Update: trying to keep my head above water.

So much has happened…but sadly I will have re-cap another time. Chemo was the gift that kept on giving…and because of the neuropathy and a playful 5 year old;) ….. I broke my hand in a nasty fall. So, typing left handed is not easy. I miss blogging, and hopefully will feel good enough to catch everyone up real soon.

I am very emotional these days….and feel like it’s all bottled up inside me. Because I broke my hand I had to reschedule my fertility appt in St. Louis that I had been waiting months and months to get into to. The people in Kmart must have thought I was crazy when I burst into tears in the Halloween candy isle when the nurse called to verify my appt the next day.

I told John earlier today (in a tearful sad text) that I feel like I am swimming, and everytime I feel like I can come up for air….something pushes me back under again. I am trying so hard to get back on my feet…I feel like I am working in reverse.

Anyhow….I’ll save the pity party for another day when I can write more and explain. Since I can’t write very much, I’ll do the only thing I know to do….post photos:) I can catch everyone up on what’s going on lately without killing my hand💜Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this and share in my journey.
XOXOXO

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Rainbow Rosie Sally

So, I forgot a few important “hair” photos yesterday. At a time when I had no clue how to explain to Sophie (4 years old) about cancer and what was about to happen. I made the choice to take Sophie to get my wig, and make it a fun thing. It was just that:) She named my wig and it turned something heart wrenching into a day I will never forget. Kaylee was 9 at the time and this conversation was something she could grasp, even if it was just a tiny bit….I could try to explain things to her. Sophie at 4 years old just couldn’t. I sat Kaylee down, and with tears streaming down my face I promised to do everything in my power to beat this demon. She didn’t have many questions, but I knew when she was ready, she would ask them. But….. a 4 year old? How could I ever begin to explain it to her? So, I did the best I could….and that was it. My mom, Sophie and I headed to the wig shop…and these pictures followed:) Some fun pictures of me and my family wearing my wig too:enjoy

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Hair it is;)

So, with my birthday coming up soon I could get all emotional about how grateful I am to even have a birthday this year…..but I’m not quite ready to get all emotional right now. Another day maybe;) but not today.

Today I thought it would be funny to post all the pictures I have saved on my phone of my hair growing:) lol. It is a true representation on how slowly hair does grow:) Enjoy.

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Think before Pink

Think before you PINK. This year is very different for me than years before. As of October 1st Pink is literally everywhere! If you buy something “Pink” that is branded for Breast Cancer please do your research and make sure your money is going where you think it should. Don’t get caught up in it just because it’s “Pink” and says Breast Cancer. Be a knowledgeable consumer:) If you want to donate I can list off some wonerful charities that are making a difference! WRFTC is one of them:) My weekend retreat with other young survivors changed my life.
xoxoxo

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Nashville Woman Rock For The Cure Retreat!

Women Rock for the Cure Retreat Update:

So, this will be a long post:) Everyone is asking how my retreat in Nashville went…and it was amazing! So much more than I ever thought it would be. I was so nervous about going and I’m not exactly sure why. These are my peers…they get me…they have all walked in my shoes…what is there to be scared of? I guess I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to deal with the emotional baggage that “is cancer” in a group setting. Most days I am crying or cursing, and I’m not sure if that is the “norm”‘or not.

So, I get there and it was really quite exciting. There are seminars, speakers, info, open discussion, and so on. For the first time since being diagnosed, I don’t feel alone. This is a Young Survivors Retreat and most of these women have a life very similar to mine. Certain times I open up and ask questions, other times I just want to sit and listen. We are all at different points in our treatment, and unfortunately at just a few months out I wasn’t feeling as good as I’d hoped. My leg numbness is no better, and some days it takes every bit of my energy just to get up and walk. I do not feel my feet when I walk and it is quite painful. So…. the bathtub at the retreat center was my friend:)

At some points it was very emotional…and other points it was very light-hearted and fun. We made music, listened to great music (had 3 song writers come and sing their music to us) had a make-up class, and just acted like girls at summer camp;) But…then there were also moments of tears.

I realized I had so much anger towards cancer I never thought of before. As I spoke about how angry I was at what cancer took from me….the tears came out. I was very very angry and upset about what this horrible thing did to me, my body, my family, my marriage…and my life. I didn’t feel like I deserved any of it…but, I was in a room full of women that didn’t deserve it either. I wasn’t alone. For once I could ask someone a question and relate to their answer. I am 32. I have small children at home and a life very different than a person in their 50’s or 60’s. Yes, we have similarities, but the women here were dealing with every issue I was…and it felt good to have peers. Having “peers” was a first for me.

I always knew I was angry at cancer, but I never realized the extent. In my mind I would act out a story that portayed a women who was going about her day to day life and then all the sudden she is walking and someone pulls out a gun and points it to her head. She is scared, she is taken off guard…but she listens and does whatever she has to do to escape with her life….and nothing more. She is told she must do certain things that will be horrible and painful, and scar her for life…but if she does them…she will be set free. So, she does it. She does everything she is told….and she lives. But she is forever scarred, she is forever changed, and she is forever scared it will happen again. That is what I felt, and for the first time I could put the right words to the right feelings.

But, it was a sadness and an anger I knew I had to let go of. I had to heal and move on, and stop being scared. This weekend helped me with that. I asked our group leader if there was a point at the retreat where we could “burn shit.” 🙂 And what I meant, was for me I had to write down my feelings of anger…and finally let them burn away and be gone. Everyone thought the idea was great, and we all did just that. We burned some “shit.” 🙂 And it felt good!

I felt so much love from the fellow Survivors, but also from all the staff and people working with WRFTC. They were so caring and loving and you could tell they do this each year because they want to, not because they have to. I have never ever felt that kind of generosity before….it was like Christmas for cancer patients at some points. We left with so many treats and gifts it was like nothing I had ever experienced. I couldn’t believe so many people wanted to help us, and treat us to all these nice things:)

So, the weekend was life changing. I let go of a lot and dealt with many emotions I stuffed down deep inside. I think if I ever had the chance to come back, I would be a different person. At some points in your life you are a “giver” and some times you are a “taker.” This retreat I was more of a “taker.” I listened, I kept to myself at times, and didn’t always participate in activities. I just took in the info and had my space to deal with it. Next time I feel I would be a bit more open and have the chance to “give” more to the group. My wounds were still fresh, and that held me back.

So, to wrap things up it was wonderful. There are not many moments in life where you can say something was “life changing,” but this was one of them. I could never repay them or tell them enough the gratitude I feel. It was the gift of a lifetime. It also allowed me to let go a bit and realize my girls would be just fine without me for a few days:) I very rarely ever leave them for the night, so it was hard. But, John made sure my babies were well taken care of:)

I couldn’t be more grateful. It was something I needed to move on from, and start the journey to healing. I realized Cancer does Suck…but I am never alone. I will never give up on this fight, and I will never allow it to have power over me. God is in control, and my faith is strong enough to know He will never lead me down a path I cannot handle. I may need a little help along the way;) but it is a journey I will never take alone.

Women Rock For The Cure is an amazing organization that I will forever have love for. Here is their site to learn more or Donate:

http://womenrockforthecure.org/

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Retreat…

Flight delayed twice… waiting at terminal for flight to Nashville.
AC not working properly in Airport…. and my carry on bathroom items in my ziploc had a spill and ruined everything in the bag…. no worries replacememt toothpaste etc ran me $38…. jeez! This is not starting well. Hope this is not a sign from God?

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Nashville

Today I leave for my breast cancer retreat in Nashville. I’m excited to go, but scared at the same time.

I miss my family already:(

Will update later… for now I am making signs to leave all over the house to surprise the girls:) I even got them a little gift they will have to treasure hunt to find in the house somewhere:)

ps- also adding a picture of Sophie in her Halloween Costume. Got it for a steal! yeah! Kaylee is going to be a cupcake and it will be a whole sweet treat Halloween Family:)

xoxo

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