Today is going to be long and horrible. Someome please knock me into a coma till the day… slash that….2 months….is over 😦
Monthly Archives: April 2013
Just hit 14,000 views on my website! Yeah! Thank you everyone:)
So, tomorrow is a big day. It is chemo #5 of 8 and it feels sort of like a turning point. I change drugs to Taxol and that worries me. I need to take 5 steroids at 7pm and 3am before each treatment. I have no clue how I will be able to fall back to sleep after I wake up at 3am, gobble down 5 pills, and then try to go back to bed:( Oh well, I guess I’ll just wait and see. The drug takes much longer to go in and chemo itself will take around 4 hours tomorrow. I really wish I wasn’t changing chemo drugs. I have been thinking of it nonstop. I have no idea what to expect or the side effects. I just want to get it over with.
Today I felt totally rushed. This usually happens the day before chemo. I know that I won’t feel up to doing much after, so I try my best to run and do everything the day before. I even wanted to do some yard work today that got done. I have 2 small trees out front that the roots are popping up
some and wanted to put up some edging with mulch around them to protect. I couldn’t do it without mowing the grass …and then it all went down hill from there:) lol.
I also had Sophies Kindergarten registration today. I was somewhat worried because Sophie is only 4 years and 9 months old. She makes the cutoff by one week and I was afraid she wasn’t going to be ready. Well….she did amazing. She had great scores and they said she should most definitely go. Two of the women who went over her scores also had cancer at one time and they were very understanding. I told them I was trying my best to practice with her and prep her…but it’s been a little crazy. They totally understood and said she was doing great and I should be proud:) They also said NOT to send her to any of the pre-k summer camps or any camps and just spend time with her and Kaylee this summer. I couldn’t agree more:-)
Overall the chores got done and I feel like I got all my errands done….now I just sit and wait for tomorrow 😦
Well tonight I have many many things running through my head . I think the realization of the BRCA coming back positive is really starting to set in. No one wants to know they have a genetic mutism that they could have passed on to their children or future children. I feel terrible about it. I feel like everyone gets screwed…and not just me. I may be messed up, but what right do I have to pass it onto to others? What right do I have to marry someone and have children with them…and they not know? The truth is it’s not fair for anyone…but sadly it’s reality.
So somehow someway I need to make sense of this senseless thing and move on. I guess knowledge is power and that’s a good thing right??? It’s better to know….than not know….right?
I have no clue really how to feel. I could shed a million tears over how this could impact my girls. That because of me…and this…they too have an 84% chance of getting breast cancer. But, on the other hand I am happy that they will be continually monitored and not have to wait the normal “40 years of age for a mammogram.” Because of this and I helping them? or hindering them? The truth is I bet it’s a little of both. How can a glass be both half full and half empty?
So tonight as I go to shut my eyes I will say I don’t know how to feel just yet. Every minute brings a new emotion and that’s just the facts.
I throw my hands up to God and say “I don’t have all the answers.. I don’t know why… I can’t explain everything… but YOU do and YOU can.” I have to live with the fact that sometime there is no rhyme or reason…there just “is.”
Good Night my friends 🙂 xoxo
ps- this is how Sophie fell asleep tonight. I told her a story about how she use to crawl into my arms and I would gently brush her hair until she fell asleep as I sang her lullabies. I did just that, and she fell fast asleep. Just a reassurance that I didn’t want to think of anything else in that moment. Just live in it, and absorb every second:)
Just found out I am BRAC 2 positive. Atleast it gives me some answers on why I probably got breast cancer. (84% chance when BRAC 2 positive) It also means I need to have my ovaries out when I know we are done having children. My parents will both be tested now to see which one I need to blame 😉 lol
Tonight was not good. While hovering over the toilet throwing up yet again I just burst into tears. I had a weak moment of exhaustion and was just over this whole thing. I think every cancer patient has these days and it’s just part of the package. I was happy my mom wasn’t here because in moments like this she would have stayed and never went home again;) She is a nurturer by nature and that is a wonderful quality I got from her.
In my moment of weakness and tears my husband and girls came to my rescue. It meant everything to me. Sophie jumped into my lap and hugged me for over 15 minutes. She didn’t say a word just looked at me, kissed my forehead, and hugged me more. Kaylee brought in a drawing she had been working on. She is very artistic and it’s always her way of showing love. My mother in law even ran to Walgreens late just to get my prescription even after working a long hard day.
So all in all, the tears have dried and I have many reasons to be thankful. 🙂
So, today was an interesting day. Yesterday I felt pretty good and decided to send my mom home today for rest knowing my next chemo would be tough and she would have to stay longer. Literally hours after she leaves I barf….then go on the deck and barf even more. After hosing off the mess, it caused me to be late get Kaylee from school and feel like a piece of crap. 😦 I apparently can’t function without a full-time caretaker. Part of me is so pissed off. Why can’t I get a break??? Even a day or two of normalcy would go a long way about now. Oh well.
Earlier today I had an appt. with a genetic counselor who gave me an 82% chance of being brac1 or 2 positive. Which means my ovaries have to come out at some point and I am no longer considered “general population” for anything ever again. I learned quite a bit about genetics and how either my mom or dad passed this to me…which means one of their parents passed it to them so on and so forth. What I didn’t realize is the lengths it is passed on. Lets say my mom passed it to me there is a 50% chance she would then pass it to my brother, which could be passed to his kids and their kids etc. and this is how it goes. It also means my mom or dad is positive and that has its own problems. My mom is at a very high risk of breast and ovarian cancer, and my dad at a much higher risk or prostate cancer etc. The problem is we don’t know which one. So, it was a lot to take in at once. Both my girls have a 50% chance of being positive as well, and don’t get me started on my feelings towards that. The counselor listed all the things they would have to deal with and it was lengthy. I pray to God I am negative and all this gets wiped away. She said then the reason for my cancer would be “unknown” because I am triple negative.
Overall it was a long exhausting day. Ready to feel better and have a good weekend:) From my mouth to Gods ears.
Here is a photo of Sophie before her preschool graduation photos today. My babies are growing up:(
Here is also a picture of the street sign of the street I grew up on. A tornado hit it yesterday and was very sad:( It’s all over the news and is depressing to watch.
So I had my weekly appt. with the oncologist today. White blood was at 1.9, so better than I thought. I puked once there and couldn’t wait to get home and get on my jammies again.
I was told all about my next chemo where we switch drugs of Taxol.
It.was.not.good. Lets see I have to take 5 steroids at 7pm the night before chemo, and 5 more at 3am before. Sounds like fun right? Oh and to add to all the fun the Taxol takes 2-3 hours to go into the IV. Lets not forget about the hour of pre meds.
So today was crappy yet again. Keep looking for the silver lining…must need to shine a bit brighter I guess for me to see it. I wanted to give an honest take on cancer…this is as honest as it gets. Cancer sucks…period.