Taking it from the top

So today I have 2 doctors appts. The first is over. I saw my new ob/gyn and had a women’s yearly exam and the Mirena put in. I swear it took an hour to go over my medical history. I need to be a genius to remember all the procedures, and dates etc. She was very nice and caring and kept telling me what a great job I was doing. She also mentioned the possibility of having a baby after chemo and was very much for it. She mentioned if my brca genetic test ever comes back, and is positive we would need to get baby making relatively quick so my ovaries could come out too. She reassured me the baby would be fine even though I had 4 months of chemo. She also mentioned because I had chemo and not radiation I should still be fertile and have eggs left. They warn you during chemo there is a chance they will scramble every last one of them.

Then came the Mirena. The Mirena is an iud and is used to prevent pregnancy. Because I can’t take the pill any longer I need this at least until chemo is over. Well, it hurt like crazy when she put it in. It’s supposed to last 5 years… and boy oh boy it seemed like she was hiding it somewhere they wouldn’t find for 5 years! It was not pleasant… and I am glad it’s done. I go back next week for a check up. She also mentioned going to a genetic counselor that visits the hospital. She had no idea why the insurance wasn’t covering it, and this should be the straw that broke the camels back…. and they would have no reason to cover it. Anyhow that’s update 1. Will update after doctors appt #2. Praying the lump is nothing… Dear Lord hear my prayers!

So today is Easter and it was amazing going back to my church to celebrate. I had such a great time seeing everyone and celebrating such a wonderful day:)

After church I started to feel a bit sick to my stomach and stayed in bed most of the rest of the day. My mind started taking me into tomorrow and my 2 doctors appts I have. The first is with a Gyn to get an annual exam (big fun;) and the second with my surgeon to check the lump I found. I know my gyn will give me a breast exam as well and maybe can shed some light on what the lump is and why it’s hurting. Overall tomorrow will be a shitty day I’ll just want over with .

As I sat in church today I began to cry and wasn’t sure why. Not sure if I’m just broke down from all this… or it’s just taking a toll on my mind and spirit as well as my body. This is so much to absorb all at once. Wed. will be the halfway mark of my chemo. It is #4 of #8. 2 months down, and 2 months to go. It seems like an eternity…. and that’s not quite fair:( I feel everyday like I have given enough, and I should just be able to be done… but that ‘s just not so.

One day (hopefully this summer:) I will be sitting on the beach of Hawaii blogging and saying that this journey is behind me and I am only looking forward. But for now, that seems like an eternity away.

This is by far the hardest thing I ever been through in my entire life. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and feel a bit jaded sometimes that it’s been laid on my door step at the age of 32. Not just for me to endure…but my husband…my kids… my parents… and so on.

My mother alone has given up so much. She has to be here every single week to help with the kids and my appointments. We would have had to hire a full time nurse/nanny to do everything she is doing. 4 months of her life devoted to taking care of me and my family….how can I ever say thank you enough? The answer… I can’t. I don’t know a single person on the planet that would have given up everything to help like she has. I hope to one day have the resources to pay my parents back in some way…. because they deserve it. Maybe it’ll give me a reason to start a fundraiser and send them somewhere nice.

Know one knows more than her the hell I live everyday. That’s gotta be worth something right?? I believe it does.

Here are some pictures before church today:)

So, tomorrow is Easter and I am excited to be going to church for the first time since starting chemo. Rule of thumb is to stay away from crowds…. but it’s Easter, and I’m going 🙂

I’m trying not to think of the new lump I found under my arm…but it’s hard. I just want to go to my appt Monday and hear him say everything is okay. This is such a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I think in a positive way that I am almost half done with chemo…and other days I am super negative and only fill my brain with bad thoughts. I guess it’s all part of the journey.

Well, tomorrow is Easter and I am going to try my best to be a “glass is half full” kind of a gal 😉 Wish me luck. I want to enjoy the day and celebrate it with friends and family.

What I have learned through all this is nothing in life is a guarantee. Not a
single moment…not a single day… not even a single breath. So, I will do my best to live by this…at least for tomorrow:)

So, today while taking a bath I feel a small lump under my armpit. This is where some lymph nodes were taken out, and pray to God it just has something to do with that. Down deep I am scared out of my mind. I can’t think or focus on anything else.

Is this my new reality? Even if it is nothing…is this my life? Poking and prodding…checking for lumps and bumps everyday. Is this anyway to live? It’s not.

I’d love to go on a “Why Me” rant about now, but I’ll hold off. It is just so frustrating:(

Well, I am back home:) Glad to be back home, but had a great time getting away for a few days. I always have fun at my parents house, and I can sure get use to my dad taking care of me. He bends over backwards to get me stuff and make sure I’m good… and a girl can get use to that 🙂

Now, I am back home and back to reality. My mom is with me for a few days as my white blood cells are on their way back down. She has to stay to help with the girls because when my white blood cells go down I have a hard time doing a lot of stuff…but mainly taking care of the kids. I’m lucky she is so nice to do everything she has:) I would be lost without her here. Love you mom:)

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for my weekly blood work. This is usually the time when Doc says “Jen your white count is down, don’t go anywhere.” 😉 And I do exactly what he says and stay home. This weekend is Easter and I have every intention of going to church for the first time since chemo started. I miss my family there, and it will be good to see them.
Hopefully I will feel good and I can go because I am looking forward to it. I also get to wear my wig for the first time….should be interesting;)

Overall I feel okay. Still nervous about the tumor marker going up and trying not to think about it. I just want all this over with as soon as possible and don’t want anything to stand in my way. I’m feeling the effects of chemo and it’s starting to take a tole on me emotionally and physically. My skin is darkening up and blotching in spots and no one is sure why. It bugs me, and is just another reason I can’t wait for chemo to be over! I feel like it never will 😦 I’m glad to be back home and see John and get back to a routine. The kids are on Spring Break and it will be nice to see them and hopefully they won’t drive me crazy;) lol

On a side note, I’ve been dealing with my baldness better. My mom and dads was a real eye opener. They have all mirrored bedroom doors and it seemed like every time I turned around I was looking at my big bald head in a mirror. I feel better being home and having just the one mirror with doors. It took a few days at my parents to get use to myself… but I eventually did.

Enjoy photos of the snow at my parents house (14 inches of snow) and some pics of the effects of chemo. 😦

For some reason my mind has been all over the place. This is the first time I have visited my parents since starting chemo. I thought it would be loads of fun, and for the most part it has. What I wasn’t ready to deal with was the change in environment. All the mirrors , white bedding…and so on. While typing this I am disgusted with myself and what I see….a white pillowcase covered in my hair. Maybe at home the same hair is there, but my lights are more dim…maybe the floral pattern is distracting on my pillow cases…. whatever “it” is… I can tell I’m more sensitive here.

Today when I was out with my dad I told him I was hot and my head was sweaty. I was wearing a hat like usual. But in public I reached for my hat, took it off for a brief second…and put it back on. As the tears rolled down my cheek I realized even in St.Louis I can’t run from my problems. I have cancer…. no matter where I am. So that’s making me more emotional. I know this is all probably very normal, but it doesn’t feel good.

Tomorrow I am taking my girls to Disney on Ice. I pray the weather holds out and they have a great time. John was supposed to go, but the snow is making it a pain… so my dad said he would take us and drive.(thanks dad)
I didn’t want John to deal with the weather and wanted him to stay home and have some r&r. He deserves it. Love you babe:)

not sure what is up with me, but I am much more emotional today. I think it has to do with all the testing and still my worry over the tumor marker going up. I have cried non-stop. Sometimes it’s a sad cry….sometimes it’s a just because cry.

What it boils down too is everyday brings new feeelings and emotions and today I had all of them. I am very sore from my shot (makes all your joints and bones hurt) and that’t not helping. I’m also in St. Louis and miss John.

Hopefully tomorrow is a new day with a new perspective. Today I had a pity party and a why me??? moment. I hope tomorrow is different. I’ve said before that once you are diagnosed with cancer your whole world stops. Today, that’s how I felt.

But, by the gift of God I will wake up tomorrow and try to do/be better. I promise. 🙂

Well the internal pelvic ultrasound was no fun at all… but the results came back fast that they didn’t see anything to worry about. 🙂 yeah

My tumor marker also came back and was okay at best. It went from a 33 to a 32. I was praying it would go back down to 23:( oh well. He said he didn’t want to do any further tests…. so I’ll let it be.

I’m on my way to St Louis now. This is first time I have left since chemo started. John is meeting us tomorrow and Sunday we see Disney On Ice. Should be fun, and get my mind off of things

Thanks for the Prayers:)

waiting for my ultrasound on my ovaries…. fingers crossed it was nothing. I want a fun weekend, with no more worries. prayers

Well today was okay at best. I felt pretty crappy all day from the chemo. I went in for my day after shot (rebuilds white blood cells) and also had an appt. for a check up with my surgeon.

My surgeon suggested that I get a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow to check my ovaries. When I had a PET scan way back after being diagnosed, they noticed a small spot on one ovary. At the time we wern’t going to worry about it, but it’s best to check it out and make sure it’s not cancer or anything else. Prayers needed.

I also wait to hear back about my tumor marker. I pray and pray the number goes down, and it was just the infection that made it spike up. I told the nurses I will never again ask, because I don’t want to know. If the numbers truly do fluctuate , I can’t handle that. I’m too much of a worrier.

Overall, I need a good nights sleep and some good news tomorrow:)

Prayers Please

Just some fun photos I like 🙂 the girls & Peanut