Taking it from the top

For some reason today I feel as though I have taken a step back. Yesterday I was laughing and happy and enjoying life. Today, some sort of switch was flipped. Every second I opened my mouth to speak (even if it was a stranger) a tear couldn’t help but roll down my cheek. Some days I really feel like I can beat this, and others my mind gets in the way and says “maybe I can’t.”

It is hard to explain. Maybe my blog post should just be a bunch of empty lines and that is how I really feel. Just a blank page with nothing on it. I know in my heart I am blessed. I have had the most amazing
wonderful people around me who have done so many nice things for me. Like my mom. Every time I look at her, I think I am the luckiest lady in the world. She would switch places with me in a heartbeat if she could…that is what make a good mom.

That is not when my heart is heavy or sad… it is the moments when I am alone and all I have are my own thoughts. Tonight that has happened. Today I took a bath with no shirt on for the first time. I am a mess. I think I probably wasn’t ready, and it was in reality too soon. I was gross at what I saw. I am not me right now…atleast not with clothes off.

I am sad. I am scared. I am pissed off. I am angry. I feel defeated. I feel jipped. I feel wronged. I feel bitter. I feel ugly. I feel deformed. I feel stupid. I feel like less of a woman.

I am also scared waiting on my Genetic Tests to that come back. Part of it doesn’t really matter because my breasts are removed now. But, the other part of the Genetic Test says whether or not I need a hysterectomy. Now to some, it is just another surgery…but for me it is so much more.

I perceive a future where I am filling out a form of some kind. I grab my pen and paper and clipboard and begin the argues task of filling out the dreaded “forms” we all hate to do.

The first few questions are always the easy ones. But who knew—MALE or FEMALE would be a tricky one for me. It’s supposed to be one of the easy ones at the beginning of the form right???

But….since January 16^th that question is just not easy anymore. I have no breasts. I soon will have no hair. And maybe even eventually I’ll need to lose my reproductive organs too. What in the world am I???? I’m not even sure if my test comes back positive which Gender I am even closer too???? But, those are my internal issues that fill my brain from time to time.

I also get upset that I have screwed over my two daughters. They are perfect in every way and now because of me they have to have genetic tests run, and mammograms at 22. I don’t feel like they deserve that from me, and deserve better.

Some days I dream some Billionaire will see my blog and want to give me millions of dollars. Not that money fixes everything, or money makes things better…but my guess is it helps. I can tell my kids, husband, parents, in laws, brothers, family and so on I am sorry for all the extra stress this will cause them as they lay on a beach somewhere and sip Pina Coladas;) I’d rather give bad news while looking at the crystal clear water and white sand.:)

Maybe that conversation will be something I will remember in a positive way, instead of a sad disappointing way.

I feel like my genetics have failed me…and in turn one day may fail them too. I am so deeply sorry for that.

Because I promised John I will always end this on a positive note… here it is :

I love you John. I am nothing without you and my kids…and I would give up this fight tomorrow if it weren’t for you all. You are my light at the end of the tunnel…This photo was the day our family of 4 was born. I love this picture. 🙂

Dropped off some to Kaylees school and also the Bond Clinic. They have the greatest staff their and thats where my chemo will be. Kristin is probably reading this now 🙂 You are my favorite nurse.
So sweet and caring 🙂

Well, today I am in pain…again. Jeez I had both knockers taken off, so that’s bound to happen. I did get some really good news though! yeah!

FYI-when nurses call and say they have results its a good thing. They are not the ones to tell you the bad stuff. If they say “the doctor wants to see you at 4:30” …. uhhh ohh. You are in deep doo doo.

So, my favorite Nurse Krisitn called and said my pathology results were in. Please remember a few months ago I had to google what “pathology” even meant 🙂 haha . Since I left the hospital it felt as though my armpit was on fire. Today I found out why 🙂 15 lymph nodes were taken out and all came back negative.!!!! My oncologist said if it came back negative I wouldn’t need Radiation….so that’s a great thing!

I also showed no margins ( any areas where cancer cells may remain) after the mastectomy. The were there after the lumpectomy, but now they are gone! I also got some new meds, so that helps too tonight.

As I say all this I should have a huge smile on my face…. but I
don’t. Today was bandage change day. I stood there naked infront of my husband with my hands out holding my drains till it was all over. It was horrible, every single minute of it. Whatever use to be there , under my camisole… no longer was.

Just another day of living with cancer. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

oh yes something good for John…. I don’t need Radiation! yeah 🙂

So, let’s just get this out in the open…Cancer Sucks. I have a pretty good feeling I won’t be asked to speak in public, or write any articles regarding this. I am pretty much a loose canon.

Today I was uncomfortable. I have tubes, and drains , and bags, and blood, anything else you can think of.
On top of all this I apparently made it on God’s naughtly list and it was decided that I wasn’t nearly in enough agony and had to throw into the mix my monthly period. Just Freakin Great! Like I don’t have enough on my plate, or my self esteem wasn’t low enough. Wonderful.

I did clean up a bit today and that made me feel better ( John that’s about all you’ll get this time around) As days progress I feel like I am already missing things. What did Sophie have as a snack at lunch, or how did Kaylees class go? I have no idea. I am so wrapped up with cancer I feel like everything else will suffer.

For those who don’t me, I am a stay at home mom. Being a mom is my job and that’s what I do. I know everything about everything when it comes to my kids because thats my job to do. Now, what the hell am I? A stay at home
mom who doesn’t even do that job well now. I am sick, and I need to get better so I can go back to doing what I do best….Being a mom.

I could go on and on about how I feel about my husband, but it will probably embarress him. Let’s just say…things have changed. I know I can’t do the things I normally could, and even when I can, he will be looking at someone different.

11 years ago he walked down the isle and married a young girl with short brown hair, spunk, and size D breasts. Yes, I know that is not why he married me, but “it” was me. I’m not sure what I am now. A soon to be bald girl, covererd in scars with no breasts and maybe no reproductive organs either. My husband is wonderful and I know this is not how he feels. This is my blog, and my chance to speak my peace and how I feel.

There are two parts to cancer that I have realized. The part where you are trying to save your life, and the part where you react to what has been done to your body to accomplish the first.

Thursday I have an appt. with my surgeon at 4:00. Most wouldn’t think
twice, but I know damn well
any appt. that late in the day means they want the surgeon to see
you in person. Well, the last two times I had horrible news, and the last good news I had was calling in on the phone. Anyhow, I’ll worry anyway there is no real reason to stop that even if I wanted to.

It has been a long emotional day for me. I know there will be many more to come. John makes me say something good, so I will:

I texted my surgeons personal cell phone because I was in pain tonight and he called me 10 minutes later to help.I know this may be a smaller hospital we have here, but that kind of care is hard to find. I am proud to have him watch over me through this process.