Category Archives: Ughhhhh

The night before….

So here we are…. months and months and months and months of chemo and it is finally coming to an end. How do I feel you ask?? Not sure. I am feeling so many things at once and not exactly sure why. I am so happy and grateful to the ones who stuck by me and showed support, and also sad and disappointed at the ones who didn’t. I’m scared that this isn’t the last I’ll see of chemo, and one day it’ll come back. I’m happy because my hair will finally grow back and I’ll get to leave the house without a wig or hat. I’m sad that my mom won’t visit as much because I won’t need the help I use to. I’m excited to get back out in the world and enjoy things I couldn’t before. I fear I won’t recover fast enough and people will expect things from me right away that just won’t be possible. I worry that this last treatment will push my body to it’s limits and my remaining strands of hair will vanish. I’m excited and can’t wait to take my girls places and really enjoy time just them and I.

So, my mind is frazzled. Many thoughts…all over the place.

This week I saw a video on Facebook of 2 men who were zapped with electricity to mimic what childbirth feels like. I remember so many times where I tried to (and probably most women;) explain what exactly giving birth feels like. I’m not sure the video was exactly correct, but it didn’t stop me from watching and giggling through it. It’s horribly painful, yet someone who made the video felt the need to try and reenact it so others could “feel their pain.”

I would never in a million years wish what I’ve been through on anyone. But, I also feel like unless you’ve been through it, you’ll never completely understand. Have I earned a “pass?” Can I be bitter, or angry, or upset… and just get a “free pass” for awhile? Do I deserve that? I think I just might.

This blog has been a major learning experience for me. Would I do it again? Not sure. Because, just like a diary that you’re afraid someone wilI find… I haven’t always said what I wanted to say. Some days I want to go off and rant, and I’ve held back. I want to use peoples names, but then again have them never know it was me writing about them. I want to curse and yell and tell stories about what people have said to me… and how bad it hurt me…but then again don’t. So, this has been a learning experience. In my heart I know I have done a good thing. I brought breast cancer in young women to the forefront. I exposed cancer for the demon it is, and showed how quickly it can destroy everything you worked so hard to build. I also think I showed the truth about vanity and what it really is.

I’m absolutely without a doubt a different person than I was 5 months ago. I feel like my eyes are wide and bright and my ears are open. I will love more and live more because of cancer. Period.

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wow over 17,000 hits on my site!

Wow, over 17,000 hits on my site! wow! What a fantastic compliment…thank you to everyone who takes time to
stop by and read it:)

Tonight was a good night. It really made feel that my blog was worthy and a great thing I’m doing. John had an awards banquet for the hospital. He wanted me to go with him, and I was so happy I felt good and could go!

I had such great feedback. All night I had people come up to me and say they follow my blog. Also they thought I was doing an amazing thing, and how proud they were of me for putting myself out there. Some of them I knew…some I sort of knew…and some
I didn’t know at all. But… it felt AMAZING!

Just little ol’ me with a little ol’ website has come so far….and I am
proud of myself:) These were my husbands peers and co-workers and they were complimenting me. It felt good:) I really am trying to tell my story the best way I know how…but also
promote womens health and do good things. It’s pretty empowering to change another persons life….even if it is in the tiniest way.

Overall it was a good night. Just spending time with my husband was reward enough, but the rest was the cherry on top:)

And…. lots of people thought I had my own hair and I wasn’t wearing a wig.
Many were actually really shocked and surprised that I was bald under my hair:)

Oh and the countdown till my last chemo continues! Yeah:)

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1 week till my last chemo!

I’d like to say “one week left.” But that’s not really true. The pain after last about a week or so… sometimes longer.

Regardless I ticked the time down and X’d off the calendar… and next Wednesday the 29th is my LAST official chemo. Sounds almost too good to be true…. but it is:)

I have a million things going through my brain, but I’m not going to let that cloud up my happiness.

This is happening. I have changed. I have learned. I am a different person. I know that this was meant to happen to me to learn lessons. Learn who is important in my life, and also help
others along the way.

For those family, or friends who text or call everyday to check on me, I will forever love you. You all showed me what love was all about. I’m sad that other family or friends did not, but I’m not going to let that spoil my happiness. I will NEVER FORGET WHO WAS THERE FOR ME. Thank you:)

What does all this babble boil down to? I had cancer at a young age with a young family. I was so scared and needed help and support on a daily basis. Some stepped up…
and for those
I love you so much:) truly!

Feeling okay…

So, yesterday was the first time my family and I have been able to go out to eat for dinner in weeks. It was soooooo nice to be out and about in public. The food was great, and I was so happy:)

Sadly, I came home (and this morning) and my knees and legs are killing me. These are still side effects from the chemo. 😦 So, I am going to take my pain meds like Doc said and take a hot bath. Then….I’ll be ready to start my day! The sun is shining and I’m not going to miss a minute of it.

Carpe diem

Ps- Here is my new cup I got at the hospital gift shop. Maybe should have waited till after ALL treatments were over…but oh well. I survived this long and thats an accomplishment isn’t it ?? 😉

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over 15,000 views!

Wow! As of today over 15,000 views to my blog. I think that is so amazing! Thank you to everyone who is following my journey and with me every step of the way. It means so much to me:) Overall I am feeling okay and ready to get my next chemo over with. After that I will only have 2 to go! yiippee Let’s hope everything stays on track and the Good Lord has mercy on me. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am reading to put a period…and move on 🙂

big day tomorrow…

Just hit 14,000 views on my website! Yeah! Thank you everyone:)

So, tomorrow is a big day. It is chemo #5 of 8 and it feels sort of like a turning point. I change drugs to Taxol and that worries me. I need to take 5 steroids at 7pm and 3am before each treatment. I have no clue how I will be able to fall back to sleep after I wake up at 3am, gobble down 5 pills, and then try to go back to bed:( Oh well, I guess I’ll just wait and see. The drug takes much longer to go in and chemo itself will take around 4 hours tomorrow. I really wish I wasn’t changing chemo drugs. I have been thinking of it nonstop. I have no idea what to expect or the side effects. I just want to get it over with.

Today I felt totally rushed. This usually happens the day before chemo. I know that I won’t feel up to doing much after, so I try my best to run and do everything the day before. I even wanted to do some yard work today that got done. I have 2 small trees out front that the roots are popping up
some and wanted to put up some edging with mulch around them to protect. I couldn’t do it without mowing the grass …and then it all went down hill from there:) lol.

I also had Sophies Kindergarten registration today. I was somewhat worried because Sophie is only 4 years and 9 months old. She makes the cutoff by one week and I was afraid she wasn’t going to be ready. Well….she did amazing. She had great scores and they said she should most definitely go. Two of the women who went over her scores also had cancer at one time and they were very understanding. I told them I was trying my best to practice with her and prep her…but it’s been a little crazy. They totally understood and said she was doing great and I should be proud:) They also said NOT to send her to any of the pre-k summer camps or any camps and just spend time with her and Kaylee this summer. I couldn’t agree more:-)

Overall the chores got done and I feel like I got all my errands done….now I just sit and wait for tomorrow 😦

lots of thoughts

Well tonight I have many many things running through my head . I think the realization of the BRCA coming back positive is really starting to set in. No one wants to know they have a genetic mutism that they could have passed on to their children or future children. I feel terrible about it. I feel like everyone gets screwed…and not just me. I may be messed up, but what right do I have to pass it onto to others? What right do I have to marry someone and have children with them…and they not know? The truth is it’s not fair for anyone…but sadly it’s reality.

So somehow someway I need to make sense of this senseless thing and move on. I guess knowledge is power and that’s a good thing right??? It’s better to know….than not know….right?

I have no clue really how to feel. I could shed a million tears over how this could impact my girls. That because of me…and this…they too have an 84% chance of getting breast cancer. But, on the other hand I am happy that they will be continually monitored and not have to wait the normal “40 years of age for a mammogram.” Because of this and I helping them? or hindering them? The truth is I bet it’s a little of both. How can a glass be both half full and half empty?

So tonight as I go to shut my eyes I will say I don’t know how to feel just yet. Every minute brings a new emotion and that’s just the facts.

I throw my hands up to God and say “I don’t have all the answers.. I don’t know why… I can’t explain everything… but YOU do and YOU can.” I have to live with the fact that sometime there is no rhyme or reason…there just “is.”

Good Night my friends 🙂 xoxo

ps- this is how Sophie fell asleep tonight. I told her a story about how she use to crawl into my arms and I would gently brush her hair until she fell asleep as I sang her lullabies. I did just that, and she fell fast asleep. Just a reassurance that I didn’t want to think of anything else in that moment. Just live in it, and absorb every second:)

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a day to reflect…

So today I woke up feeling crappy as always. My joints are still killing me and I have zero energy. We ran a few errands today and that was good to get out of the house….but I could tell something was different…I was sick. I felt sick to my stomach most of the time and just felt weak. When we were out all I could think about was coming home and getting under my warming blanket. This is not typical for me. I love getting out and running errands. Even if if it’s just a few things we need…. I loved it. Today I could tell something was different. Scratch that…someone was different. Me.

I am so thankful for everyone that follows my blog and facebooks/emails/and texts me daily to check on me. It has truly shown me who is there for me during my time of need. I have never in my life needed more support than I do now.

It’s hard to explain, but everyday I wake up I have to engage in a battle. A battle to suffer and get beaten down in order to come out ahead and beat this disease. I can’t hide from it. I can’t even run away from it. It will totally break me down, and somehow someway I need to still be standing at the end. It has given me a whole new compassion for anyone who fights a disease of any kind. It is life changing.

I am sore and tired and need some rest. Until tomorrow, hugs and kisses 🙂

It’s chemo time.

Well the time has come. chemo #4 of 8 (hopefully). Still nervous just like the first time:(

just keep swimming…just keep swimming…just keep swimming..just keep swimming

hummingbird food… aka chemo drugs

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Typical day before…

Today was a typical DBC (day before chemo). I rush around trying to do all the cleaning and last minute errands before chemo day. It’s stressful, but it’s better that I get it done before….than worry about it when I’m not feeling well.

I also found out my article in the paper comes out tomorrow. I’m nervous over it, because I’m not exactly sure how others will perceive it. I guess I shouldn’t really care, but I do. I hope there is a lot of good info for women with breast questions. The paper contacted me and I did my best to tell my story and my true life situation of having a family and a husband…with cancer.

I always get a little nervous the day before. It’s really the same damn thing over and over… but I still get nervous for some reason. In my heart I am happy it will be one more that is done and 5 to go….but I also wish it was all over now 😦 Chemo is hard on your body, and just want it over with.

Attached are a few photos from today. My good friend Ashley fixed my wig and it looks really good. I still prefer just to throw a hat on, but the wig does me feel like the “old me.” Still all up in the air:)

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