Taking it from the top

Just got the good news I can leave at 11:30 from the ICU and head home. I’m still in quite a bit of pain, but I will be happy to be in my own bed tonight. It’s also the realization that chemo is just around the corner and how hard and difficult that will be to get through. I don’t know much about it, and I’m just not ready to look into it. I had a port implanted under my skin during surgery that they will use during the treatments for access.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to help us so far. There should be enough upbeat info in this post to satisfy John 😉

well today was awful. my bandages had to changed and it was overwhelming. I kept my eyes closed and didn’t look at anything. Then my epidural came out today and i was in pain. Catheter also came out, so that’s good (see John…a good thing:)

Beyond the dressings coming off and scaring me to death, a nurse came in (not my nurse.) and scared me worse. telling me a story about a friend who is 30 and terminal from breast cancer and chooses alternative methods. That doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is she just told someone who is 32 and just found out they have cancer a week ago that “hey I know someone with breast cancer who is young, and yeah she’s terminal.” What? I need stories that uplift. Stories of hope!

I love having visitors in the hospital.It sort of keeps my mind off of things and this Sicilian girl loves to chit chat 🙂 It’s hard to explain unless you have cancer. I want to hear upbeat stories. Stories of trial and tribulation…but ALL with happy endings. At least for now.

Now onto the happy part:) I have great family and friends that I saw today. So much fun:) My surgeon even stopped by on his day off and said I looked great. It’s the small victories!

My icing on the cake today? The sweetest joys I have had, and will ever have????? My kids:) 🙂 🙂 There was no happier moment than seeing their faces running into my hospital room:) I love them and adore every moment God gives me with them:)

That is how I feel. This is a battle everyday, and everyday brings new feelings. I am mad, I am angry, and I am pissed. I don’t feel like I deserve any of this. I am a good person. I go to Church, I love me family, I always lend a hand, I am a nurturer.

Why are all these feelings being brought up you may ask??? Because I am the third youngest person in the ICU right now. Which was maybe suppose to make me feel better…till I asked a question ???

“Are they sick?” “No, one is a drug addict and one is an alcoholic.” I should have known by the young screams I heard in the middle of the night. Just great when I’m trying to sleep!

WTH??? So today I am bitter, and it’s best I stay in my room and have no contact with any roommates. Yesterday I was so upbeat..whatever.

Okay John.. end on a good note??? let me think….wow, today I am really grasping at straws…. okay I have one :

I am thankful I love my family and friends and they haven’t pissed me off yet 🙂

…actually not really, I just liked that it rhymed:) Today was tough…point blank. I have been eeking closer and closer to looking down at what’s happening to my body, but I still haven’t mustered up the strength. Today I am very sore all over. I feel like I was in a boxing match with Mike Tyson…lost…and I don’t mean an ear. Just very very very sore. I feel a bit more upbeat today, so we’ll consider that my good comment of the day John. 🙂 I just wish the surgery was punishment enough. Right now it doesn’t seem fair at all.

I cry everytime a nurse, LPN, or staff member walks in my room. They look at me and look so sad. Why are you here, you look so young? Then I say the 3 dreaded words I heard for the first time 9 days ago…then they look sad too. “I wish I could do something to make you feel better” they say. So sweet, so kind, so caring…just not a magician, nor own a time machine. Someone who magically make this all dissapear or travel back in time.

My positve thought I promised:

To spread the word of breast cancer… For any age, any race and any sex. No one is exempt.

Well my pain was terrible in the middle of the night. I have slept less than 80 minutes since my surgery. I also didn’t eat or sleep the night before surgery either. So, it’s all taking it’s tole.

I also laid my icepack over my chest last night and started bawling. It was flat…totally flat. There is reality showing her nasty face again:(

John says I can’t end without saying something positive each time… huh…let me think…2 days of no sleep and I really gotta think here. ??? Well, I get to see my girls tonight:) They really arn’t allowed in the ICU, but my father in law promised he could smuggle them over across the border:)

Well here is my first update after surgery: It is 12:30 in the morning and I am still awake and unfortunately still in pain. I haven’t slept in a very long time and it’s starting to take its toll. I ended up having to get an epidural, problem is it doesn’t reach my armpit where the lymph nodes were taken out. I am still too scared to look down or look at the bandages or the drains. I just keep my eyes shut until they’re done Working on me. This is a long journey that had to start somewhere. As my dad would say I finally have something in the rearview mirror.

My husband John recently said I need to end each post was something positive, so here it is. I am grateful I am one step closer to being in remission. I also love my family and friends more than ever before:)

Well, the time as come. This will be my last post before the surgery. I’m not sure if I should be mourning my boobs or what? Do I say goodbye to them, do I wear a low-cut top one last time? lol As a woman, they are part of you…and they are about to go away. In reality I just haven’t been paying attention to them. Maybe if I don’t look, I won’t miss them huh?

All joking aside, I am scared. I keep telling everyone I am tired of having surgery and when i wake up all I have are scars. One of these days I better be recovering from something good! I better be nipped and tucked somewhere:) lol.

So, to my friends and family I love you and thank you for all your support and prayers. I added 2 photos of Sophie and I before I left. My family will also need prayers as we go through this together:) I will beat Cancer!

Well, its midnight and i officially can’t eat or drink till after my surgery. I have so many things on my mind. I tell my husband it’s like having multiple personalities. Half of my brain says “way to go, you found this early and will survive” and the other half says “why am I being punished? why me?” Tomorrow is a very big day in my life. It will change my life for eternity. I am sad I am losing my breasts and have no idea how I’ll feel without them. They make you a woman, and I won’t have them. On the other hand it will make it easier to do self exams etc. So, I’m torn. Well, better head off to bed tomorrow is a big day. Before I end I want my husband to know, and my family to know that they are everything to me. They are the reason I get up everyday and they are the reason I will fight this.

To my husband: I adore you. You are everything to me and there is no way I could do this without you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This is true love John Marc.

To my kids: You are my world. I have loved you both since the moment I knew I was pregnant. You have brought so much joy into my life and I can’t breathe without you. I hope I can be half the mother my mom was because that would be amazing! I am always with you both.

To my mom & dad: Mom thank you for everything you did for me and will continue to do. There is no way I could beat cancer without you both. You showed me how to be a great parent and I am forever grateful. Dad, thank you so much for sacrificing and letting mom stay awhile to help. I know you will miss her, and it means so much.

Well, time for bed. xoxo

I feel like I am going to puke. I have triple negative breast cancer and I am so upset. It is the hardest to treat, highest chance of mortality, and highest chance of reoccurance. Oh and the cherry on the cake???? Oh yeah it has the highest chance to spread to the bones and lungs. I swear, can’t I get a damn break. What sort of Twilight Zone am I in??? Make this all go away please…someone.