Taking it from the top

As chemo winds down my brain wants to take to me to the wonderful land of No Cancerville. Oh what a great place it will be! But then again, is it?

I have no idea what life after cancer will be, because I’ve never had cancer before this. Does everything go back? Is this like Back to the Future and I can set my clock to January 15, 2013, the day before I found out I had cancer. Live my life like I lived it that day? Probably not a good day to pick as I was going over and over and over in my head the many ways I was going to get told I did indeed have cancer, or I am not the 5% that gets cancer under 40. But, anyhow the point is… who am I after this? Am I the same? Am I different? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? I have no answers.

All I can do is hope and pray and believe in my soul that I will get through this and beat cancers ass! That one day I will look back at my struggles and realize I had to do everything I did to save my life. Everything I gave up…had to be given up. That indeed every scar on my body was put their for a reason…to keep me here on Earth to live another day. It’s not an easy thing to accept. I’m still working on it.

So for now I will take each day as it is given and do the best I can. Try my hardest to get through this horrible time and see the light at the end of the tunnel. The chemo is doing everything in it’s power to shut me down, and what feels like kill me…but I won’t let it. On days when I can barely get out of bed, I know it is one more day behind me. And one day closer to remission.

I also still worry about reoccurance and so on, but I have to stop myself and learn to live in this momemt. I can’t worry about getting cancer again, when I have not yet defeated the cancer I have now.

I will end by saying…I don’t have all the answers, but I wish I did. 🙂

So, I knew ahead of time these last few chemos on this new drug would be hard…I just didn’t know how bad. I can tell my white count is low like
normal, but I just feel different…and that must be the low red count ontop of that. The whole weekend was shot to hell. I laid in bed, cried, ached, took baths…and that’s about it. It sucked.

More than anything I would have loved to go out to dinner with my family, or play a game with my girls…but that wasn’t going to happen. My body just couldn’t do it.

As the weeks turn into months I have to remind myself what a toll I am taking
on my body. What hell I am dragging it to and from. This isn’t easy. I am
trying to be strong for myself and my kids and my family…but truth be told, I am running out of steam. I’m not sure how much more I can take 😦

I was also super emotional this weekend. Every single thing would make me burst out in tears…and I have no clue why. I think it’s all just getting to me….and I’m exhausted over it.

Attached is a photo that makes me laugh, and I need a good laugh. Sophie and I at my wig fitting:)

So,I feel like crap. I went to the doctor yesterday and both my white and red blood cells are low…. and I can tell. I am weak, I am sore….and I’m super emotional. I think everyone gets to a point when they’ve had enough…and I am close. I am so over everything, and just want things back to normal. I feel like I am missing out on things right now because my body won’t cooperate, and that sucks.

I know, I know, just 2 left. From my mouth to Gods ears. My body has just taken such a beating throughout this I feel like waving the white flag and giving in. No one, unless they have been through this knows, knows how it feels. Right now I am under a heating blanket, with a cold wet rag on my forehead. Am I hot? Am I cold? I have no idea. Am I happy? Am I sad? I haven’t a clue. I could cry all day and all night and have every reason to do so.

Most of all right now I have guilt. Guilt over my mom staying so much
and I know she is missing her husband. Guilt over missing time with my kids
and husband…. it just never ends. And it sucks!

I just want to feel better…I just want to go back to being “me.”

So, tomorrow is chemo #6 of hopefully 8. Trust me it does not get any easier each time. Each morning before, I wake up sick to my stomach and would rather be anywhere else in the whole world besides chemo. It is no.fun.period.

Pretty soon I will start to broach the subject on what happens when I’m done, and how we know I truly am “done.” I also see my surgeon this week and pray everything goes well. Also that the lump under my mastectomy scar is the same size and hopefully still nothing to worry about.

Since all this has started I have turned into a person that worries…a lot. Everyday I am scared I will get a phone call or a letter in the mail with bad news. I’m scared almost daily….and that’s no way to live. I wish it was something I could easilly change, but sadly I can’t. Everyday I just try my best to think positively and pray for the best. That’s all I can do…that’s all anyone can really do.

Here are Sophies graduation photos I got today. It will be a year I’ll always remember and nothing made me happier than seeing her beautiful face:) All grown up and ready for Kindergarten.

yesterday, an important day:)

Yesterday was a very important day for John and I. It won’t completely make sense to everyone, but it doesn’t have to. It makes sense to us.

Before I go into details I will take you back to January 16th. As John and I sat holding hands in the surgeons office we were about to hear news that would change our life forever. Every single detail in our life would change. We were scared, we were sad, we were worried. As tears rolled down our faces in the office we barely spoke. I’m not even sure what we would have said if we could speak. We just looked at each other, listened to the doctor and went home.

As the weeks set in the wheels were in motion. I was going through my own emotions of my impending future and what that entailed. What would happen to my body just to rid myself of cancer and start to rebuild my life…actually to rebuild OUR life. I was losing both breasts and all my hair….and that was just the start.

This year John and I will have been married for 11 years. It means something to both of us that we took our vows….and we meant it. But to be perfectly honest I know this is not what he signed up for so many years ago. His wife having cancer at 32? Is that something anyone can prepare for? The answer is no.

This long drawn out story brings me to yesterday 🙂 After I was diagnosed and the reality truly set in, I think John felt helpless. He looked at me each day falling apart. From surgery, to recovery, to chemo, to puking and crying and so on. It was a lot. It still is a lot. He mentioned to me that he wanted to get a tattoo. This really took me off guard. I have 2 tattoos that we’ll just say was a little rebellion and a little not 😉 John is not a “tattoo” kind of a person. He is all business. He wears suits, and ties, and has 3 college degrees…. not something I necessarily affiliate tattoos with. After a few months he seemed to still be talking about it. He knew what he wanted. My cross that I have on my back with a pink cancer ribbon wrapped around it, and three roses to represent the girls and I. I thought it was a great idea and couldn’t believe he really still wanted to go through with it. Well, yesterday he did just that:)

It turned out perfect and was exactly what he wanted. As he sat there for hours all I could do was look at him. A million things running through my brain, but most of all how much I loved him. I didn’t make him do this. I never even asked. This was something he wanted to do just for me. The devotion he had towards me was a kind of love I had never experienced. I know what true love is. I saw it first hand and had a front row seat. This man loves me and would do anything for me. It was a day I will forever remember and hold close to my heart.

still sore and raw here is the 1st photo:)

So I went to the doctor yesterday and we talked about my last chemo and all the side effects from it. Unfortunately the numbing in my fingers, toes, and feet was not good. It usually doesn’t happen so fast after treatment, so the chemo drug needs to change. Next week is #6 of 8 treatments. We will change to a different drug that the side effects arn’t as bad. It usually is done every 3 weeks, but we will try every 2 and hope my body will hold up for the remaining treatments. If my blood count drops too low then we will have to go back to the drawing board. I am going to try and stay optimistic and not be negative.

Overall today I have had a lot of mixed feelings. I can see the finish line and it is such a good feeling. I am scared of reoccurance and think somedays I will live in fear for the rest of my life. As bad as I want all this to be over with, I also never want to deal with it again….ever. I’m not sure how realistic that really is. I’m only 32 and hope to have a long healthy life ahead of me. I just worry that the next time I won’t find the lump fast enough, or even worse I won’t find it at all. I guess once someone tells you that you have cancer nothing is really ever the same…I’m feeling that right now. On the flip side, I can’t help but feel overjoyed that with only 3 left this part of my journey is ending.

I have learned so much so far. I have learned who is important in my life, and who isn’t. This is the hardest thing I may deal with in my entire life and I needed to lean on others. I needed help, and couldn’t go through this alone. Some stepped up, and some didn’t. There are the ones that text me or call, or just make sure I’m doing okay and need anything. And the ones that I thought would text and check in on me…and they never did. I know now more than ever who is a true friend in my life, and who isn’t. When it comes to family, I feel like we have never been closer. My parents and my husband are my rock on a daily basis. My brothers and I became closer, my church family, and preschool family, my inlaws, and so on. This has been a very long process since January. Some have stuck around, and some haven’t. My heart is over joyed with the love I have felt. I could never thank everyone enough. 🙂

A very quick update to say I feel like crap and it’s not getting better. I am calling the doctor first thing in the morning. My fingertips, toes, and heels are totally numb. Which makes typing on my iphone very odd. I enjoyed being home with my family, but this was the hardest weekend yet. I can barely walk I am in so much pain. I’m not sure if it’s my joints, or my nerves, but no amount of Advil or pain meds is helping.

I want to be done with this so bad. I can see the finish line and I won’t allow anything to stand in my way….not even this pain.

My night ended good though. My husband sent me a very sweet text before bed. It may not sound like much, but it really showed me how much he cares for me and is sad I have to go through this. Just a few words in a text….but those words made the difference between going to bed sad, and going to bed feeling loved.

Still in a lot of pain. Can’t wait till Monday morning to call and make sure everything is okay. The numbness in my fingers and toes are killing me and the joint pain is just not letting up. Hopefully a good nights sleep will help.

A big thank you to my hubby for staying home and watching over me today:) This year marks 11 years of marriage and I wouldn’t want to spend my life with anyone else. He is my soul mate and God sent him to me to help me through this. xoxo

I haven’t posted much because of the immense pain I have been in. It is like nothing I have ever felt before. My fingertips and toes and parts of my feet are numb most of the time….and it feels as though someone may have run over my legs and knees with their car. I guess after chemo your body is trying to reproduce healthy white blood cells and this happens in the joints. I can barely sit still, I feel like needles are constantly being jabbed into my feet…and to make it all worse??? I can barely sleep or stand…or even sit comfortably. So, to sum it all up it is hell.

My mom is gone today taking her conceal carry class. Although I’d like her here to baby me all day, I’m glad she is taking the class and learning some good info.

Sometimes I feel like she has given up the most to help me get through this. We’re not talking about a few hours here and there…. this is months and months and months long. Her here helping take the kids to and from school… dinner …cleaning etc. It’s a lot, and I am so grateful. My dad also had to give up his wife for a bit….and I know that must be hard too. When I was first diagnosed I remember getting info I may need on a nurse or caretaker….maybe even a part time nanny. How all the things I use to be able to do for my family, I wouldn’t be able to do much longer. You cannot battle this disease alone. Today is proof. I am totally useless. I can literally do nothing and that sucks:(

So, I went to the Bond Clinic to start chemo at 9am and left at 3:30pm. It was a very long hard day. This drug is much much stronger and goes in very slow…that’s why it takes so long. I was totally exhausted when I was done. I was already on no sleep from taking my steroids at 3am anyways… but mom and I kept busy by watching Netflix on my iPhone:) Overall it is one more down and that’s all I can think of… just 3 more!

I did talk to my Oncologist about the lump I found under my mastectomy scar and said he was a bit worried…which made me worried 😦 I told him I’d rather not get another biopsy because the last one was wrong ( 96% accurate my ass;) And he agreed. If it comes down to it when my
surgeon removes some excess skin after chemo, this bump can be removed and looked at then. Part of me wants to totally freak out… part of me doesn’t.

Overall it was one of the hardest days of my life. It was so much in the IV I just wanted it to be over with. I was also told today about some bills that had finally started rolling in, and that made me nervous too. They mentioned a payment plan and we may try that. I found out on paperwork one boob was over $5,000 (the one w/cancer, where the other one was only $1,500) Wow what a steal! 🙂 This $850 bill was the first to come in since everything started with the biopsy, mammogram, ultrasound, lumpectomy, double mastectomy, chemo, etc. So, not too bad overall.

Hopefully with all the steroids I can still get some sleep. Wish me luck;)

Thank you to my mom today who stuck by me all day no matter how boring it was. My very good friend Mary who took Sophie to play at her house all day and took her to gymnastics (where another good friend surprised her) She has become such a wonderful friend to me and really steppes up in my time
of need:( love you:) Also to my hubby who dragged home a basketball hoop that will probably take hours to put together, but made the girls happy:) He also took me for a late night run to DQ because I hadn’t eaten all day. Love you babe.

Here are videos of my mom and I. I take a short one before each chemo. Here are the first 5: