Taking it from the top

https://takingitfromthetop.com/

Yesterday I felt like I had made some progress. Today….not so much. The impending doom of chemo Wednesday is all that I am thinking about (that, and the fact I can’t leave the house.)

This is just how it goes, and the reason for the blogging. No two days are ever the same when you have cancer. Nothing is ever as it seems. It is a world all to it’s own that I can’t wait to get away from it. I guess, I feel like I can’t move forward because something is holding me back…. I just want to move on and never say the “c” word ever again. But, it’s just not that easy.

Oh dear Lord my next actual doctors office visit what the paperwork will be like!! It’s going to take hours to fill it out. I actually starting logging dates into my phone because I was forgetting all my surgeries and so on.

I just want to go back and be “me.” I have never ever wanted that more than now. This so-called “c” word will follow me forever. Whether it’s paperwork…or insurance…or the endless bills that we are about to be flooded with.

End on a good note: John I love you. You, the girls, and our families are the only things that keeps me from fully losing my mind…and my faith.
Thank You

https://takingitfromthetop.com/

You forget how much going out is fun. Anywhere…doing anything…at all. But, I do realize it’s for my own good and will listen to the doctors orders. I want chemo to be exactly 8 treatments and 4 months long…no extra. So I’m being a good girl. Although later I may send my hubby to Slice of Pie, been craving a Tollhouse soooo bad.

Overall it’s been a good day. I cleaned mostly, and the girls went to their grandparents house all day to play. (they were all couped up!) Haven’t thought much about cancer today which is a good thing. Altgough it’s 5:00 and I also forgot to eat today, so I better go:) More later…

It’s almost 11 at night and my mind is a bit scattered . Overall I am mad that I can’t do anything. Because of my low blood count I should try to not even leave my house…. that totally sucks! I would love to go to dinner and a movie with my husband before chemo next week…but noooooooo, that’s not going to happen. I feel like I can’t release any stress because I am told to stay home.(and try to stay in bed Doc said)

Yes, I know it’s only for a short time…..but for me 4 months, 16 weeks, 125 or so days…..is a lot. Maybe I’m just now realizing all the days I just threw away before, and am now pissed about. Next week is St. Pats. (if you don’t live in Rolla, skip to the next paragraph:) St. Pats is everything to this town. I am going on my 8th year of living here and have NO clue why? But it is. It’s a college town, and St. Pats is not just another Holiday….. it’s an experience! Now mind you I was married at 21, so at 32 I am far from my prime. Some years we went out, some we didn’t….but now….now I don’t even get to choose. My sorry ass genetics chose for me. 😦

So, I will lay my head down on my pillow and consider this another day behind me on my cancer journey. My back aches from my mattress I’ve hated for years, and now hate even more after being practically being bedridden. You never know how much you hate/love a mattress till your confined to it all day…everyday…for months…and months.

End on a good note: well after the cannoli incident I decided to pick myself up and do the only thing I knew how…pack and freeze all cannoli contents and save for a later date. Giving everyone else in this household ZERO possibility of enjoying it without me 🙂 I felt a lot better after!

Here’s a fun pic of John and I having fun at New Years! Enjoy

It may seem mundane and stupid but I just got done crying my eyes out. My dad came to town to get my mom and bring her home until my next chemo Wed. He was so sweet to bring me my favorite item to eat in the whole wide world!!!! NOTHING IS BETTER THAN A CANNOLI! So hear he comes with a whole bunch and lays them on my counter. I grab a plate and start digging in…… and then it happened…..nothing. WTF? It had no taste! I was sobbing and sobbing after. I knew this might happen. Nothing has taste and nothing I use to like, I like anymore. I use to drink a Coke every now and then…now….nothing. What a bunch of crap! Today was different, this is my heritage, this is my core, this is who I am!!! I am Sicilian and Sicilians eat CANNOLIS. Not this one 😦

Thanks cancer for pissing me off yet again.

Adorable headband at Red Door Gifts

I have never had the flu…. but they said the symptoms were about the same. Well, thank goodness! I felt like crap most of yesterday and today. Starting to feel like a bit like myself. Cleaned a little, organized, showered…now back in bed.

There is no way of getting around the fact that cancer SUCKS and I just want it over with as quick as possible!!!!

Only for my husband I said I’d end on a positive note: I took a shower, you’re welcome 🙂

The day I have been dreading. The day I know nothing about. I am scared beyond words. What the hell is CHEMO? I still have no idea and I am about to walk into the Doctor and get it. I am worried beyond belief 😦

I could post a video of me crying before chemo, which is how I really feel…i prefer this video of my mom shooting this weekend:)

Been up all night. It’s about 4:30am now. My topic of choice …. Cancer , a burden on everyone. More to follow tomorrow once I get shut eye

I will admit. I cried when I saw myself. I didn’t look like me anymore… I looked like a sick person. And that scared me. But here I am:) and I went through this journey with one of my best friends