Category Archives: Ughhhhh

Christmas: till the season…for an update;)

So, Christmas will be here before
we know it. First off, at Thanksgiving we told the kids that after the year we had, we need to step back and realize what is most important this coming Christmas… our Family . The fact that we all get to be together is the greatest gift to be had. I thought telling the kids we were cutting back this year would lead to fussing and complaining…but it went really well. John and I told them they would each get around 3-4 gifts a piece. No electronics, and nothing over $20. Sophie did mention she wanted something for $30 (a twirling ballerina:) so we made an exception for that. Now as you read this you are probably thinking…”Well, they’ll just ask Santa for the big stuff.” πŸ˜‰ haha. So, we told the girls no lists this year for Santa either. He has so many kids to bring toys to that they will (as Sophies preschool teacher had taught her:) “Get what you get, and don’t throw a fit.” haha. So I prepared them for getting just a few small items that Santa can easilly carry with him. It really has made this Christmas season sooooo much easier when I’m not worried about how to pay/shop for lots of gifts. I’m not sure why I didn’t start this years ago! Now, for those who know us…we never really did a whole bunch of gifts or really expensive stuff…but Sophie did want a kids tablet last year and Kaylee a new DS.. and just those 2 items alone were $300 …so it sure adds up fast. After this year I also think…well, these kiddos have been through a lot, they should get the biggest & best Christmas ever….And They Will! It just won’t revolve around presents. I have books to read, xmas lights to see, and I’ll also make my very 1st Smore with them on Christmas Eve!

This has been a year to remember. I think my kids did so much growing up, and I am so proud of how they handled it. I can’t begin to imagine how a 4 & 9 year old felt when they found out their mom had breast cancer. I love them so much, and they are the reason I fought and will always fight to be with them.

I am now lucky to know so many wonderful woman that are battling this awful disease. They are true inspirations everyday. We all share the same common bond…
We Are All Warriors. To get to know each of them has been such a blessing this year.

This Christmas I am way more emotional than ever before. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know what I can’t live without. I will never be able to thank my family & friends that stepped up and supported me this year. Maybe it was a text…or a phone call…maybe it was helping with my girls…or just a card in the mail. To the ones that loved me and supported my family…I am forever grateful.

Today I had a mild breakdown when I was talking to my mom. Part of it was a flood of emotions…and part of it was a flood of frustration. Pain in my legs isn’t getting better:( I just opened my mouth and all this stuff just came pouring out along with tears. I just sat in the parking lot and sobbed and sobbed. I was upset and hurt by some people in my life and I just kept it bottled up for too long. Sometimes in life you are faced with things you have zero control of…and you need people around you to lift you up when you feel like giving up. I am thankful for my husband, kids, parents, family & friends that have shown love & support throughout the toughest year of my life. Thank you for being so kind to put me first when I needed to heal and get better. Only God himself knows what the future holds. I pray each day for a Cure, and peace among those who are suffering. Love alwaysπŸ’œβ€πŸ’š

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cancer is a jerk.

cancer sucks…period.

I have said it from the beginning, and I still say it now.

You see, even now as I sit here…months and months and months after finishing treatment…and it was so-called “coming to an end.” It’s not. It seems like it never will….and it makes me so angry. I thought I was making progress with a new drug I was taking….but then here is reality to smack me in the face. Yes, maybe it worked for a bit….but now it’s not and I’m having severe side effects. Terrible leg pain & numbness & my brain is all fuzzy…and it’s driving me nuts! My kids are saying I’m calling them by the wrong names, my words and sentences are not formulating like normal….and it seems as though it’s a page right out of Family Guy, and clearly I’ve had too many free McBurgertown Burgers…(sorry if you don’t get that…it’s a joke about Peter having a stroke)….I’ve never had my brain not function correctly….it’s actually quite scary. Imagine you want to tell a story. In your head you have formulated it all and have the story all planned out and how you will tell it…..then you open your mouth, and you can’t think of any of the right words and you don’t remember any of the sentences. Just a few minutes before it was all planned out, and now you can’t just repeat it…..frustrating.

I want to blab on for paragraphs on in about how frustrated I am…but I’ll spare everyone. I’m back to feeling like crap and I hate that. I want to just move on…and I’m not sure now if that will ever happen. This last medicine I’m on is my last option before trying anti-depressants and so on that I’m not comfortable with. So…..I just want it to work.

I’m hurt.I’m defeated. And I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that at 33 my body is acting like it’s 83. As I type in anger, it’s still ever present that I feel like a jerk for even complaining. Each night I close my eyes and pray to God that I will be given another day on this Earth. But on that same token, I want to enjoy my life and have peace within it. I want to play with my kids without fear I’ll break another bone….I want to hold hands with my 5 year old and not have fear I’ll fall and hurt her… I want to rewind time and get moments back that I am missing… I want to just to scream at the top of my lungs I am angry….that I hate cancer and everything it has done. No one should go through this…

So, above all I will do what I do. Wake up tomorrow put on my Cancer Sucks t shirt and release some anger…and at the same time spread awareness. Cancer does Suck….period.

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Retreat…

Flight delayed twice… waiting at terminal for flight to Nashville.
AC not working properly in Airport…. and my carry on bathroom items in my ziploc had a spill and ruined everything in the bag…. no worries replacememt toothpaste etc ran me $38…. jeez! This is not starting well. Hope this is not a sign from God?

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Update:

The post…..

Ohhhhh how I have thought about whether or not to write anything. It took me awhile, but I decided that any of the 21,000 people that had read my blog so far… love and care for me, would want to know what’s going on.

I recently deleted Facebook. I just needed a break from constantly updating my life and every event in it. I also think I just need some space. After everything that has happened this year… I just needed some breathing room. I am not against Facebook by any means, I just want to take a step back from it. And it’s also not that I don’t want to enjoy others life events and joys….I just have my plate full right now, and need to focus on me….for now. My friends and family know my email and phone and can text and so on any time they want.

More news: my leg and numbness is no better… and I have even fallen once because I couldn’t feel my feet under me…so that has been crappy to deal with. But, pushing forward and doing the best I can with the situation.

More news: before I was diagnosed John and I were off birth control. We decided to go off, and just see what happened…. well damn me!! Cancer happened! hahah… no that wasn’t a result.. buy yes, Cancer did happen. Please remember I am 32. John and I have never had super in depth conversations about having a baby, we just talked about it from time to time and one day said we wanted another… but no pressure, I’m fairly young and we’ll see how long it takes. Well, I found the lump in December I had no idea it would take me down the path of cancer…. never in a million zillion years did I expect that. So, babies were off the table, and it was time to “Heal Jennifer.” …. so that’s what we did. It couldn’t be solved in a week or a month….. it couldn’t be done when I had free time…. It was ASAP get your butt ready for a rollercoaster….we are strapping you in NOW! Double mastectomy… chemo…. and so on… months and months and months and months and months of treatment. It honestly felt like it would never end…. but thankfully it did:) It was a battle… but I live to tell the story….

So….. when I was first diagnosed I talked to all my doctors and was honest. I was worried we would never get the chance to have another baby and it was over for us. I was told I am Triple Negative Breast Cancer (no hormone involvment) so…. out of all the types of cancer to have mine was the harshest and did have the highest mortality rate…. but……. the silver lining…….I wouldn’t really be on any post treatment meds, and we could try for a baby at some point when my body was ready. So, I figured….we’ll wait a bit longer, but we’ll get there some day:)

Fast forward to now. I had some blood work done to see if I was in menopause… it was crazy ass high! 93.5. So… yes I am most definetly in menopause. 😦 I have terrible hot flashes, so i’m not all that surprised really. We talked to a few doctors and the news wasn’t good. My body, as of now… cannot make a baby. But… more than that.. it may never. (insert sobbing here) It may never re-boot and allow us to conceive and that’s just a fact. The ability to wait 5 years and “just see” is unfortunately off the table. I have the genetic deformation Brac2. What does this mean? Well…. it means I was at a high risk for breast cancer…. and got it. I’m also at a high risk for ovarian cancer, so I need to have a hysterectomy at some point to prevent that from possibly happening. So…. time is of the essence a bit. You wouldn’t think at 32, it would be an issue… but for me it is. So, where does this leave us? We heard from another doctor who talked to a fertility person and again it was bad news. I heard everything from …. “be happy you have 2 children.” “you could still try invitro and donor eggs (at $30,000+) a try.” “some women get steralized after they find out they are brac2 positive.” “we’ll see where we stand in 5 years.” So, everything was sad and not what I wanted to hear. I cried the whole time, and I’ve cried everyday since.

I look at my Drivers License from time to time and see a young woman, early 30’s… who’s married, healthy …. so on and so forth. All the basic information that makes me a “person.” …..Then I look in the mirror. I see a bald, breastless woman who looks beaten, scarred and now I have to add infertile. It’s just a hard pill to swallow. I don’t know who I am?

I agree that I found the lump in my breast on my own and did whatever medically possible to save my life. Some of it was drastic, but I wanted the very best chance to live a long life. Having no breasts and no hair… well, living was worth more to me than any of that.

I feel ungrateful to say I want another baby, when some are never allowed to have a baby of their own…. but then again I look in the mirror and see a 32 year old lady who has been to hell and back, and who’s body was ready in December to do this.

But why the guilt? Why “should I just be happy with the two I have?” Why are they saying this to me? I don’t think that is very nice to say. I don’t judge others… I don’t ask each person I meet everyday if they got on their knees each morning and thanked God himself for the gift of sight….for the gift of hearing….for the gift of life? In my eyes every second on Earth is a gift… but do people stop their busy lives and really sit down and tell all the things they are thankful for each and everyday? The answer is no. You could go on and on and on about how ungrateful everyone is. It’s just such a slippery slope where you want to have your own sadness, without others judging you on whether it is a valid reason or not.

I am sad. And I will be hearbroken for awhile if I am told at 32 and because of Cancer, the ability to expand my family naturally…. is finished. It’s a loss.

And I will grieve.

We see a doctor related to this November 1st and we’ll see what she says and go from there. But, for now… I am just going to focus on living one day at a time and making the best out of each one of them:)

ps- for those of you who don’t know, I am heading to Nashville Thurs-Sunday of this week for a Young Breast Cancer Survivors Retreat. I won the all expense paid trip with an essay I wrote, and I am so excited. I am scared, but so over the moon I get the chance to be a part of it:)

pps- enjoy some updated photos:)

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12:30am;)

Not too much I want write about tonight….. I will save it for tomorrow when I have had more sleep. πŸ˜‰ I met with Dr. Bond (my oncologist) and we had many many things to go over. First and foremost my tumor marker was 20 and my labs looked great! No cancer:) He also said that I need a hysterectomy within the next few years because I am Brac 2 positive. I am at an elevated risk of ovarian and cervical cancer. He mentioned I should go to a fertility expert in St. Louis and know our options. He’s not positive that because of the Brac 2 I may be at an elevated risk for cancer to come back if I get pregnant. He doesn’t really think thats true because my kind of cancer was negative for hormones…. but we need some answers. He’s also not positive I have any eggs left after chemo…. a risk I had to take to save my life. Before each chemo I would always think “go little eggs… go hide somewhere and be safe;)

So, for now it’s all just up in the air. We need more answers so John and I can make the best choice for our family. I know it is a lot of work having another child someday…. but my heart just tells me there is this little one out there waiting for me. I can feel it in my soul.

The Good Lord put me on this planet to be an amazing mother, and wife, and have my own family one day I could love and nurture. My kids are my world. I have to believe that what is meant to be…will be:) I just need to trust in Him.

Goodnight, God Bless:)

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Too sweet…

All about the kittens:)

Wow! What a crazy week. School is about to start back up again and things are getting nuts. We went on a quick trip to Branson with John’s family and that is when our little family expanded:) We were staying at a fishing lodge and soon after arriving the kids came running up to us saying they found kittens. They were hiding behind a metal diesel drum out in the cold and rain and it was so sad. I would have never told the kids to try and get them out, but I wasn’t sure they would survive where they were. So, one by one we got them out. There were 4 total. We brought them in and cleaned them up and then went to the Office to find out if they belonged to anyone. He told us that weeks before someone had kicked a dog and a pregnant cat out of a moving car and dumped them on his property. He asked us if we wanted any of them and that he was going to put them in a box by the Office marked “Free” the next day.

I am 32 years old and have never owned a cat as an adult. We had one as a child, but I barely remember. So, taking any of them home was no where on my radar. But as the days passed, and they just looked so sweet and helpless, we just couldn’t resist. We told the girls we’d take 1 home. Well, after a Facebook post about it I learned that they are better off if you keep them as a pair because it gives them someone to play with….and snuggle with:) So….. that was it…. Pickles and Cucumber (the girls named them) were coming home to Rolla. When we got them home I set up a vet appt. and found out they were around 1lb each and between 8-9 weeks old…. oh and they are both girls:) πŸ™‚ More good news was to follow because John parents decided to keep the other 2! Who are also both girls.

So….. long story short, our little family expanded and welcomed 2 little kittens. They may have been tossed aside, but we are ready to show them what a loving home is all about. I was so scared bringing them home that they would be a pain. But, honestly they are so sweet. They use their litter box, and roll around and play with one another and it is just too cute! Peanut is being introduced slowly and he is not being too bad.

I had it in my mind that cats were these smelly little creatures with claws…. but they arn’t so bad. They have been so good so far and I barely notice them around. No smells at all:) lol. Anyhow, I guess my heart was open and ready and that feels so good. Everything in me said “don’t bring these things home.”….. but there was just something about them I couldn’t walk away from. Maybe down deep I know that my heart was open because we wanted another baby and that had to be put on hold for awhile…but whatever the case is, we helped save these little girls….and that feels great:)

ps- still having trouble with my legs and feet from chemo and that is taking a toll… but I’m not going to ruin this sweet and adorable post with that stuff:) Another day.

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