Taking it from the top

Well here is my first update after surgery: It is 12:30 in the morning and I am still awake and unfortunately still in pain. I haven’t slept in a very long time and it’s starting to take its toll. I ended up having to get an epidural, problem is it doesn’t reach my armpit where the lymph nodes were taken out. I am still too scared to look down or look at the bandages or the drains. I just keep my eyes shut until they’re done Working on me. This is a long journey that had to start somewhere. As my dad would say I finally have something in the rearview mirror.

My husband John recently said I need to end each post was something positive, so here it is. I am grateful I am one step closer to being in remission. I also love my family and friends more than ever before:)

Well, the time as come. This will be my last post before the surgery. I’m not sure if I should be mourning my boobs or what? Do I say goodbye to them, do I wear a low-cut top one last time? lol As a woman, they are part of you…and they are about to go away. In reality I just haven’t been paying attention to them. Maybe if I don’t look, I won’t miss them huh?

All joking aside, I am scared. I keep telling everyone I am tired of having surgery and when i wake up all I have are scars. One of these days I better be recovering from something good! I better be nipped and tucked somewhere:) lol.

So, to my friends and family I love you and thank you for all your support and prayers. I added 2 photos of Sophie and I before I left. My family will also need prayers as we go through this together:) I will beat Cancer!

Well, its midnight and i officially can’t eat or drink till after my surgery. I have so many things on my mind. I tell my husband it’s like having multiple personalities. Half of my brain says “way to go, you found this early and will survive” and the other half says “why am I being punished? why me?” Tomorrow is a very big day in my life. It will change my life for eternity. I am sad I am losing my breasts and have no idea how I’ll feel without them. They make you a woman, and I won’t have them. On the other hand it will make it easier to do self exams etc. So, I’m torn. Well, better head off to bed tomorrow is a big day. Before I end I want my husband to know, and my family to know that they are everything to me. They are the reason I get up everyday and they are the reason I will fight this.

To my husband: I adore you. You are everything to me and there is no way I could do this without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This is true love John Marc.

To my kids: You are my world. I have loved you both since the moment I knew I was pregnant. You have brought so much joy into my life and I can’t breathe without you. I hope I can be half the mother my mom was because that would be amazing! I am always with you both.

To my mom & dad: Mom thank you for everything you did for me and will continue to do. There is no way I could beat cancer without you both. You showed me how to be a great parent and I am forever grateful. Dad, thank you so much for sacrificing and letting mom stay awhile to help. I know you will miss her, and it means so much.

Well, time for bed. xoxo

I feel like I am going to puke. I have triple negative breast cancer and I am so upset. It is the hardest to treat, highest chance of mortality, and highest chance of reoccurance. Oh and the cherry on the cake???? Oh yeah it has the highest chance to spread to the bones and lungs. I swear, can’t I get a damn break. What sort of Twilight Zone am I in??? Make this all go away please…someone.

If all this wasn’t enough stress, my toddler also has a stomach virus. On my 6th load of laundry and she has horrible diarrhea and vomiting. Oh, thats not too bad ..BUT because the shower is getting fixed the water in the house is shut off!!!!!!! I need something positive to happen so I don’t think someone has it out for me 😦

About to leave to meet the Oncologist and hear about my cancer. I feel like I could barf. I have no idea what this man is about to say and it scares me to death. How bad is it? What all do I have to do so I can survive this? Why me? I just want this all to be over with. I would think having my boobs taken away at 32 was punishment enough… but I doubt it.

You would think that having cancer and preparing to have both boobs taken off the next day would be enought stress? Apparently not. My day started off with my little one throwing up in my bed. Then the plumber shows up to fix the shower and has to rip down half a wall because of the improper way it was put in. And the the icing on the cake… waiting on hold for 55 minutes on tech support because our internet doesn’t work. What the hell else could go wrong??? seriously. Haven’t I had enough?

Well, it’s been six days since the bomb was dropped. Today was better. I’m in a better place. I took my mom to the spa this morning for a pedicure. I needed to do something to take my mind off of things for a bit, and this helped. It also helped my mom was there too. I have so many feelings about all this when it comes to her. She has helped me through this, and she will be with me daily to help with my recovery. I know she wants to do it, and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else… but I still feel bad. At 32 I still need her to take care of me, and that just seems wrong. What a total mess this is. My mom is one of my best friends in the entire world. I so hated the fact that I had to come home a few days ago and say those 3 dreaded words. I know she is scared too, she’s just too strong to show it.

My mom and I haven’t always gotten along. What teenage girl and their mom do? But, after I got married and started having children things changed. I became a grown-up, and no longer a child. A big turning point was when my grandma died. I swear it feels like yesterday. My mom adored her, and as I grew into a woman, I in turn adored her too. She was everything to us, and when she died a piece of us died with her. We leaned on each other, and became close friends. Even best friends.

So maybe today is a day to reflect. I adore my kids, my husband, and my family more than anything. There is nothing I won’t do for them…that includes beating Cancer too 🙂