Taking it from the top

Well just got back from the surgeon. He doesn’t think the lump is anything to worry about…so I will try not to worry. Chance of reoccurance in the breast is 6%. Seeing how 85% of all breast lumps are NOT cancer… and mine was…my gambling is piss poor at best. Plus biopsy’s are 93% accurate… and mine was inaccurate. So, lets just say I am trying not to think about it.

I have chemo Wednesday and am just going to put one foot infront of the other. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. But since January 16th at 5:15pm I feel like I’ve been scared every second since. Cancer is scary… period.

So today I have 2 doctors appts. The first is over. I saw my new ob/gyn and had a women’s yearly exam and the Mirena put in. I swear it took an hour to go over my medical history. I need to be a genius to remember all the procedures, and dates etc. She was very nice and caring and kept telling me what a great job I was doing. She also mentioned the possibility of having a baby after chemo and was very much for it. She mentioned if my brca genetic test ever comes back, and is positive we would need to get baby making relatively quick so my ovaries could come out too. She reassured me the baby would be fine even though I had 4 months of chemo. She also mentioned because I had chemo and not radiation I should still be fertile and have eggs left. They warn you during chemo there is a chance they will scramble every last one of them.

Then came the Mirena. The Mirena is an iud and is used to prevent pregnancy. Because I can’t take the pill any longer I need this at least until chemo is over. Well, it hurt like crazy when she put it in. It’s supposed to last 5 years… and boy oh boy it seemed like she was hiding it somewhere they wouldn’t find for 5 years! It was not pleasant… and I am glad it’s done. I go back next week for a check up. She also mentioned going to a genetic counselor that visits the hospital. She had no idea why the insurance wasn’t covering it, and this should be the straw that broke the camels back…. and they would have no reason to cover it. Anyhow that’s update 1. Will update after doctors appt #2. Praying the lump is nothing… Dear Lord hear my prayers!

So today is Easter and it was amazing going back to my church to celebrate. I had such a great time seeing everyone and celebrating such a wonderful day:)

After church I started to feel a bit sick to my stomach and stayed in bed most of the rest of the day. My mind started taking me into tomorrow and my 2 doctors appts I have. The first is with a Gyn to get an annual exam (big fun;) and the second with my surgeon to check the lump I found. I know my gyn will give me a breast exam as well and maybe can shed some light on what the lump is and why it’s hurting. Overall tomorrow will be a shitty day I’ll just want over with .

As I sat in church today I began to cry and wasn’t sure why. Not sure if I’m just broke down from all this… or it’s just taking a toll on my mind and spirit as well as my body. This is so much to absorb all at once. Wed. will be the halfway mark of my chemo. It is #4 of #8. 2 months down, and 2 months to go. It seems like an eternity…. and that’s not quite fair:( I feel everyday like I have given enough, and I should just be able to be done… but that ‘s just not so.

One day (hopefully this summer:) I will be sitting on the beach of Hawaii blogging and saying that this journey is behind me and I am only looking forward. But for now, that seems like an eternity away.

This is by far the hardest thing I ever been through in my entire life. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and feel a bit jaded sometimes that it’s been laid on my door step at the age of 32. Not just for me to endure…but my husband…my kids… my parents… and so on.

My mother alone has given up so much. She has to be here every single week to help with the kids and my appointments. We would have had to hire a full time nurse/nanny to do everything she is doing. 4 months of her life devoted to taking care of me and my family….how can I ever say thank you enough? The answer… I can’t. I don’t know a single person on the planet that would have given up everything to help like she has. I hope to one day have the resources to pay my parents back in some way…. because they deserve it. Maybe it’ll give me a reason to start a fundraiser and send them somewhere nice.

Know one knows more than her the hell I live everyday. That’s gotta be worth something right?? I believe it does.

Here are some pictures before church today:)