Category Archives: Ughhhhh

Update:

The post…..

Ohhhhh how I have thought about whether or not to write anything. It took me awhile, but I decided that any of the 21,000 people that had read my blog so far… love and care for me, would want to know what’s going on.

I recently deleted Facebook. I just needed a break from constantly updating my life and every event in it. I also think I just need some space. After everything that has happened this year… I just needed some breathing room. I am not against Facebook by any means, I just want to take a step back from it. And it’s also not that I don’t want to enjoy others life events and joys….I just have my plate full right now, and need to focus on me….for now. My friends and family know my email and phone and can text and so on any time they want.

More news: my leg and numbness is no better… and I have even fallen once because I couldn’t feel my feet under me…so that has been crappy to deal with. But, pushing forward and doing the best I can with the situation.

More news: before I was diagnosed John and I were off birth control. We decided to go off, and just see what happened…. well damn me!! Cancer happened! hahah… no that wasn’t a result.. buy yes, Cancer did happen. Please remember I am 32. John and I have never had super in depth conversations about having a baby, we just talked about it from time to time and one day said we wanted another… but no pressure, I’m fairly young and we’ll see how long it takes. Well, I found the lump in December I had no idea it would take me down the path of cancer…. never in a million zillion years did I expect that. So, babies were off the table, and it was time to “Heal Jennifer.” …. so that’s what we did. It couldn’t be solved in a week or a month….. it couldn’t be done when I had free time…. It was ASAP get your butt ready for a rollercoaster….we are strapping you in NOW! Double mastectomy… chemo…. and so on… months and months and months and months and months of treatment. It honestly felt like it would never end…. but thankfully it did:) It was a battle… but I live to tell the story….

So….. when I was first diagnosed I talked to all my doctors and was honest. I was worried we would never get the chance to have another baby and it was over for us. I was told I am Triple Negative Breast Cancer (no hormone involvment) so…. out of all the types of cancer to have mine was the harshest and did have the highest mortality rate…. but……. the silver lining…….I wouldn’t really be on any post treatment meds, and we could try for a baby at some point when my body was ready. So, I figured….we’ll wait a bit longer, but we’ll get there some day:)

Fast forward to now. I had some blood work done to see if I was in menopause… it was crazy ass high! 93.5. So… yes I am most definetly in menopause. 😦 I have terrible hot flashes, so i’m not all that surprised really. We talked to a few doctors and the news wasn’t good. My body, as of now… cannot make a baby. But… more than that.. it may never. (insert sobbing here) It may never re-boot and allow us to conceive and that’s just a fact. The ability to wait 5 years and “just see” is unfortunately off the table. I have the genetic deformation Brac2. What does this mean? Well…. it means I was at a high risk for breast cancer…. and got it. I’m also at a high risk for ovarian cancer, so I need to have a hysterectomy at some point to prevent that from possibly happening. So…. time is of the essence a bit. You wouldn’t think at 32, it would be an issue… but for me it is. So, where does this leave us? We heard from another doctor who talked to a fertility person and again it was bad news. I heard everything from …. “be happy you have 2 children.” “you could still try invitro and donor eggs (at $30,000+) a try.” “some women get steralized after they find out they are brac2 positive.” “we’ll see where we stand in 5 years.” So, everything was sad and not what I wanted to hear. I cried the whole time, and I’ve cried everyday since.

I look at my Drivers License from time to time and see a young woman, early 30’s… who’s married, healthy …. so on and so forth. All the basic information that makes me a “person.” …..Then I look in the mirror. I see a bald, breastless woman who looks beaten, scarred and now I have to add infertile. It’s just a hard pill to swallow. I don’t know who I am?

I agree that I found the lump in my breast on my own and did whatever medically possible to save my life. Some of it was drastic, but I wanted the very best chance to live a long life. Having no breasts and no hair… well, living was worth more to me than any of that.

I feel ungrateful to say I want another baby, when some are never allowed to have a baby of their own…. but then again I look in the mirror and see a 32 year old lady who has been to hell and back, and who’s body was ready in December to do this.

But why the guilt? Why “should I just be happy with the two I have?” Why are they saying this to me? I don’t think that is very nice to say. I don’t judge others… I don’t ask each person I meet everyday if they got on their knees each morning and thanked God himself for the gift of sight….for the gift of hearing….for the gift of life? In my eyes every second on Earth is a gift… but do people stop their busy lives and really sit down and tell all the things they are thankful for each and everyday? The answer is no. You could go on and on and on about how ungrateful everyone is. It’s just such a slippery slope where you want to have your own sadness, without others judging you on whether it is a valid reason or not.

I am sad. And I will be hearbroken for awhile if I am told at 32 and because of Cancer, the ability to expand my family naturally…. is finished. It’s a loss.

And I will grieve.

We see a doctor related to this November 1st and we’ll see what she says and go from there. But, for now… I am just going to focus on living one day at a time and making the best out of each one of them:)

ps- for those of you who don’t know, I am heading to Nashville Thurs-Sunday of this week for a Young Breast Cancer Survivors Retreat. I won the all expense paid trip with an essay I wrote, and I am so excited. I am scared, but so over the moon I get the chance to be a part of it:)

pps- enjoy some updated photos:)

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12:30am;)

Not too much I want write about tonight….. I will save it for tomorrow when I have had more sleep. 😉 I met with Dr. Bond (my oncologist) and we had many many things to go over. First and foremost my tumor marker was 20 and my labs looked great! No cancer:) He also said that I need a hysterectomy within the next few years because I am Brac 2 positive. I am at an elevated risk of ovarian and cervical cancer. He mentioned I should go to a fertility expert in St. Louis and know our options. He’s not positive that because of the Brac 2 I may be at an elevated risk for cancer to come back if I get pregnant. He doesn’t really think thats true because my kind of cancer was negative for hormones…. but we need some answers. He’s also not positive I have any eggs left after chemo…. a risk I had to take to save my life. Before each chemo I would always think “go little eggs… go hide somewhere and be safe;)

So, for now it’s all just up in the air. We need more answers so John and I can make the best choice for our family. I know it is a lot of work having another child someday…. but my heart just tells me there is this little one out there waiting for me. I can feel it in my soul.

The Good Lord put me on this planet to be an amazing mother, and wife, and have my own family one day I could love and nurture. My kids are my world. I have to believe that what is meant to be…will be:) I just need to trust in Him.

Goodnight, God Bless:)

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Too sweet…

All about the kittens:)

Wow! What a crazy week. School is about to start back up again and things are getting nuts. We went on a quick trip to Branson with John’s family and that is when our little family expanded:) We were staying at a fishing lodge and soon after arriving the kids came running up to us saying they found kittens. They were hiding behind a metal diesel drum out in the cold and rain and it was so sad. I would have never told the kids to try and get them out, but I wasn’t sure they would survive where they were. So, one by one we got them out. There were 4 total. We brought them in and cleaned them up and then went to the Office to find out if they belonged to anyone. He told us that weeks before someone had kicked a dog and a pregnant cat out of a moving car and dumped them on his property. He asked us if we wanted any of them and that he was going to put them in a box by the Office marked “Free” the next day.

I am 32 years old and have never owned a cat as an adult. We had one as a child, but I barely remember. So, taking any of them home was no where on my radar. But as the days passed, and they just looked so sweet and helpless, we just couldn’t resist. We told the girls we’d take 1 home. Well, after a Facebook post about it I learned that they are better off if you keep them as a pair because it gives them someone to play with….and snuggle with:) So….. that was it…. Pickles and Cucumber (the girls named them) were coming home to Rolla. When we got them home I set up a vet appt. and found out they were around 1lb each and between 8-9 weeks old…. oh and they are both girls:) 🙂 More good news was to follow because John parents decided to keep the other 2! Who are also both girls.

So….. long story short, our little family expanded and welcomed 2 little kittens. They may have been tossed aside, but we are ready to show them what a loving home is all about. I was so scared bringing them home that they would be a pain. But, honestly they are so sweet. They use their litter box, and roll around and play with one another and it is just too cute! Peanut is being introduced slowly and he is not being too bad.

I had it in my mind that cats were these smelly little creatures with claws…. but they arn’t so bad. They have been so good so far and I barely notice them around. No smells at all:) lol. Anyhow, I guess my heart was open and ready and that feels so good. Everything in me said “don’t bring these things home.”….. but there was just something about them I couldn’t walk away from. Maybe down deep I know that my heart was open because we wanted another baby and that had to be put on hold for awhile…but whatever the case is, we helped save these little girls….and that feels great:)

ps- still having trouble with my legs and feet from chemo and that is taking a toll… but I’m not going to ruin this sweet and adorable post with that stuff:) Another day.

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:( Sad face = how I’m feeling

Time to complain:

Somedays I am perfectly fine, and other days I am pissed the whole day. I am so tired of all this. Tired of cancer…tired of laying in bed…tired of pain….tired of damn near everything. I keep feeling I take two steps forward and one step back:(

More recently, I’m even upset about my hair. This whole time….months and months of no hair, and just now I feel vulnerable about it. I find myself starring at people with hair. Even getting a bit pissy when a shampoo commercial comes on;) I don’t have a single hair on my face and it is REALLY annoying! I am wearing the biggest glasses I have, and it still doesn’t seem to cover up my face nearly enough.

So, my self esteem is down, and I’m a total disaster. What’s new. Somedays I want to cry all day, and this just seems to be one of them. I hate cancer, I hate what it has done to my body, done to my life, done to my self esteem… and damn near everything else possible. Overall I guess I am just tired….tired of all of it.

That’s it, I have nothing positive to say today.

This is the only photo that I have to show how I’m feeling

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All surgeries Suck!

I don’t care what type of surgery you are having…it sucks. You will be in pain, they will stick you with needles… and at some point you will be brought to tears. Guaranteed.

Today has been a lond day. It started off with no sleep last night. Then, I went to the hospital and was admitted…they immediately drew blood.. big fun. Then it’s IV time. On the 4th try they finally got it and I had tears rolling down my cheeks at this point.
I have bad veins.. can’t blame them, just my stupid body revolting on me yet again. 😉

Now we are prepping for surgery. I’m all marked up and ready to go. My port is coming out and he is also cutting off the scar to make a new cleaner one. TT is going bye bye (refer to earlier posts;) my other breast just needed to be less “pointy” 😉 and then on the radical mastectomy side a mass of skin was removed that was left over. So…. just a bunch of fun was had by all 😉

I woke up in agonizing pain, like usual and couldn’t get it under control. I was told by 3 different people that maybe I should “stay the night to receive meds.”
No way! I wasn’t staying. So, I took my pills and relaxed…. and eventually was ready to roll!

So, now I am home in bed with ice packs on my chest 🙂 Lets hope the medicine works… because I still have a 5 years party to finish up, and a Doctors appt. Friday with a doctor about my leg pain (chemo)

Thanks for all the prayers, lots of love!

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Surgery Update, and Mark Update

Well I’ve been having a pretty good time lately. Mark has been visiting and I’m trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Today we went to Maramec Springs, he spent time with John at the hospital, and we set off fireworks:) fun fun:) He is having such a good time, I’m sure going to miss him when he leaves:(

Update on surgery. Well, I met with my surgeon today and we set a date for July 15th. My chemo port will come out, my side breasts that were left after my mastectomy will be removed…. and thank the Lord TT is getting fixed! (please refer to earlier posts on what exactly a “TT” is;) haha. Let’s just say it’s a part of my body I wasn’t comfortable with and gave it this very funny nickname:) lol

I’m a little scared about the surgery, but hey who wouldn’t be. I remember a conversation I had with my dad after getting diagnosed, and starring down the barrel of a double mastectomy. He said “Jen, you need to start putting things in the rear view mirror.” and that motto has stuck ever since. So…. this is just another thing down and out of the way. But, down deep I’m still scared. It’s out patient, so that’s good….and he said my scars wouldn’t be too bad…also good. I just need to keep moving forward:) Here are some fun photos…my favorite is Mark wearing my wig! lol:) But also one of Mark standing infront of the Navy sign at a Veterans Park by my house. You can see in his face just how proud he is of his dad.

I’ve had a long night and am tired. Night all. xoxoxo

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Time to start looking forward….

Just some random thoughts….

So everyday, multiple times a day, my brain wants to take me to certain points in the past. Whether it was the day I got the news, the day of my surgery… or maybe even the day I cut off all my hair. I sit alone in my room and look at the photos on my phone. They are in chronological order, so it’s almost like a day by day of what was happening. I know this probably isn’t healthy, but I just can’t stop myself.

I’m not sure what I am even looking for. Do I just want to make myself sad? Do I want to torture myself by replaying these moments over and over again? Or….are these just moments in time that were part of my journey, and nothing to feel guilty about? I guess I don’t know the answer.

I wish there was a way to just wipe my brain clear of anything cancer related. It would make life so much easier. It really would. If I could just forget everything that has happened and just move on from this day forward. But is that what I truly want? Because it seems like I am always saying “I just want to be the old me again.” Maybe I’m not sure who I want to be. Is it the “old me” … or maybe even the “new better me?” Who the hell am I?

Whoever I am, I just need to keep working towards finding peace. Peace with everything that has happened, peace with myself and my looks, and peace with my life. I know in my heart I need to stop looking back. There is no way I can move on if I keep doing that. But then again this is me… these are photos of me….and my life… and I can’t hide from it. No matter how deep I bury these photos….they still exist.

Now, someone from the outside looking in would think that I mourn the loss of my breasts probably more than I do. Yes, I have awful scars and look disfigured… but, I swear most days I never even think about it. I don’t really think about that part of my body much, so it doesn’t really bother me. Now, somedays I may try on a old dress or top that now looks awful… but that doesn’t happen too often. I think my brain is too busy saying “those things just tried to kill you.” !!!!! So, I don’t go to a place of sadness, I go to a place of relief that I found it… and realize no, they didn’t kill me:) I won.

So, these are my random thoughts for the night. I’ll attach some of my favorite photos to look at. One is the day I found out and I had my mom take a picture at the kitchen table to remember… one is the day of my mastectomy and Sophie and I were sticking our tongues out…. and one of me the day I cut my hair. Oh… and one of Peanut just because it makes me laugh:) There are others, but these I go to the most for some reason. xoxo20130701-004046.jpg20130701-004112.jpg20130701-004222.jpg20130701-004315.jpg20130701-004323.jpg

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change….

So, tomorrow is the day. My Pet Scan. I lay in a chair very quiet without moving for an hour while they inject me with dye. I have no idea what it is made out of, but I do have to promise not to go to the Airport or the Fort for 48 hours or so after. Then I hop into a huge machine and do the only thing I knew to do last time….pray. The same words over and over again during the whole thing. Please God, have mercy on me.

This time I am looking for a sign that treatment is over… in January I was starring down the barrel of just beginning treatment. Ohhhh how far I’ve come. It’s weird, but even though my treatment is officially over…I still feel about the same. I’m scared. I’m more than scared….I’m petrified. I know what chemo is, and it’s something I never want to do again. Never. It ruined my life, and the after effects are continuing to ruin it. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…no one deserves that hell.

So, my next update will be a big one….stay tuned. Say a prayer for me if you have time:) XOXOXO

P.S.- this is not my tattoo, just a funny one from the internet 🙂

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Last chemo!

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