I’m all alone this morning for the first time in awhile. The house is totally silent. No husband, no mom, no kids fighting… just me and my thoughts.

So I decide to take a quiet hot shower listening to a favorite song of mine “Pinks, Just give me a reason.” (it’s actually playing now while typing;) I cry through most of my 45 min shower and I have no clue why. On a positive note: John take notice. I have another day with my hair, so that’s a positive thing. The ritual is as follows.

step 1:
Go into bathroom and turn on shower. Turn off most lights.

step 2: undress in the dark away from the small mirror with doors that was installed recently.

step 3: take off my clothes without really looking down whatsoever. Jump in shower.

step 4: Looking straight ahead lather up as loosey goosey as possible trying not to really notice what area is being touched. Just.Get.Clean.

step 5: Pour a small amount of shampoo into my hand and lather my locks. At this point it’s important to remember not to do the (is my hair falling out test, that comes later) Just wash and rinse. Again, not much touching.

step 6: Test time. Run my hands gently through my hair and do the “tug” test. I grab my wet hair and tug gently. Then I bring my hand around to my face and quietly whisper The Lord’s Prayer and pray for a miracle. (today I passed the test and live another day with hair!)

step 7: I turn off the shower and just stand there for a bit. Facing forward I grab a towel and dry off as fast and as quick as possible. Trying especially hard not to touch anywhere in my breast area. I don’t want to feel scars etc. So it’s best to avoid. I always bring clothes into the bathroom now. Something I never did before. I start to get dressed and just space off while doing this. I get buttoned up as much as I can and dry my remaining locks 4 feet from the small mirror. It’s really short…no need to look anyway;)

step 8: I’m done.

So when they say Cancer changes everything, please remember it sure as heck does. That’s just a shower, you should see my routine for “actually going out and seeing people.” It’s much crazier.

Fo me right now avoidance fits me well. I’m going to go with that for awhile longer. 🙂