Category Archives: Love

Think before Pink

Think before you PINK. This year is very different for me than years before. As of October 1st Pink is literally everywhere! If you buy something “Pink” that is branded for Breast Cancer please do your research and make sure your money is going where you think it should. Don’t get caught up in it just because it’s “Pink” and says Breast Cancer. Be a knowledgeable consumer:) If you want to donate I can list off some wonerful charities that are making a difference! WRFTC is one of them:) My weekend retreat with other young survivors changed my life.




Nashville Woman Rock For The Cure Retreat!

Women Rock for the Cure Retreat Update:

So, this will be a long post:) Everyone is asking how my retreat in Nashville went…and it was amazing! So much more than I ever thought it would be. I was so nervous about going and I’m not exactly sure why. These are my peers…they get me…they have all walked in my shoes…what is there to be scared of? I guess I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to deal with the emotional baggage that “is cancer” in a group setting. Most days I am crying or cursing, and I’m not sure if that is the “norm”‘or not.

So, I get there and it was really quite exciting. There are seminars, speakers, info, open discussion, and so on. For the first time since being diagnosed, I don’t feel alone. This is a Young Survivors Retreat and most of these women have a life very similar to mine. Certain times I open up and ask questions, other times I just want to sit and listen. We are all at different points in our treatment, and unfortunately at just a few months out I wasn’t feeling as good as I’d hoped. My leg numbness is no better, and some days it takes every bit of my energy just to get up and walk. I do not feel my feet when I walk and it is quite painful. So…. the bathtub at the retreat center was my friend:)

At some points it was very emotional…and other points it was very light-hearted and fun. We made music, listened to great music (had 3 song writers come and sing their music to us) had a make-up class, and just acted like girls at summer camp;) But…then there were also moments of tears.

I realized I had so much anger towards cancer I never thought of before. As I spoke about how angry I was at what cancer took from me….the tears came out. I was very very angry and upset about what this horrible thing did to me, my body, my family, my marriage…and my life. I didn’t feel like I deserved any of it…but, I was in a room full of women that didn’t deserve it either. I wasn’t alone. For once I could ask someone a question and relate to their answer. I am 32. I have small children at home and a life very different than a person in their 50’s or 60’s. Yes, we have similarities, but the women here were dealing with every issue I was…and it felt good to have peers. Having “peers” was a first for me.

I always knew I was angry at cancer, but I never realized the extent. In my mind I would act out a story that portayed a women who was going about her day to day life and then all the sudden she is walking and someone pulls out a gun and points it to her head. She is scared, she is taken off guard…but she listens and does whatever she has to do to escape with her life….and nothing more. She is told she must do certain things that will be horrible and painful, and scar her for life…but if she does them…she will be set free. So, she does it. She does everything she is told….and she lives. But she is forever scarred, she is forever changed, and she is forever scared it will happen again. That is what I felt, and for the first time I could put the right words to the right feelings.

But, it was a sadness and an anger I knew I had to let go of. I had to heal and move on, and stop being scared. This weekend helped me with that. I asked our group leader if there was a point at the retreat where we could “burn shit.” 🙂 And what I meant, was for me I had to write down my feelings of anger…and finally let them burn away and be gone. Everyone thought the idea was great, and we all did just that. We burned some “shit.” 🙂 And it felt good!

I felt so much love from the fellow Survivors, but also from all the staff and people working with WRFTC. They were so caring and loving and you could tell they do this each year because they want to, not because they have to. I have never ever felt that kind of generosity before….it was like Christmas for cancer patients at some points. We left with so many treats and gifts it was like nothing I had ever experienced. I couldn’t believe so many people wanted to help us, and treat us to all these nice things:)

So, the weekend was life changing. I let go of a lot and dealt with many emotions I stuffed down deep inside. I think if I ever had the chance to come back, I would be a different person. At some points in your life you are a “giver” and some times you are a “taker.” This retreat I was more of a “taker.” I listened, I kept to myself at times, and didn’t always participate in activities. I just took in the info and had my space to deal with it. Next time I feel I would be a bit more open and have the chance to “give” more to the group. My wounds were still fresh, and that held me back.

So, to wrap things up it was wonderful. There are not many moments in life where you can say something was “life changing,” but this was one of them. I could never repay them or tell them enough the gratitude I feel. It was the gift of a lifetime. It also allowed me to let go a bit and realize my girls would be just fine without me for a few days:) I very rarely ever leave them for the night, so it was hard. But, John made sure my babies were well taken care of:)

I couldn’t be more grateful. It was something I needed to move on from, and start the journey to healing. I realized Cancer does Suck…but I am never alone. I will never give up on this fight, and I will never allow it to have power over me. God is in control, and my faith is strong enough to know He will never lead me down a path I cannot handle. I may need a little help along the way;) but it is a journey I will never take alone.

Women Rock For The Cure is an amazing organization that I will forever have love for. Here is their site to learn more or Donate:













Today I leave for my breast cancer retreat in Nashville. I’m excited to go, but scared at the same time.

I miss my family already:(

Will update later… for now I am making signs to leave all over the house to surprise the girls:) I even got them a little gift they will have to treasure hunt to find in the house somewhere:)

ps- also adding a picture of Sophie in her Halloween Costume. Got it for a steal! yeah! Kaylee is going to be a cupcake and it will be a whole sweet treat Halloween Family:)




Rock For the Cure

These are part of the wonderful people that raise money so we can go on the retreat to Nashville. Thank You

Martina singing a song dedicated to breast cancer with some retreat members in it:)

Can’t sleep, must write:)

not sure what to really say…. It’s 1:50 in the morning and my mind is all over the place. For some reasons I’ll mention… and others I won’t. Tomorrow I meet with my Oncologist and we will go over my Meds and hopefully my lab results. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I may get my blood checked every month for the next 5 years…. sounds crazy. Although I’m not sure I’d want it any other way. The key to cancer in my mind is: find it early! So, if going once a month helps ease my mind… well it’s the least I can do:)

This has been a crazy month. The kids started back at school, I am an empty nester during the day for the first time in 10+ years…..and there are other family things going on. It’s stressfull on all who is involved and I’m really going to try to keep positive about my own life and issues. See, this year changed me. I would hope everyone would say for the better, but some may not. Myself, my husband, my kids and my family were dealt a reality this year none of us saw coming. I can’t even begin to put into words how Cancer changed everything… including me. Somedays I think, “if I can beat cancer, I can do anything!” And that is really how I feel. My children have been through hell… my husband has been through helll…. and I have been through hell. And now we are trying to find all the pieces and put them back together again. I think we are doing a pretty good job:) But, most of all… above all else… I’m really starting to feel better. I talk about cancer much less, and the more time I get past me when it comes to this the better. I’m happy about that:)

I can finally see through the fog.

But…… I need myself and my kids and my husband to stay in this happy place with me. With everything that is happening around us…. we can be supportive, we can be loving, but our goal is to keep US moving in a positive direction with love and positive energy. We have been through the darkest of times, and now I see the light. I’m not giving that up for anything.

Sometimes I want to sit and complain about all the time I lost when I was sick…. but then again I rejoice at the fact that God gave me a second chance…. and to enjoy every single day, because nothing in life is a guarantee. It’s sort of a back and forth motion on feelings.

I hope this year continues on a positive path for the 4 of us. I want to always strive to spend as much time with my kids as possible. They are young for such a short time, I want to embrace every single moment I can. Whether it’s a snuggle in bed watching tv, or playing in the hot tub…. I just want to see them smile and enjoy their young carefree lives. They are just kids.

I also want to make more time for my husband (that is not work related;) We get very little time alone, and it’s something we are always working on. Sometimes weeks and weeks go by and we are never away from the kids for a single second, and that’s tough. So, carving out more time just him and I needs to happen. We have to make US a priority. I want him to look at me each day the way he did 11 years ago when I walked down that isle:)

It is 2am… time to wrap things up:) Nothing in life is easy…. but I’m not sure it’s supposed to be. But, I will love my family till my last breath is taken. They can look back at this blog when they are older and realize one thing is for sure…. I am nothing without them. I fought this fight because I wasn’t done with them. I needed more time with them, and I would do whatever needed to be done to get to that Goal.







Too sweet…

All about the kittens:)

Wow! What a crazy week. School is about to start back up again and things are getting nuts. We went on a quick trip to Branson with John’s family and that is when our little family expanded:) We were staying at a fishing lodge and soon after arriving the kids came running up to us saying they found kittens. They were hiding behind a metal diesel drum out in the cold and rain and it was so sad. I would have never told the kids to try and get them out, but I wasn’t sure they would survive where they were. So, one by one we got them out. There were 4 total. We brought them in and cleaned them up and then went to the Office to find out if they belonged to anyone. He told us that weeks before someone had kicked a dog and a pregnant cat out of a moving car and dumped them on his property. He asked us if we wanted any of them and that he was going to put them in a box by the Office marked “Free” the next day.

I am 32 years old and have never owned a cat as an adult. We had one as a child, but I barely remember. So, taking any of them home was no where on my radar. But as the days passed, and they just looked so sweet and helpless, we just couldn’t resist. We told the girls we’d take 1 home. Well, after a Facebook post about it I learned that they are better off if you keep them as a pair because it gives them someone to play with….and snuggle with:) So….. that was it…. Pickles and Cucumber (the girls named them) were coming home to Rolla. When we got them home I set up a vet appt. and found out they were around 1lb each and between 8-9 weeks old…. oh and they are both girls:) 🙂 More good news was to follow because John parents decided to keep the other 2! Who are also both girls.

So….. long story short, our little family expanded and welcomed 2 little kittens. They may have been tossed aside, but we are ready to show them what a loving home is all about. I was so scared bringing them home that they would be a pain. But, honestly they are so sweet. They use their litter box, and roll around and play with one another and it is just too cute! Peanut is being introduced slowly and he is not being too bad.

I had it in my mind that cats were these smelly little creatures with claws…. but they arn’t so bad. They have been so good so far and I barely notice them around. No smells at all:) lol. Anyhow, I guess my heart was open and ready and that feels so good. Everything in me said “don’t bring these things home.”….. but there was just something about them I couldn’t walk away from. Maybe down deep I know that my heart was open because we wanted another baby and that had to be put on hold for awhile…but whatever the case is, we helped save these little girls….and that feels great:)

ps- still having trouble with my legs and feet from chemo and that is taking a toll… but I’m not going to ruin this sweet and adorable post with that stuff:) Another day.








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Self Exams=Saved Lives

This is how I found my cancer, so any tool to promote self exams is a good thing. It’s a free App, so download it now!


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