Taking it from the top

Today is going to be long and horrible. Someome please knock me into a coma till the day… slash that….2 months….is over 😦

Just found out I am BRAC 2 positive. Atleast it gives me some answers on why I probably got breast cancer. (84% chance when BRAC 2 positive) It also means I need to have my ovaries out when I know we are done having children. My parents will both be tested now to see which one I need to blame 😉 lol

Tonight was not good. While hovering over the toilet throwing up yet again I just burst into tears. I had a weak moment of exhaustion and was just over this whole thing. I think every cancer patient has these days and it’s just part of the package. I was happy my mom wasn’t here because in moments like this she would have stayed and never went home again;) She is a nurturer by nature and that is a wonderful quality I got from her.

In my moment of weakness and tears my husband and girls came to my rescue. It meant everything to me. Sophie jumped into my lap and hugged me for over 15 minutes. She didn’t say a word just looked at me, kissed my forehead, and hugged me more. Kaylee brought in a drawing she had been working on. She is very artistic and it’s always her way of showing love. My mother in law even ran to Walgreens late just to get my prescription even after working a long hard day.

So all in all, the tears have dried and I have many reasons to be thankful. 🙂

So, today was an interesting day. Yesterday I felt pretty good and decided to send my mom home today for rest knowing my next chemo would be tough and she would have to stay longer. Literally hours after she leaves I barf….then go on the deck and barf even more. After hosing off the mess, it caused me to be late get Kaylee from school and feel like a piece of crap. 😦 I apparently can’t function without a full-time caretaker. Part of me is so pissed off. Why can’t I get a break??? Even a day or two of normalcy would go a long way about now. Oh well.

Earlier today I had an appt. with a genetic counselor who gave me an 82% chance of being brac1 or 2 positive. Which means my ovaries have to come out at some point and I am no longer considered “general population” for anything ever again. I learned quite a bit about genetics and how either my mom or dad passed this to me…which means one of their parents passed it to them so on and so forth. What I didn’t realize is the lengths it is passed on. Lets say my mom passed it to me there is a 50% chance she would then pass it to my brother, which could be passed to his kids and their kids etc. and this is how it goes. It also means my mom or dad is positive and that has its own problems. My mom is at a very high risk of breast and ovarian cancer, and my dad at a much higher risk or prostate cancer etc. The problem is we don’t know which one. So, it was a lot to take in at once. Both my girls have a 50% chance of being positive as well, and don’t get me started on my feelings towards that. The counselor listed all the things they would have to deal with and it was lengthy. I pray to God I am negative and all this gets wiped away. She said then the reason for my cancer would be “unknown” because I am triple negative.

Overall it was a long exhausting day. Ready to feel better and have a good weekend:) From my mouth to Gods ears.

Here is a photo of Sophie before her preschool graduation photos today. My babies are growing up:(

Here is also a picture of the street sign of the street I grew up on. A tornado hit it yesterday and was very sad:( It’s all over the news and is depressing to watch.

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So I had my weekly appt. with the oncologist today. White blood was at 1.9, so better than I thought. I puked once there and couldn’t wait to get home and get on my jammies again.

I was told all about my next chemo where we switch drugs of Taxol.
It.was.not.good. Lets see I have to take 5 steroids at 7pm the night before chemo, and 5 more at 3am before. Sounds like fun right? Oh and to add to all the fun the Taxol takes 2-3 hours to go into the IV. Lets not forget about the hour of pre meds.

So today was crappy yet again. Keep looking for the silver lining…must need to shine a bit brighter I guess for me to see it. I wanted to give an honest take on cancer…this is as honest as it gets. Cancer sucks…period.

Well overall this weekend sucked. I felt terrible. I have no clue why, but this was the worst weekend since starting chemo over 2 months ago. I had a stomach ache , I was sore , my joints were achy…and overall felt like crap. I feel like the whole weekend was wasted on me not feeling well and that’s not fair. I wanted to be out and about and enjoy the great weather…but no, I was cuddled up to a heating blanket stuck in bed. Just another reason cancer sucks, and it can ruin everything. 😦

This week I have 3 doctors appts which I am not looking forward too. Hopefully I will start feeling better and that will cheer me up.

I love my family and hopefully I can spend some quality time with them this week. 🙂

I have no clue why, but this has been my hardest chemo & shot after ever! I can barely function. I have been in bed all day. I am on my 4th cup of ice chips and that’s all I’ve tried to eat allday.

My joints hurt the worst. When I stand up I can feel my knee caps rolling in the joints. It is the weirdest feeling. So, for the most part I am staying in bed. I even had Kaylees teacher from last year bring her home from school because I couldn’t drive.

I sent my mom home today because she needed the break. She would have stayed if I asked, but I know she needs to go home and re charge her batteries. I can’t thank her enough for all she has done….and will continue to do.

Well, I better get back to resting.

Cancer.is.no.fun 😦

Days like today I realize I couldn’t function without my mother here. For some reason this last chemo has knocked me down. My white blood cells were at 3.3 and hadn’t bounced back like they use to.

I feel terrible. From the momemt I got home my whole body was sore and I was sick to my stomach. Nothing has changed and I feel just as crappy today:(

I thank God everyday that my mom is here. I couldn’t do it without her help. She is my rock while John is at work and can’t be with me. I’m lucky to have all the wonderful people in my life that I do:)

Well, I have a lot of things on my mind tonight. Tomorrow marks the 2 month marker for chemo and my halfway mark if everything goes as planned. 4 treatments down, 4 to go. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. After this treatment my chemo drug will change to something stronger that will require steroids to be taken during. I’m scared about that.

The other things are more emotional and I won’t go into that here. All I will say is cancer is hard. It’s hard on yourself, your spouse, your kids, your family and so on. From the moment I heard the words “you’ve got cancer”
things have changed. I wish most days I could just go back in time and change it all. I don’t want this for myself, or anyone else for that matter.

I just want to go back and just be me. Something that is impossible to do.

I will end on a good note and say that my faith has really helped me through this. I trust in the Lord that it will all be okay in the end. That He has has some plan for me I just don’t know about. My faith has taught me to love myself for what I am on the inside, and not my reflection in a mirror.

1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.