not sure what to really say…. It’s 1:50 in the morning and my mind is all over the place. For some reasons I’ll mention… and others I won’t. Tomorrow I meet with my Oncologist and we will go over my Meds and hopefully my lab results. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I may get my blood checked every month for the next 5 years…. sounds crazy. Although I’m not sure I’d want it any other way. The key to cancer in my mind is: find it early! So, if going once a month helps ease my mind… well it’s the least I can do:)

This has been a crazy month. The kids started back at school, I am an empty nester during the day for the first time in 10+ years…..and there are other family things going on. It’s stressfull on all who is involved and I’m really going to try to keep positive about my own life and issues. See, this year changed me. I would hope everyone would say for the better, but some may not. Myself, my husband, my kids and my family were dealt a reality this year none of us saw coming. I can’t even begin to put into words how Cancer changed everything… including me. Somedays I think, “if I can beat cancer, I can do anything!” And that is really how I feel. My children have been through hell… my husband has been through helll…. and I have been through hell. And now we are trying to find all the pieces and put them back together again. I think we are doing a pretty good job:) But, most of all… above all else… I’m really starting to feel better. I talk about cancer much less, and the more time I get past me when it comes to this the better. I’m happy about that:)

I can finally see through the fog.

But…… I need myself and my kids and my husband to stay in this happy place with me. With everything that is happening around us…. we can be supportive, we can be loving, but our goal is to keep US moving in a positive direction with love and positive energy. We have been through the darkest of times, and now I see the light. I’m not giving that up for anything.

Sometimes I want to sit and complain about all the time I lost when I was sick…. but then again I rejoice at the fact that God gave me a second chance…. and to enjoy every single day, because nothing in life is a guarantee. It’s sort of a back and forth motion on feelings.

I hope this year continues on a positive path for the 4 of us. I want to always strive to spend as much time with my kids as possible. They are young for such a short time, I want to embrace every single moment I can. Whether it’s a snuggle in bed watching tv, or playing in the hot tub…. I just want to see them smile and enjoy their young carefree lives. They are just kids.

I also want to make more time for my husband (that is not work related;) We get very little time alone, and it’s something we are always working on. Sometimes weeks and weeks go by and we are never away from the kids for a single second, and that’s tough. So, carving out more time just him and I needs to happen. We have to make US a priority. I want him to look at me each day the way he did 11 years ago when I walked down that isle:)

It is 2am… time to wrap things up:) Nothing in life is easy…. but I’m not sure it’s supposed to be. But, I will love my family till my last breath is taken. They can look back at this blog when they are older and realize one thing is for sure…. I am nothing without them. I fought this fight because I wasn’t done with them. I needed more time with them, and I would do whatever needed to be done to get to that Goal.

xoxo
night:)