Taking it from the top

Sadly this morning hasn’t gone as well.
I want to get out of this house so bad, and can’t. My body has let me down, and it seems unfair.

Sophie threw up in my bed from a tummy ache in the middle of the night, & my husband is on my last nerve, and it’s barely 9:30 in the morning. Here’ to hoping the day starts looking up!

https://takingitfromthetop.com/

Today was a big turning point for me. For the first time since I was diagnosed I felt like me again. The real me, not the newer sicker me. It was WONDERFUL! I still had a few moments of tears today, but overall I was optimistic. That is something I haven’t seen in awhile.

See cancer is a crazy thing. It can make your mind take you to your lowest low…and your highest high. All in a split second. My morning was mostly spent complaining that I can’t leave the house at all. I woke up pissed, and felt I’d probably be that way the rest of the day. Now, this is where things get interesting…. Then all the sudden as I cleaned the house, and did chores I was allowing my brain to finally focus on something else. It worked! I wasn’t thinking about chemo in a few days, or anything really. It was great 🙂

Later in the day is when I started showing signs of optimism. I was looking at John and I said “Hey guess what, after this week I only have 6 chemo treatments left.” Where the hell did that come from???? I have no idea. I decided to see my glass half full instead of half empty and that hasn’t happened in a really long time. It felt good:)

I also gave my husband 2 or 3 amazing hugs tonight. It was everything I could have ever wanted or needed. At first I did think about my breasts not being there, and then all the sudden I realize it only means I could hold him closer 🙂

I realize that sometimes my mind is all over the place. Cancer can bring out so many emotions and actions you’d never dream about. You can be everything from mad, to pissed, to angry, to hurt, to sad, to grateful, to loving, to happy, to peacful. Every single spectrum of emotion. But, the funniest part is…. it’s okay to be any, all, or some of those things. No one will judge you when you have cancer and feel those feelings. Maybe even some sort of rite of passage:) So, who knows what tomorrow brings, but today was alright in my book. Chat more tomorrow:)

Here is a photo taken the night I was diagnosed. I was so scared. I feel like I have come along way since January 16th at 5:15pm 🙂

I’m all alone this morning for the first time in awhile. The house is totally silent. No husband, no mom, no kids fighting… just me and my thoughts.

So I decide to take a quiet hot shower listening to a favorite song of mine “Pinks, Just give me a reason.” (it’s actually playing now while typing;) I cry through most of my 45 min shower and I have no clue why. On a positive note: John take notice. I have another day with my hair, so that’s a positive thing. The ritual is as follows.

step 1:
Go into bathroom and turn on shower. Turn off most lights.

step 2: undress in the dark away from the small mirror with doors that was installed recently.

step 3: take off my clothes without really looking down whatsoever. Jump in shower.

step 4: Looking straight ahead lather up as loosey goosey as possible trying not to really notice what area is being touched. Just.Get.Clean.

step 5: Pour a small amount of shampoo into my hand and lather my locks. At this point it’s important to remember not to do the (is my hair falling out test, that comes later) Just wash and rinse. Again, not much touching.

step 6: Test time. Run my hands gently through my hair and do the “tug” test. I grab my wet hair and tug gently. Then I bring my hand around to my face and quietly whisper The Lord’s Prayer and pray for a miracle. (today I passed the test and live another day with hair!)

step 7: I turn off the shower and just stand there for a bit. Facing forward I grab a towel and dry off as fast and as quick as possible. Trying especially hard not to touch anywhere in my breast area. I don’t want to feel scars etc. So it’s best to avoid. I always bring clothes into the bathroom now. Something I never did before. I start to get dressed and just space off while doing this. I get buttoned up as much as I can and dry my remaining locks 4 feet from the small mirror. It’s really short…no need to look anyway;)

step 8: I’m done.

So when they say Cancer changes everything, please remember it sure as heck does. That’s just a shower, you should see my routine for “actually going out and seeing people.” It’s much crazier.

Fo me right now avoidance fits me well. I’m going to go with that for awhile longer. 🙂