Today was a typical DBC (day before chemo). I rush around trying to do all the cleaning and last minute errands before chemo day. It’s stressful, but it’s better that I get it done before….than worry about it when I’m not feeling well.
I also found out my article in the paper comes out tomorrow. I’m nervous over it, because I’m not exactly sure how others will perceive it. I guess I shouldn’t really care, but I do. I hope there is a lot of good info for women with breast questions. The paper contacted me and I did my best to tell my story and my true life situation of having a family and a husband…with cancer.
I always get a little nervous the day before. It’s really the same damn thing over and over… but I still get nervous for some reason. In my heart I am happy it will be one more that is done and 5 to go….but I also wish it was all over now 😦 Chemo is hard on your body, and just want it over with.
Attached are a few photos from today. My good friend Ashley fixed my wig and it looks really good. I still prefer just to throw a hat on, but the wig does me feel like the “old me.” Still all up in the air:)
So, this is the way chemo works. The further you get away from it….the more you start feeling like your old self. The bad news? That means you are probably ready for your next treatment. And I am 😦
I am choosing to stay positive and just get through another treatment and push forward. This will be 3 down, 5 to go. Then I’m blowing this popsicle stand 😉
While I end on a good note here are some fun family photos I found. Most with my brother:) love you
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Overall today I felt much better. Must be my white blood cells zooming back up again. Went out for lunch with family for the first time since the “c” word came into my life…it was nice. For a moment I tried to forget that under my strategically placed green hat… was a bald headed chemo patient. It was refreshing:)
Onto deeper more personal news. Tonight John and I had the chance to sit down and talk. It was nice. The result of the conversation was that we were both scared. That we were both uncertain… frustrated… overwhelmed…. so on and so forth. Some regarding the same things…some not.
What it boils down to is marriage is not easy. Ours wasn’t perfect before cancer, and won’t be perfect after. But 11 years is a lot of time to get to know someone… and I think we know each other pretty well. Regardless of kids, or finances or even cancer… we were destined to be soul mates….and that’s exactly what we are.
Just had a pep talk (both ways) with my brother and decided to get up and get dressed. Hair or not 🙂
Tomorrow is a new day with a new focus and many changes to my blog. I will still write my feelings, but in a different way….How they pertain to me and my kids. Maybe even a new title change…who knows. Look out for lots of changes!
This is a pic of just Me + Cancer
Does my world revolve around cancer?
“Jeez Jen, not everything revolves around you and cancer.”
Now, on a regular (non-cancer) Friday…maybe things would have been different.
But, sadly that’s not always the case. I can’t BE everything I use to be. I can’t DO everything I use to do. I am different…atleast for now. I sure hope I go back to the “old me” after this…but we’ll see. That is if all this torture is worth it in the end. And there truly is an…END.
It would be a sad sad world if my life was run by cancer…but maybe it is. Even if for now. I know the chemo sure has run my body. Every other week attaching a vein to a pouch of poison and praying for the best. Watching every last strand of hair you have fall into your hands during a shower…. that….. that must play a role right? I know my double mastectomy has run my body. Why wear a bra when you have no breasts? But, why BUY new breasts when they just tried to kill me. That must play a role right? I know the aches and pains and sleepless nights over and over that come from this play a role. My nighstand full of prescriptions must play some role…. right?
But again I can’t let cancer run my life.
Sounds easy right? Didn’t think so.
I’m attaching a pic of me, as I sit here right now. No make up, no wig, just the “old me” + cancer.
Got out of the house with the kids a bit today and it felt so good! I actually felt normal for 5 minutes ! Very much needed.
I know I should be in bed, but with the sun out, it felt so good. My germ-x was always close by
So, today is a new day. I got up and felt a bit better, so I sent my mom home for the weekend. John is back home too which is nice. With everything that was going on, I missed him so much. Probably more than I ever had before.
He got home late last night and bought me some really great perfumes and lotions which was sweet. He also met up with some old friends of his and brought home some things from them too;) It seems everyone wants to help me through this , and that’s such a wonderful thing. They are a couple John hasn’t seen in years, but when they heard about my situation they wanted to help in any way. Very sweet. Makes you think the human race isn’t so bad after all. 🙂 🙂
Anyhow, some reflecting today as I prepare for chemo 3-8. I just wish I had more behind me:( Time can’t go by fast enough right now. January 16th I found out I had cancer and then the wheels started turning shortly after. It is mid March , and I just want to speed through till the end of May. Oh, well I guess you can’t rush these things.
Must be the infection, because today started off with me throwing up, and hasn’t gotten much better. Feel like total crap.
Hopefully as the antibiotics kick in I will start feeling better. Glad my hubby comes home today:)
Well, today I felt the worst I have ever felt. 😦 My white blood cells were 1.8 and I have a bladder infection. So, that has led me to feel like total crap. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I have also reflected more than most days today. I have no idea why, just have. I wish my treatments were over and I could just fast forward time.
Anyhow, I guess not all days can be good and this is just a bad one.
my positive note: I love you John and can’t wait to see you tomorrow