Not so good… but a silver lining.

So tonight wasn’t good. But, thank goodness it’s almost over. Most of the day I was in pain, and the last part of the day I was in tears. Mom was helping change my bandages when John walked in from work and took over. I cried through most of it. I cried on Johns shoulder and just needed to hear him say he loved me…. in probably the most vulnerable moment in my life. Standing there with no clothes on, blood soaked bandages and tears rolling off my face.

Mom ran me a bath so I could clean off a bit, but the tears wern’t far behind. I sat in the tub looking at my bandages and scars, and just couldn’t keep it together. Of course mom heard me, and came in like any great mother would. I leaned on her and cried my eyes out while she washed off my back. I really needed that.

I’m not sure what made me fall apart, but I have a guess. If I keep my body this way and have no reconstruction…this is it. This is what I’m left with. With the pain of these surgeries it makes me lean further and further away from any other surgery. I am tired of it.
I’m tired of the pain and the surgeries… and cancer. I just want it all to stop.

After everything today I am also so blessed. My mom and mother in law Pam worked their butts off today helping me get ready for Sophies party. My good friend Deeann brought everyone pie! yummo. And her wonderful husband is putting together Sophie’s birthday present tonight for me:) John and mom were also there for me just in the knick of time for my breakdown;) Overall, it’s a day I am ready to put past me.

Tomorrow is my baby girls 5th birthday and I need to see the brighter side of things:) 5 years ago I was so ready to meet her. I knew what her name would be, and couldn’t wait to see her. She was my Sophie Rose. Funny enough, it was my very first surgery ever- a C section. I was scared, but all that went away because I knew what gift I was about to get. The gift of new life:) She was worth it all…. and I think one day I’ll say the same about all the rest. These are the steps that I have to take to rid myself of cancer and raise my baby girls. I will do whatever is needed to stay here:) Thank you for all the prayers. xoxo




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