cancer was this horrible thing that was laid on my lap and I never asked for it. Down deep I never thought I would be in this situation, so most days I just roam around lost.

Do you feel like a burden? You probably are. Less than 5% of women under 40 get breast cancer…so if/ when this happens there is no way to prepare. Your family will suffer, your body will suffer, your kids will suffer…and to make it all worse ….your finances will suffer. In one week I had $200 worth of prescriptions alone. That has nothing to with medical bills that will role in soon, and even basic preparations for chemo next week. This just seems unfair in a way. Yes…at 32 with 2 small children at home while battling cancer isn’t punishment enough… there is still the stress of every other daily activity too. Something just sounds wrong.

Today I went to a tea party for breast cancer survivors at the hospital. It was not as easy as I thought. I panned the room and quickly noticed I was one of the youngest. Probably the only one who had a 4 year old child. I was in a room full of survivors… and I wasn’t one yet. That didn’t sit well with me. They were all very sweet and kind…it’s just our stories were all different…and I wasn’t sure I was ready to tell mine, or to hear theirs just yet.

Tomorrow is a great day as I head to my parents for some R & R . I get to have some laughs and maybe even forget I have cancer for a minute or two. Saturday I go to the wig shop and it will be a major turning point ( and I don’t mean me.)

What most don’t know is Sophie (my 4 year old) has mentioned to multiple people, including myself….”If I was going to die?”

She prays for me at school and knows I’m sick…but that’s about it. So Saturday my mom, her, and I will go wig shopping. I’ll try to mostly laugh, and do what I do best…be a great mom. We’ll try on funny wigs, be silly, and somehow show her I will be fine.

Even if I had a million dollars, or even a million do-overs I’m not sure I’d change a thing. (well except cure cancer of course) This is me. The real me, doing the best I can everyday the Good Lord gives me.

Since I have to end on a positive note for John this is all I’ll say:

I know the value of life now, and it doesn’t start with a dollar sign.

I love my kids , my husband, family and friends. Happy Valentines Day to all 🙂